User:Sannse/Ten things that don't exist

The world is a lie, and all on it are liars. Well you can't fool me. I know what is and what isn't real. Trust me. Let me tell you...

• Conspiracy theories. I have a theory that all conspiracy theories are fake. No one can keep a secret about my dead cat (I know it was you). Let alone about a moon landing made in Hollywood. Call it a conspiracy theory if you like, but they are all just lies. Even this one.

Everywhere

• Places without Starbucks. I mean, some places have them on every block. I'm pretty sure there are at least two in Antarctica.
• Men who don't look first at the bulgy bits. Gay or straight, they're measuring up your size with their first glance. I should know, I'm looking at both.
• Cyclists who obey traffic rules. Come on guys! Red means stop. Not “hey, maybe you want to ride your bike right though, after all you've only got two fucking wheels”.
• Scientologists. 76 trillion years of history? Xenu? Thetans? Who's gonna believe that shit? Other than Tom Cruise of course.
• Quantum physics. The ultimate tenure fraud. All you have to do is make up names like "charmed quark" and "muon neutrino" and you have a job forever. No one can understand what the hell you're talking about, so everyone assumes you must be a genius. Easy money.
• Milton Keynes

Seriously, all you need is a staple gun

• Duck billed platypuses.. 'm with the Victorians, there's no way that these actually exist. A bit of plastic surgery on an otter, and you've got Australia's favorite April Fools joke.
• Mr Rogers. No one that nice can possibly exist. Either he's not real, or he's secretly a mass-murdering, kitten-torturing, arsonist who leaves the toilet seat up.
• Diamonds. Told my fiance that they don't exist. Got her a nice cubic zirconia instead.
• Heroes. Nowadays, everyone's a hero. Like, the guy who phoned the police. Hero. The woman who escaped a fire by running out the door. Hero. The man who jumped off a sinking ship with two children and a dog in his arms, swam 20 miles, then climbed up a cliff to get all of them to safety. Hero. Pah.

In this world of Fake News, we've all got to watch out. Don't let them tell you these things exist, none of them do. Double them up and they're still fantasies: Heroic duck billed platypuses, conspiracy theories about cyclists, Mr Rogers staring at the bulgy bits… Oh wait, that last one's true, betchya.