User:Phrage/UnNews:Israel Withdrawing to 1948 Borders
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JERUSALEM, Israel --SECRET CONSTRUCTION PEACE CORPS FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGED
In a surprise move on Monday, Israel's Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, announced the end of the 62-year occupation in Palestine.
In a satellite broadcast from the Knishet, Netanyahu told the world that all Israeli citizens and soldiers will be leaving the West Bank within a month. Here are some highlights from the Minister's speech:
- I would like to thank the thousands of Zionist Settler-Decorators who will soon be gathering up their tools and moving on to transform Gaza as they did the West Bank over the last 62 years. Their secret embellishment gift is almost completed.
- They were indeed fully occupied during the Occupation, building schools and houses, swimming pools, and community centres.
A network of long smooth roads and highways was kept exclusively for Peace Corps use without offering any explanation to the local populace.
Their work was often misread on the international stage and here at home too, but their resolve was strong despite resolutions from elsewhere which were politely but firmly ignored. We felt a divine will to build there -one carpenter from Galilee confided to me this evening.
- Many of the locals were puzzled, hurt and confused by the mysterious comings and goings and the standoffishly-aloof yet industrious Israeli Peace Corps construction workers, or Settler-Decorators as they prefer to be known.
- Now at long last we can reveal it was all, "a delicious secret wonderful plan," to quote Willy Wonka.
- You see, we cast around for some way to thank the Palestinians for giving us more than half their country with so little fuss.
We had somewhat worn out our welcome with wealth and precision in Europe for a a wee bit. Of course usury and our strange non-integrating ways and rituals didn't help one bit.
The Germans never did quite get their heads around the Tefillin.
- We racked our brains to come up with some way to express our gratitude and the Occupation Plan was drawn up in utter secrecy.
- We wanted to take their half of the land too, give it a good going over and to do the place up.
- It was quite untidy after all the welcome parties.
We aimed to leave it cosier for our dear neighbours and cousins of the Arab persuasion as a thank you for putting up with our rushed arrival here and our initial boisterousness all those years ago.
- At the time their famed warmth and lavish hospitality was overwhelming.
- Some of the welcome home parties went on for six days or more and got a bit noisy, when we had all the neighbours in.
As we all know Egypt and Syria are the life and soul of any party, not to mention when Jordan gets up to dance.
It was almost "the bomb!" to use my daughters' vernacular. But now a little more about the past then on to the big revelations today:
- Oh! the lengths we went to to keep the renovations secret!
- One very unsettled young Decorator called Vanunu (there's always one isn't there?) tried to let the cat out of the bag.
He took photos inside the Dimona muslim kitchen cabinet assembly plant. He nearly spoilt the surprise, but we got over that with the help of a lovely lass who helped Mordechai take a relaxing Italian cruise to take his mind off things and in the end he kept himself to himself, and remained schtum for another 23 years. If you can't stand the heat eh...?
- Well it gives me great pleasure to announce that the last roll of wallpaper has been hung and the last carpet laid - it took 38 years to choose the carpet pattern for the Hebron developments alone - in the end the army had to help out (the 5th Sabra Heavy Artillery Regiment chose a restrained yet loud swirling smokey green pattern for the Flaming Sword Jihad Peace House multi-faith Mosque and discotheque (formerly the Abraham B. Killahstein Temple of the Elders of Zion, kosher diner and discotheque) both being next to the transformed Macpelahdrome sports centre and cycle track, but it is all finished now.
We want the Gazans to be the first to move in and enjoy it all themselves after their long holiday under canvas by the sea.
- "We had the devil of a job winkling some of the old folk out of their homes to replumb and rewire them- what fibs we had to tell" Nettie quipped.
"The ever cheerful Settler-Decorators will walk initially to Gaza and live in tents while they work their makeover magic once more.
Each will be presented with a limited edition numbered Zion's Watch Swatch in commemoration of their epic achievement. The inscription on each diamond movement Swatch reads"Exodus of Love"
We hope the new West Bank domiciled Gazans will not be strangers and will make full use of the 300,000 coastal villas the settlers are determined to construct as pieds-à-terre for them for the Gaza social season
- As part of the special surprise celebrations Jerusalem will be shared week on week off and be renamed JewsArabasalam.
World reaction to the news has been mixed but mostly positive. Jimmy Carter said nothing but grinned, waved and ate some more kimchi coated peanuts on a satellite link from his holiday cottage in North Korea.
The Guinness Book of Records announced that it will be removing Palestine's entry as the world's fastest shrinking country from the 2011 edition.
Iranian President and wig supermodel Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’’’ sporting his new "Justin Bieber Blue Steel wrap around" wig warmly welcomed the news. He promised free petroleum, petroleum jelly, and petroleum based products for life for all the kindly Israeli Settler-Decorators who had worked so hard yet managed to keep the beautiful surprise secret for so long. Wait 'til I tell the Ayatollah ‘‘ murmured Ahmadinejad gently through tears of joy this will crack him up-oh you really had me fooled there for ages you old Israelis you.
Later the Iranian President said the smile will never be wiped off his face again.
Netanyahu also wept.(see photo) "Now you have set me off weeping but i babble on- I'll have to sit down for a good cry " he whispered to Ahmadinejad on his mobile phone saying" אני כל כך שמחה" (I'm so happy) over and over.
Robert de Niro preparing for his role as
Netanyahu in the upcoming Spielberg epic
"Settlers' Fist"
It is hoped that Palestinians will shortly be in a position to offer work to unemployed Israelis on West Bank and HaGolanoSyrian Heights fruit and vegetable farms.
Sarah Palin Twittered that she "thanked God in 'humilitationess' for the privilege of knowing that the Catholics and Protestants had finally put their differences aside"
She compared the two new friends to "Romulus and Remus who were suckled by a kindly she- wolf-dinosaur" saying "we are all God's feral children".
Palin said that since learning how to say "Ahmadinejad" by writing "I'm a Dinner jacket" on her hand , that she feels she knows a great deal more about the Middle East and about wolves which she often sees and shoots from her bedroom window.
"Su casa mi casa as they say in the Middle East- a shout out to all you good people-I would just like to say, as the great Ronald Reagan might have done had he not contracted Alzheimers and died -Ich bin ein Israeliner undt ein Palestiner " she intoned solemnly.
On a lighter note Palin also said she "looked forward to Todd racing his jetski against the new King of Palestine-to-be; Mohamed -Y-Herod-Youse-Waz-Leavin- Bin-Liner, when the Alaskan Royal Family stay with the King to attend GSF (Gaza Surf Flotilla 2011) in their Winnebago 'Baked Alaska to the World' World Tour.
In later news on wednesday President Johanna Sigurdardottir of Iceland and her wife Jonina Leosdottir also announced that as part of the new atmosphere of detente, tolerance, freedom and love in the region that they have accepted an invitation to open the 2012 Pan Arab Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual Gaymes (PALGBTG.) The Games are being held in honour of the magical renovations.
The 3 day event will be based at the luxury 5 ☾☾☾☾☾ Gilad Shalit Arms Hotel due to be built in Rafah over the next 18 months by indefatigable yet orthodox ex–Hebronese Hebrews ( a merry bunch now known affectionately to all and sundry as The Outa' Hebronese.)
Mixed teams of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual Arabs will compete at the Gaymes for the prestigious Yasser Arafat Perpetual Trophy. A team from Israel will compete as honorary Arabs. There will also be a team of Scottish Muslims team entering the boulder throwing event at the Golan Highland Games campus
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- Iraqi Pole Vault champion Haj BIn All Up 'Ihm
dubbed the "Flying Falangist from Fallujah" practices his famous Fosbury Flop by the Phallic French Tour d'Eiffel thrusting into the sky of the French capital of love in preparation for the 2012 LGBT Arab Games. Bin Ala is expected to break records and hearts when he competes at Macpelhadrome.]]
At time of going to press it was confirmed that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, known in his youth as the 'Tehran Rocket' for his prowess in 1979 in the 100 Hashimi cubit dash will come out of retirement for the Gaymes.
Although resolutely heterosexual, a special LGBT dispensation has been granted to let the Premier run, as an expression of gratitude for all he has done for peace and tolerance in the Middle East.
Al Jazeera sports commentators predict that he may leave his wig in the dressing room in a bid for a more aerodynamic performance.
Further late news stop press: There exists a weak but persistent rumour that the US Government was inspired to similar action by the success of the IsrePal news.
(IsrePal is the joint name already being applied to the happy twin statelettes.)
An announcement from Barack Obama returning all lands west of the Mississippi River to Native American tribes as per the Permanent Indian Frontier agreement is eagerly anticipated.
This would involve abandoning the Manifest Destiny policy.
A cascade phenomenon has also been reported with Britain talking of giving back Northern Ireland and Gibraltar, Turkey giving back half of Cyprus and Indonesia freeing East Timor.
Koguryo,Kashmir, Kuriles,Taiwan, Arunachal, PradeshTakeshima/ Dokdo130 and the Paracel and Spratly Islands, have all also come up for reconsideration after the revelation of Israel's decades long"hiding their light under a bushel" good intentions.
China said they had really only occupied Tibet to give them decent takeaway food outlets as a refreshing change from a diet of rancid yak butter and barley flour tea.
Australia said they would like to give back Tasmania but unfortunately all of the locals had been rounded up and shot some time back and there is no-one left to give it back to.
Members of the Bait Romano" Wallpaper Hanger Homies" Dance Troupe (nicknamed "The Fishing Baits") prepare to perform their now famous sandal shod medley of "I'm Bad,Thriller,and Man in the Middle in Mashah as part of the IsrePal Year of GiveBack Inaugural Celebration.
Celebrations in JewArabsalam, and the rest of IsrePal continued into the night with rockets being fired and house to house dancing in the streets.ENDS
Report from Phrage Frenta, Reuters correspondent, the Knishet, North JewArabsalam.
