User:Pavin The Goose/Royal Bear Force

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“I like bears they're my second favourite animal, next to Mother Theresa”

~ Oscar Wilde on Royal Bear Force

“In Soviet Russia, Bears do not violate our insides!”

~ Russian Religious Hymn on Royal Bear Force
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A Genuine Bear Force Recruitment Poster

The Royal Bear Force is an unknown division of the United Kingdom's military, Lady Diana said it was "The best friggin' force in the whole world. Yerrr!" because they paid her to and because she spent a lot of undocumented time with them. They paid the Queen to say it but she wouldn't say "friggin'".

It recruits only bears or people who look like bears eg. Colin Firth, the Queens husband and Chris Farleys corpse. The Royal Bear Force (RBF) has always played an important part in history (check Historical Operations) If you have a problem with the Royal Bear Force and its part played in world issues, please send your concerns to:

Public department,
Royal Bear Force HQ,
United Kingdom,
Sol System,
Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha,
Milky Way Galaxy,
Your mum.

After sending your opinions and concerns to this address your letter will be translated into an alien language based on genetic sequencing code, reviewed by such aliens, commented on, forwarded to Sarah Palin´s office to be translated into stupid useless bitch language and not commented on, translated back to English and then forwarded to the original office where it will be shat on, then strategically ignored and probably discarded.

Early missions[edit]

The first known bear division was probably used in crucial situations in colonial warfare. Early missions by the bears were sucessful in that they did what they were trained to do, only they often did it not they way it was planned. Honey was usualy sneaked into the underpants of enemy soldiers and the bears were released. The bears would find the honey, try to eat it, became angry with the resistance and then raped the victims so hard they never walked again. Unfortunately, they were trained to look for honey on their own soldiers and in the field usually raped other british soldiers. The russians did the same with their dog unit, as russians like being raped by dogs. Damn commies!

Squadron leader Grizzly. Pity he cannot see over the controls.


The bear force does not actually wear uniform because bears have big penises and men only enjoy wearing uniforms if they are small penised dick heads who want to seem (somehow they think being in a uniform as) more manly. Any bear you see is big penised, therefore the lack of uniform and so the bears identify rank by the length of each others penis. These are divided by smallest to biggest:

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Schlong a longa - While the name, at least by human reference would denote a large penis, this is actually an ironic word used toward the actual bear, not his penis, as he has an embarrassingly small penis, at least by bear standards and will never climb in rank no matter how many soldiers he rapes. They try to contribute in other ways like trying to be funny and trying to act cool."

Giant Polish Sausage - Such a bear has a minimum sized penis to find some respect amongst other bears, mainly other bears not so well endowed. They get to sleep inside at night and start off their service as the other bears man bitches.

Wholly Fucking man shit! - These bears are the lowest of the officers, they have large hairy scary overwhelmingly giant members and deserve respect amongst most bears. Any human unlucky enough to be the victim of wholly fucking man shit has nightmares for the rest of his life, daymares every hour and an inherent fear of anything that is phallic, is harry or that smells like fish. In fact they are unable to eat fish. Or even know a fish is in the room somewhere.

Jean Claude van Dam - He has his own rank as, while not as big as most bear penises his penis has the ability to punch and kick anything in its way and weighs and is as tall as Jean Claude van Dam himself. The penis is also fluent in French and Dutch and is able predict the future, cure rabies and .

Schmlooooooooooooooong - Bears who are so endowed and so cool they don't have to do anything but be the awesome groovy schlong masters that they are. Chris Farley's corpse is an example. It is their actual penises that do all of talking, give orders and beat insubordinates. No human victim of a schmloooooooooong has ever surfaced afterward as it is believed that their entire DNA sequence is dissipated during the experience scattering their remains amongst the stars.


The bear force kicks super fucking ass and need to prove nothing to noone. Becoming a bear soldier requires an in herant sense of awsomeness and ability to rape enemy soldiers until retirement. Jean Claude van Dam is a member of the Royal Bear Force. Chuck norris is not, he is a human victom of lame repetitive jokes and was raped by Jean Claude van Dam before their acting careers started.

Foptropolis (Titonian Capital) Bear Force Station Crest.

Salute - Star trek vulcan greeting

Offical communications code - Klingon Common communications:

- ngeH Hoch SIQ! - Send all bears!
- maH ghaj wa' SIQ bIng! - We have a bear down!
- nuq ghaH lIj meq vam poH? - What is your excuse this time?

Marching tune - Star Trek, action sequence music. Traditionally played on a bugle by a bear.

Standard issue weapons - Extended claws, metal teeth, WMD, sharpened toothbrushes(special forces training)

Bear Necessities and expressions[edit]

Bear hug - Friendly greeting between bears (CAUTION - bear hugs are fatal to humans)

Bear away (cast off) - Nautical term, for bears being stolen by the Navy

Bear faced lie - The ability for a bear to tell you excedingly good lies without showing any emotional expression on their faces

Bears - Thick, furred, plantigrade mammal of family ursidae. Badgers were originally part of this family but objected to being called "thick" so started their own family.

Great bear and Little Bear constellations - thought to be renamed after Yogie and Boo Boo

Bear market - bears are sold on the market for extortionate prices.

Bear discrimination - The fist amendment of the American constitution is "All men have the right to bear arms" but the bears are petitioning George Bush (a well known gorilla supporter) to change the constitution to "All men have the right to arm bears" especially since the bears heard that governments have been selling arms to gorillas.

Bear a hand - to help a bear pick up smaller objects.

Unbearable - something that a bear just cannot bring himself to do.

Bear Force Battlefield Commands[edit]

Roar!! - Attention!

Roar!! - At ease!

Roar!!! - Line up and attack the enemy!!

Roar!! - You two stand over there and create a distraction while we flank them!

Roar!?! - Where's our air support?

Roar!! - Victory!!

Roar!! - Retreat!!

Roar!!! - CHARGE!!!

Roar!!! - RUN AWAY!! (Purely hypothetical, bears do not run away. bears vamoose)

Historical Operations[edit]

The RBF was responsible for many events throughout history, including: -

Somme bear engagment[edit]

The 1916 Somme engagement was one of the largest battles of the First World War, with more than one zillion casualties, and also one of the confusing battles in bear history. The RBF attempted to break through the German lines along the River Somme in northern France Oompa Loompa Land. The one purpose of the battle was to steal the German forces honey supply; however, the commanders weren't aware of that humans aren't attracted to it as much as they were. The battle is remembered every year by bears on the 30th June. By the end of the battle, the RBF had learnt many lessons in the capture of honey and that it is best to sneak up and get the honey rather than jump in the trenches and look for it. Bear official, Sir James Edmonds stated, "It is not too far for a bit of honey is it?" the battle was a success. Though the RBF suffered a minimal loss of one zillion troops which General Paddington mourned, he soon cheered up after he scoffed the five jars of honey that the bears ahd made off with.

Bear Harbour[edit]

The Attack on Bear Harbour was a surprise Bear attack largely on Bear Harbor tourist resort, Hawaii, as well as neighbouring beaches and hotels. The USA's Pacific Navy was going to Intervene the bear attack but instead waited until the episode of south park they were watching had finished. on the morning of Sunday, December 7, 1941 (Hawaii time). It was aimed at the upper class snooty americans that had laughed at the dye colours of Major general Grizzlhower.

The battle of Waterloo[edit]

RBF Journalist at Waterloo. God Speed!

In 1987 at Newcastle there was a waterpark so tremendlouly brilliant it need a name so to live up to its reputation. They called it water. However, there was something the designers of the park didn't realise, all the empployees were evil. The park manager was a diabolical genius called Jeff. He knew that seeing all this water around you would make you have to go to the toilet a lot so he baracaded the all the public toilets. claiming that "for public safety they had to be locked while they were being cleaned" the people would not stand for it. Within 5 minutes the RBF had been alerted and sent to the park. (for all you non brits out there, we call toilets loos) This started a battle between the park employees and the bears, it was called the battle of waterloo. once the bears had broken their way through the barricade, which consisted of a locked door, they found two employees in each toilet armed with cleaning products and mops. the battle allowed the RBF to emerge victorious General Paddington stated it was "the greatest victory of our time"

Episode 24.3 of Pokemon[edit]

It was a very grim time for bears indeed. I shall not go into the details as they are too depressing but for those of you who are true supporters of the RBF or pokemon you will understand...

Charge of the Bear brigade[edit]


The charge of the bear brigade is perhaps the most heroic event in the crimean war. Though only a few of the bears survived they can still taste the honey from the jars that were rewarded to the brave bears for aiding the retreat of the light brigade that charged a few minutes earlier. it had been the worst defeat ever except perhaps episode 24 of pokemon...

Most of the battles in Lord of the rings[edit]

I don't think I need to go through every battle in Lord of the rings, there are so many and I cannot be bothered to go through them all. so I will go through the best ones:

Helm's Deep[edit]

Ok the hobbits meet Gollum, blah blah blah. Three dudes following the uruks blah blah blah. Moving trees blah blah. ah here we are, helm's deep, some of the rohirrem in the keep were actually bears but you only see them in the ariel shots. In the charge on the top of the hill with gandalf there werent enough horses, so there were a few bears put in there and the rest was computer animated.

Pelennor Fields[edit]

This is the kickass battle outside minas tirith all the soldiers in this battle were pussies and the RBF did almost everything. you may think this is silly but those dragon things that the Nazgul ride were too frightening for the Nazgul, they needed bears to ride them. We handed the bears some black towels and silver gloves and off they went, happy as larry. and you would be surprised at what some hollywood makeup can do, those big trolls that were pushing the siege towers and barging through the gate were bears. so was gandalf and the Oliphaunts were two bears in a pantomime costume.

Mount Doom[edit]

Ah, this is the part that fooled everyone. What you saw was Frodo and Gollum fight for the ring in mount doom and eventually gollum fell of taking the ring with him. this is wrong. What really happened was George W Bush took the ring at the last second and pushed gollum over the edge. He was on his way out when he saw a member of the RBF, he panicked and threw the ring at the bear.

The Sneaky Bastard!

He then sneaked away on a secret raft on the lava. Before the bear dropped the ring into the fire he realised he could be ruler of Middle Earth, Narnia and the world. Or he could flog it on ebay. However the RBF always does the right thing so dropped the ring in the fire. However George W Bush got away back to the White House with the real ring and not the decoy he through at the bear. And here is proof on the photo.

Rupert's Drift[edit]

Rupert's Drift was a mission station in Natal, South Africa situated a smidgen to the left of Rorke's drift on the Buffalo River. The defence of Rupert's drift was an unbelivable victory of four to five thousand bears against 139 zulus that got distracted from Rorke's Drift. During the Anglo-Zulu War immediately followed the British Army's humiliating defeat at the Battle of Isandlwana earlier in the day. At Rorke's Drift 139 British soldiers successfully defended their garrison against an intense assault by four to five thousand Zulu warriors. but they are a bumch of pussies compared to the bears.

Furlough Activities[edit]

Bear force recruits enjoy many things for entertainment, but their top choices would have to be the following:-

Even bears need to unwind!

The entire works of Shakespeare.

Fishing with hands.

Re-enacting major battles in history involving the RBF.

Hunting humans hunting bears and shagging pre-teens up the batty


Famous members[edit]



Yogi Bear

Steve Ballmer

Care Bears (Delta Force)

Winnie the Pooh

Boo Boo (Yogi's second in command)

Bear Grylls formerly of the Special Bear Service.

Anne Robinson

Rupert Everett

Winnie Fred Attwell

Smoky the bear

Non-Famous Members[edit]





Margaret Thatcher

Famous Non-Members[edit]

George W Bush (Thank merciful heavens!!)

Chuck Norris (If only he looked more bear like)

David Hasselhoff

Bill Gates

Steven Spielberg

Carl Douglas