User:Orangutang94/Gus Johnson
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Hi folks, welcome to another parody article roasting people on Uncyclopedia! I'm Gus Johnson, well not really, some guy is writing my article as if I were doing play-by-play announcing for it, but wouldn't it be cool to have my unstable voice narrating this article? For all you non-sportsball fans, just imagine some overly excitable black guy narrating normally, then getting distracted by a squirrel and belting out witty one-liners about it. At least I say the truth instead of spewing nothing but garbage hot takes like Stephen A. Smith.
As some folks around here say, adding my voice to anything makes it automatically better! Now I mostly do sports play-by-play for NBA, NFL, college sports, soccer, MMA, professional chess, you name it! But pay me some extra dough here and there and I can do just about anything else. This article, Joe Buck's article (now wouldn't that be something), your daughter's piano recital, announcing arriving and departing flights at the airport, calling people in line at the DMV, heck, even funerals if you want! My voice makes anything more exciting. So puuuurrrrrrrrrre!
Early life, baby! And no pun intended, ha-haaaaaa[edit | edit source]
Welp, I didn't know every detail on my early life, but all we know is that I was born and raised in Detroit back in the good ole days, back when MoTown was still the place to be and not a warzone.
Wait, is this a VHS tape of my own birth?? Let's pop this bad boy in and let me announce it.
Ooooooooooohhhh, that's how babies are born? Baby me just shot out of my momma with "Gettin' away from the cops" speed! That was naasty! Ha haaaaaaaa!
Early career with the NBA, baby![edit | edit source]
March Madness, baby![edit | edit source]
NFL, baby![edit | edit source]
College football, baby![edit | edit source]
After a while, CBS decided to cut my ass free cause they can't handle all of my non-PC one-liners. Cooold blooded. And you know what? Fox decided to scoop me right up!
And they stuck me right here in the booth to announce some college kids playing football! Now it's mostly some Big 12 and Pac 10 football, not quite the SEC but it's still some damn good football with all that offensive firepower, lack of defense because what is defense in the Big 12? And of course you got my ass announcin' it all!
OHHH! Look at all that offensive firepower comin' from Texas A&M! Where was all this in the NFL? Not to mention Car-dale Jones. Gimme more of that Car-dale Jones! I like the kid, his name's got a ring to it!
Other sports, baby![edit | edit source]
Well guess what? According to the Fox bosses, I'm doing so well on those college broadcasts, they decided to stick me on some soccer and UFC broadcasts! Woooorld Cup, baby! Look at that flop from Ronaldo!
Bam! Damn! Look at all that action in the ring! Oooooooooh! Crossed 'im!
And guess what? Joe Buck had to take a week of so they got me some time announcing more NFL games here again! See! You! Later!
Announcing style, baby![edit | edit source]
I don't know about you, but if you haven't figured out my announcing style already, I'll SAY IT AGAIN! I'M JUST A BLACK BROTHA WHO GETS OVERLY EXCITED OVER SOME DAMN GOOD SPORTS! AND I MAKE EVERYTHING MORE EXCITING BY SCREAMING IT!
WHAT'S THAT?
Well, here's the part where I get quiet. Looks like it's a review of my announcing style. Let's read it.
...
Looks like we got some haters out there! Saying "Gus Johnson makes their ears bleed" from shouting too much and not being a lame-o! But let's see what the general public says-
OH. MY. GOODNESS! They say they actually LIKE my announcing style! THEY LIKE IT!! AAAAAA-OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH THEY LIKE IT! THEY LIKE SO MUCH THAT- [inaudible, loud gutteral noises over the crowd cheering] The haters can "JOE BUCK THEMSELVES!" [10 second pause to catch his breath] The general public likes me and my one liners!
Death and respawning, baby![edit | edit source]
I JUST CAN'T STOP ANNOUNCING BABY! BEST JOB EVER! IT'S SO EXCITING THAT I'M GONNA-
Editor's note: It appears Gus Johnson has spontaneously a sploded from being too excited about his work. I guess we'll put him back together again. Happens every week, man.
See also, baby[edit | edit source]
- John Madden
- Stephen A. Smith
- Joe Buck, the antithesis of Gus Johnson
- Tony Romo, who has basically become the white Gus Johnson
