User:NotoriousMJS/Lamb Day

A typical newborn lamb before it is sacrificed.

Lamb Day (IPA: læm deɪ) is a little-known Christian holiday celebrated every year on March 32nd. It is in celebration of the day Jesus was Immaculately Conceived. It is celebrated by the ritual sacrifice of a newly-born lamb to the Lord.

History

Upon hearing that he would be a father to the Son of God, Joseph killed a newborn lamb in his anger/happiness. This has been celebrated similarly each year afterward. A tragic event occured in 1340 when Niels Ebbesen mistook Gerard III of Holstein for a lamb, and killed him in his bedroom. This ,fortuneately, has been the only major tragedy in Lamb Day history. In recent years, Lamb Day has been overshadowed by the imaginary and hihly preposterous holiday known as April Fools Day. Because of this foolish and absurd holiday, the festivities of Lamb Day have been eclipsed.

A typical newborn lamb before it is hung from the tree and sacrificed.

Celebration

The Lamb Day celebrations begin months in advance. Each righteous Christian family goes to their farm and ensures that one sheep will give birth to a lamb on midnight of Lamb Day. Once they do this, the non-heathen family can rest assure that they will not be smote by God when their sheep does not birth a lamb on Lamb Day. When the family wakes up early on Lamb Day, they go out to the barn to meet their sheep and her newborn lamb. The father or eldest son then forcibly takes the lamb from its mother. The mother and sisters then bind up the legs of the lamb and tie it to the branch of a tree by its legs. The father then cuts off the lamb's head and lets its blood drain into a cup. This blood is sprinkled on the family garden. Any usable parts of the lamb are then used and the remaining parts are buried beneath the tree. The family has a large feast for dinner that night, where each person eats a piece of the lamb.

Controversy

Recently, groups like PETA (group) have gotten all mad at people for sacrificing lambs. Some groups, like the so-called "Government of The United States of America" have made Lamb Day sacrifices "illegal". Well that's just too bad. I'm doin what the bible says. In many other countries, such as Saudi Arabia and Iran have persecuted people celebrating Lamb Day. These righteous people have been persecuted as "Infidels fighting against Allah" the so-called Muslim demon-god.