User:Moneke/HowTo:Make a Movie

So you want to make a movie? You fancy yourself as a new Steven Speilberg? Or a new Uwe Boll? (ok your movies wont be that bad). Well follow this guide to the letter and you cant go wrong.

Firstly you need to see how NOT to make a movie

1. Watch House of the Dead

2. Don't do anything even remotely like something that may have been in House of the Dead

The Basics

To get an overview of how to make a movie, you could watch this excellent tutorial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0evqod4hWcc

Script

When making a movie, first you need a script (unless its a horror movie then all you need is a camera, a bucket full of fake blood and a topless woman). As every single possible scenario has already been used in a movie just copy the script of another movie and say it is a "remake". If you think you have some kind cree-ate-iv-it-ee (most likely you have food poisoning instead) and a completely new idea, use it - but remember these rules:

• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
• All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
• The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
• You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• The chief of police is always black.
• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
• No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• Most cars are already running when you get in. If you must start the car, it will most likely fail to start or blow up.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• Any woman who has just witnessed her father ,(brother, husband, fammily member ect) killed right there infront of her, will never be traumatised , morn, or be effected in anyway to resist making love to the hero who saved her!

If you break any of these rules, you will be punished with execution by the IMDb (International Movie Detention bureau), usually by being beaten to death by Steven Spielberg with a giant E.T statue.

Money

To make a movie even resembling decency you need at least one million dollars, preferably two. If you don't have this sort of money, get stealing, rob as many banks as possible. Alternatively dealing drugs is also a profitable business.

Making the Movie

Now you've copied and stolen... erm... "gotten" the script and the money. Now we're going to tell you how to navigate the six major steps involved with making any movie: pre-pre-production, pre-production, production, intoxication, depression and post-production. If you follow our advice (and have any talent), you'll be ready for the film festival circuit, fame, riches, ridicule, homelessness and suicide. Oh, and maybe a cocaine habit too if it all works out.

Pre-Production

The first step in making your movie is putting everything in place before you ever have a camera: polishing your script, finding actors, rehearsing, and putting together a team of technical folk who can work the scary machines like cameras, tape recorders, and lights. This is what's known as pre-production.

Get a Director of Porngraphy

When you start the process of converting your screenplay into a film, the most important asset you can acquire is a knowledgeable Director of Pornography. Almost every movie has both a Director, that's you, and a Director of Pornography, as sex is the only thing people actually look for in a movie. A Director of Photography is someone who has a technical understanding of how to add gratuitous amounts of nudity, sex, and how the underwear will affect the feel of a sex scene. On a big movie, the DP makes all the pornographic pictures and oversees a crew of several cameramen and pornstars. On yours, the DP will be behind the camera himself. The Director is usually more concerned with the overall story and the acting, and tells the DP how he wants it all to look. One of the best ways to get a DP is to scour local strip joints or jails.

Find actors, props, and costumes

When looking for actors, try to use your friends or illegal immigrants. Surely you remember someone who played a tree in the kindergarten Christmas play. If not, don't worry, there are professional entities who specialize in farming out talent to productions. If you inquire, they will send you mugshots--big glossy photos of the faces of convicted criminals actors and actresses--who you can then contract contact to arrange an audition.

The cheap way to get your hands on props and costumes is to steal from friends and family. Of course, it won't cost much to go down to the local Wal-mart and steal few items either. But if you want something more specialized or upscale, hold up a specialty store, you can use the costume as a disguise while evading the police. Remember cardboard boxes look like buildings, cars and cows with the right focus.

Scout for locations and hold rehearsals

Don't fool yourself into thinking you can make the next Bond movie. We hope you've written or plagiarized a script that involves realistic settings like local bookstores, spaceships and distant planets. If you have any place near you that you think would be good, don't go and talk to the owner or manager, just break into the location one night (turning on the lights makes it look just like day time) and start filming. If you're worried about getting into legal trouble, don't - being arrested adds realism to your movie.

Production

The next stage is "pro-duck-shon," and it's what you think of when you dream of Hollywood: you sitting in a canvas chair shouting at actors how to deliver their lines and giving instructions to the guys filming it all while having a threesome with 2 naked ladies.

In many ways, this supposedly glamorous portion of the project is the most boring, leading to the next stage of depression. It is the shortest of the six stages, so you will be an idiot if you think it's all there is to do. But even when it is underway, it is usually just the rehashing of things you have already practiced in pre-production: the actors will be costumed and rehearsed, your bedroom will be scouted and covered with props, and the DP will have organized the gratuitous nudity. Of course, it will be incredibly stressful for you, knowing that any screw up will cost you money or several important organs. But in many ways, this is the ideal time for you to hand the reigns over to the DP to let him ruin your perfect vision and turn it into an orgy of sex and violence. Some good hints to remember are:

• Add pointless explosions wherever possible.
• Sex sells, so have as much nudity as possible.
• People love violence, have a few hacked off arms in every scene.
• If you can't be bothered with character development just kill them off.
• Everyone loves fart jokes so add as many as humanly possible.

Intoxication

Now that you have nearly completed your movie you can go off and celebrate at a local bar or strip club by getting completely smashed. Hopefully you are famous enough to get a mention in a crappy celebrity magazine.

Depression

Having become a boozy alcoholic you are now ready to realize that your perfect movie has been completely ruined and turned into a third rate porno. To improve your movie you may consider self harm and suicide.

Post-Production

After all the actors go home, you're left with several missing teeth, a blocked toilet and a few cans of film. Now its time for post production - the boring stage. Not much is known about "poz-teh-prow-duck-shon" apart from it was started by producers in Hollywood in the late 1920s to save money on film during the depression, prior to that an entire role of film was shown with every take of every scene, usually lasting 17 hours. This means "ed-ite-ing" is necessary