User:Matthewblaylock/Doncaster
The fourth Reich of Doncaster (better known to the locals as 'Donny') was established in 2002 by the Führer Adolf Winter. After Operation:Barbarossa failed when his armies were crushed by the People's Republic of Rotherham, he shot himself in his miltary bunker in Thorne and Peter Davies of the English Nazi Democrat party seized control. He signed a peace deal with the vicious communist regime and he has remained in power since.
History[edit | edit source]
Starting out as a big gypsy camp somewhere in the North of England (many soft Southerners are still oblivious to a world past Hemel Hempstead). Not much is known about Doncaster's history prior to 2002 (as this was the beginning of the New Age, where it became legal to know how to read and write, to live in houses made of bricks and for two men to be seen together), but in 2002, Adolf Winter gained power after a fire at the Mansion House, which was blamed on Rotherham's notorious Communist terrorist, known only as 'Spider' Johnstone. This scared people into voting for him, and so his reign of terror began.
In 2005, he was joined by his right-hand man, Ed Milibean-Goebbels, who was shipped in from Prussia to act as Doncaster North MP and Winter's Propoganda Minister. After the failed war against Rotherham, the fate of Milibean-Goebbels was unknown, but rumours started to circulate that he had become the leader of the blood-thirsty terrorist group called the Labour Party.
Education[edit | edit source]
Sadly, this is a bit of a downer for Doncaster. Although it has over 15 schools, none of them are any good. Despite this, there is a school for everybody in this place, such as Hall Cross for the criminally insane, McAuley British Satanist High School, Northcliffe for the retarded and Rossington, whose contemporary curriculum involves such enlightening subjects as rolling spliffs and sharpening knives.
Music[edit | edit source]
Again, this is another negative, as there aren't actually any famous bands from Doncaster, or any good bands for that matter. Unfortunately, Doncaster has been crippled by the influx of chavs from the neighbouring Stone Age Kingdom of Barnsley, introducing the indigenous folk of Doncaster to the horrors of fake Burberry and crap music. There is one good artist from Doncaster (shock horror); MC Devvo is considered a god among men, and he has many followers and imitators (Such as A.J and MC Spider)
Events[edit | edit source]
Apart from a few dull festivals, nothing much happens in this place. The occasional major band or comedian does visit Doncaster; Rhod Gilbert was one such example, and this sounds exciting, apart from the fact that he is not actually funny (which is something of a disadvantage if you are trying to make it in the world of comedy). The neighbouring toilet of Sheffield is host of the Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant, with many of Doncaster's finest women taking part. One local girl, Miranda Hutton, was voted winner of the 2005 contest...until a voting recount found Willy Wonka to be the real winner.
Sport[edit | edit source]
Oh dear. Things certainly aren't getting any better are they? Sport hasn't really took off in Doncaster (seeing as it's populated mainly by chavs and fat kids, who fail to comprehend that both shanking and pie-eating aren't real sports...which is unfortunate). Nevertheless, Doncaster claims to have the following teams:
- Doncaster Rovers FC-a crap football team (whose players come from anywhere but Doncaster) who are stuck in the middle of the Mickey Mouse Championship Division 92, alongside Balamory, Toyland and Leeds United
- Doncaster Belles FC-a lesbian football team who are more skillful and vicious than the mens team
- Doncaster Knights RUFC-a rugby team who get about 5 fans a match (mainly because they are the dullest team on British soil)
- Doncaster RLFC-a rugby team who no one has ever heard of (but they still get more fans than the Knights)
- A basketball and an american football team (but no one cares, because they aren't proper sports, what with them being american and all that)
Doncaster also has a delapidated rustic racecourse, which also has a golf course and a gypsy camp in the middle of it, and a leisure centre called the Dome. Or rather, it's supposed to be, but it's mainly used as a venue for vicious gang fights between the trustafarians who live in Bessacarr. Doncaster was also host to One Pro Wrestling (or pretend fighting between obese gentlemen in speedos for those of us who have more than two brain cells)
Alumni of Doncaster[edit | edit source]
- Jeremy Clarkson-TV presenter, racist, homophobe, you name it, that's what he is
- Saxon (band)-Biggest band Mexborough ever had...they have yet to discover modern classics like The Beatles or Frank Sinatra
- MC Devvo-musician and social commentator
- Miranda Hutton-runner up of Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant
- Louis Tomlinson-X-factor contestant, member of One Direction who has not yet been introduced to the wonders of reality or manners (of course, he lost X-Factor, so no one gives a shit about who he is anymore)
- Brian Blessed-the finest actor of all time, sharp, witty, all the qualities a good actor needs (please put down the knife Brian)
Satan
Doncaster's biggest fan and most famous advocate is Mr JJ Pickford, a man that dedicates his life to serving the people of the area. As a child actor, he played Row-land in TV's Grange Hill, and Gordon Grimley in The Grimleys. Since then, the acting work has dried up (apart from sometimes being in Primeval), and he now works as a costumed superhero that dispatches helicopters to serious incidents but never fetches his brother to work. His catchphrase "suited and booted" can now be seen on a range of mugs, t-shirts and notepads that he sells for vastly inflated prices on his personal website. He likes the music of Motley Crue but is not fond of sharks.
On 1st March 2011, JJ announced his plan to run for King of Doncaster. He has promised that should his bid be successful, he will book Motley Crue to play an open air gig on Pissy Beds Common, he will fetch his brother to work every day AND he will oversee the creation of a Doncaster-based beauty contest entitled "Donny Johnny's Bonny Dollies".