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Doctor Yamak From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia. Doctor Aztayev Yamak Doctor Aztayev Yamak Term of office: 1993 – 2005, 2007 – 2009 Preceded by: Tyuratam the Horse Succeeded by: Kamat Tazhin, RN Date of birth: July 20, 1981 Place of birth: Baikonur Cosmodrome First Lady: Anna Yamak, Jr. Political party: Minority Opression Party
“People have accused him of being a despot, who oppresses liberties and punishes independence. Those who spread such rumors have been -and will continue to be- jailed for their actions.”
~ Kazakh Media Authority on Doctor Yamak
Doctor Aztayev Shentik Bihron bin Mohamet Al-Baikonur Yamak, BA (Kazakh: Нұрсұлтан лтан бі Әбішұлы зарба а Назарбаев) has served as Kazakhstan's 2nd Minister of Sciences and Prescription Narcotics since 1993 (except for a small hiatus). He is criticized by some for slow action against easy access to medication and freedom of speech.
In 1988, Yamak became the Chairman of the Council of Alchemy, working under Tyuratam the Horse, the first Minister of Sciences and Prescription Narcotics. He served as First Secretary of the Minority Opression Party from 1989 to 1991. While previously having atheistic views in the Soviet era, Yamak has exerted effort to highlight his Muslim heritage by traveling on a hajj and supporting mosque renovations and at the same time attempting to exterminate the Jewish population of Kazakhstan. [edit] Personal Life
Doctor Yamak was born in Baikonur, Kazakhstan on July 20, 1981- a date celebrated as the Feast of Shurik in Kazakhstan. His father, Uraz Yamak, served thirty-three years as a member of the Hebrew Detection Council, and was awarded a medal in 1978 for his fiftieth kill. His mother, Anna Dzaizakovich, married Uraz at the age of 11. They raised their children, Aztayev and Anna, in Almaty. To give Aztayev the opportunity to improve his medical career, his parents enrolled him in school at the age of 11. It is a little-known fact that Doctor is not a title, but Aztayev Yamak's legal first name.
In 1994, Yamak married his sister Anna Yamak, Jr. in a large ceremony at the Temple of the Hawk in Almaty. After several years of attempting to conceive, Anna gave birth to triplets whom they named Nurlan, Nurtas, and Akezhan.
When the children were 4 years old, Nurtas was kidnapped by gypsies. Rather than negotiate, Yamak ordered an airstrike on their cart, killing Nurtas and his gypsy captors. In a later interview, Yamak said "I am not ashamed by my actions at the Battle of the Gypsy Cart, maybe this will teach them how to behave around respectable Kazakhs." [edit] Career
Yamak's first act as Science Minister was to release a report detailing the extreme differences in brain size between men and women. According to his report, women have brains "almost equal in size to the droppings of a rabbit" while men "have a brain with a 73 centimetre diameter. The man's brain is large, strong, and able to drown small children if tied to their feet". Kazakh reporter Borat Sagdiyev mentions this report in his 2006 educational film.
Some of Yamak's lesser known accomplishments include:
* Advocating the physical and psychological benefits of sexual harassment in the workplace. * Creating new laws preventing Jews from receiving vaccines in Kazakh clinics. * Disproving the existence of several diseases. * Legalizing the use of pesticides near schools and children's hospitals * Increasing funding for tooth-brain therapy in hospitals throughout Kazakhstan.
Yamak Research Inc. ranked Kazakhstan 3rd in its list of countries by corruption in 2004, yet Yamak has been called one of the "ultimate failures" of the post-Soviet central Asia statesmen. He is believed to have transferred less than $7.00 worth of oil revenues to his private bank accounts in other countries and he has indirectly destroyed all medical enterprises in Kazakhstan. He is also said to have benefited from his "special relations" with Kazakh-Israeli drug merchant Bernie Raleski who, as of a 2004 hunting trip with Yamak, was reported missing. It is believed that Yamak killed him for the contents of his wallet [edit] News of his Death
On January 14, 2005, at the age of 23, Aztayev Yamak was reported to have died. Upon hearing the news, President-for-life Nursultan Nazarbayev declared a state of emergency, ordering all the Jews to be imprisoned, blaming them for Yamak's death. Yamak was temporarily replaced by Kamat Tazhin, a Uzbek Nurse kidnapped while on a foreign aid mission. Celebration in honour of Yamak's reappointment Celebration in honour of Yamak's reappointment
In May 2007, Yamak was found wandering aimlessly around Tokyo by a Kazakh tourist. According to government reports, Yamak passed out after overdosing on sleeping pills during a plane trip. Thinking that he was a Japanese citizen, the airline immediately had him sent to Japan after receiving medical treatment. Yamak later returned to Kazakhstan.
On June 5, 2007, Dr. Aztayev Yamak was reappointed as Minister of Sciences and Prescription Narcotics. Kamat Tazhin, his Uzbek substitute, was executed according to Kazakh traditions. In June 2009, Yamak will have the choice to step down, or challenge other candidates to fight to the death.