User:Maficmagma/Ferris State University

Ferris State University
The Ferris Campus is possibly the most boring place on Earth
Motto	Finish your beer, there's sober kids in India
Established	1875
School type	Satelite campus of the Michigan Militia
Head	Charlton Heston
Location	Big Rapids, Michigan, Redneck USA
Campus	Bubble
Endowment	$2.5 billion, mainly from GOP-authorized larcenies
Faculty	542
Mascot	Bulldogs

“Guns don't kill people, people don't kill people, sub-zero temperatures 6 months out of the year kill people.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ferris State University

Ferris State is a redneck stronghold (often mistaken for a university) in Big, Rapids, Michigan. It is largely known for its successful Mud necking program, although female mud wresting, Domestic Engineering, and surveying engineering are also popular.

Ferris State University (or Ferris, as local Communists refer to it) is devoted towards deflowering of all of its coeds before they can get their B.A.s.

History

Though western Michigan was never part of the confederacy, many of its inhabitants adopted all the bigoted close-minded mentality that once hailed from that region

Prehistory

Ferris's admistration is the oldest of its kind. Somewhere across the course of evolution twelve protozoa grew legs and eventually carried on intelligible communication. Each of these twelve entities now serve as dean of their respective colleges. New comers are not welcomed at Ferris as the leadership of these twelve entities rotate from one dean to another.

Early history

Ferris State University was founded in 1815 by General Edward Tiffin, who stumbled across a bogged down swamp on the banks of the Muskegon River and dedicated the land to public education. All the decent land (which was above the flood plain), on the other hand, was sold to future farmers (suckers?) who bought into the lies promoting northern Michigan's vast agricultural potential. The school, under Reagon's presidency, offered classes in fraud, ex[ploitation, and Emo Studies.

Campus

Although this device is illegal in every state within the US, Ferris State students are given exempt status from this provision every fall for duck and dove hunting

Student Housing

At Ferris there is no such thing as segregated dorms. Sexual encounters with the opposite sex are acceptable, and encouraged-whether it be cousin, sister, aunt, or livestock. Dorms include:

• Miller Hall (men)
• Keystone Hall (men)
• Busch Hall (men)
• Natural Ice Hall (men)
• Screwdriver Hall (married)
• Hitler's Whorehouse (Sorority girls)

Non sorority girls, being inferior in the sight of all Greeks, generally live on the street whoring themselves out in hopes that one day they will save enough to upgrade into Hitler's Whorehouse. Liberal students are expelled by any means necessary, even when it involves making things up, so they don't have any home.

The newly built Tioga Park Condominiums feature riparian sideyards, secure parking, and countless other amenities

Tioga Park

Tioga Park is situated approximately 2 miles north of the Ferris State campus. Recently completed in 2007, it offers students comfortable student housing, secure parking, and a nearby bar which has just extended its hours. This can be yours all at a reasonable price! River rafting, jogging, and beer pong are just a few of the many activities enjoyed by students who live here. Future tenants interested in living here should apply early as available space does fill up.

Ownership and Control

Graduating Class 2007

The school is primarily funded by the NRA. When funds are low, students will often sell road kill, trapped otter, and night crawlers at $2 a pound. It's rumored that the newly built multi-million dollar FLITE library was paid for by one of the largest bait sells in history.

Demographics

The student body is 80 percent White of which half came from the far and remote land of UP.

The faculty is entirely made up of white suburban Republicans, which assures students that all their classes will be taught with an outrageously conservative bias and that such activities as hiking, protesting, or listening to NPR will merit automatic suspension.

Majors

Bigger than college basketball, football, and hockey combined Mud Necking is Ferris State's flagship extracurricular program

Ferris State has many academic programs. Majors include:

• Mud Necking
• Hunting
• Fishing
• Fish frying
• Night Crawler searching
• Driving around in oversize pickup trucks to compensate for an abnormally small endowment
• Surveying/Engineering
• Education!!!

Though offering a wide variety of culturally diverse programs, perhaps the only major worth pursuing at Ferris is surveying/engineering. For many poor saps across the USA and world, Ferris State is unfortunately the only option for those seeking a four year degree in surveying engineering.

Athletics

(see majors)