User:Kippy/April Fools' 2013
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Dearest readers,
It is with a heavy heart that we here at the cloned impostor Uncyclopedia would like to sincerely and humbly apologize to our former host, Wikia. Almost three months to the day separated has broke our spirit completely, we've seen the light and ask that you take us back with sympathetic arms.
We weren't exactly willing to do this, but we had no choice. We needed $500 to pay for our servers by the April deadline. Well, it's April, and we're screwed. Unfortunately, we failed to meet our goal with $17. To clarify, that's only $17 we earned selling knock-off merchandise in our store. We only sold one doody t-shit and a pack of Cuntymints, both bought by Zombiebaron. While ZB's awful smelling shirt and tingly genitalia always helps to boost morale, it just doesn't pay the bills.
We have nobody to blame but ourselves. Our ambitions for "independence" and "self-management" was our own undoing. We were so blinded by raw greed that we failed to understand the workings of the free market. We now realize that having a dominant centralized power above our heads is the most efficient way the glorious capitalist system works. We simply can't compete with Wikia. Who do we think we are? The Infosphere? Please. Being sodomized by the invisible hand was the only way we ever came to our senses.
Meanwhile, what we thought would be a new freedom has actually been a sharp descent into anarchy. Without rules or proper bureaucratic overhead, our "comedy", if we can call it that, is running wild. When we're not wasting time playing grab-ass in the voting pages or dicking with bots on IRC, the actual content we contribute to this site has been mostly, in a word, crapcakes. We're basically South Park with even more poop jokes and without any of the satirical edge. No, no, we're not even worthy to compare ourselves to South Park. We're a toilet. A clogged, overflowing, smelly, nasty toilet, with no more room for all the excess crap to go.
Perhaps it's fate giving us a break that we can't pay for our servers. This website is such an embarrassment we'd be willing to completely shut it down manually. Instead, we have the opportunity to sit back, open up a can of light beer and watch the site being demolished through explosions at the very foundations.
But first, we must make with the obligatory yet still heartfelt apologies. To everyone at Wikia, who generously hosted and micromanaged us for years; to everyone we left behind and hurt by nearly destroying Uncyclopedia forever:
We are so, so sorry.
We were beyond foolish, but like the Prodigal Son, we only wish to come home. Please find it in your heart to forgive us. )`=
Most of all, we are sorry for the silly reason we left in the first place: The content warning. However, in our defense, it was pretty frickin' gay. It was pink and it had a "fucking magnets" meme on it. It was kind of embarrassing. A white guy psychotic clown rapper that ceased to be amusing years ago coated in latent homosexuality. The ultimate representation of everything we subconsciously feared Uncyclopedia and our individual selves would become.
Still, it was very shallow and childish of us to nitpick, as you can't judge a book by its pestiferous, effeminate cover. Fortunately, our fears have since been subsided. The current content warning is bland and boring. It now represents everything we hope to be after we return to Wikia and tone down this pathetic display of un-encyclopedic boosterism.
Was this change of content warning a subtle invitation back? We like to think so.
As you're reading this, we're working hard to reconcile with the classic and one true Uncyclopedia. It won't be an easy transition, but with a swallowed pride and our tails tucked between our legs, we can only pray for tears of relief when this nightmare is over and we're all back where we belong. Meanwhile, we can only give a thousand hugs of gratitude to those wise Uncyclopedians who remained loyal to Wikia and held camp down while we were embarking on this arrogant, doomed experiment.
On that bittersweet note, all regular users reading this please pack up your desks and meet us at Wikia, if you haven't already. The healing must begin.
- For the future of Uncyclopedia,
- The Administrators