User:KP Figgs
“God Hates Figgs.”
K.P. Figgs (1948-1998) was a neo-colonial post-maodern pictographical writer of the neo-classical modern era, but he is perhaps best known for inventing peanuts.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Figgs was invented in Turkey in 1948, by Irish parents. He was raised in England, but this later proved to be unnecessary, as he grew quite tall anyway. At a young age, on a trip to Cornwall, he was traumatised by the sight of a Globster - an event from which he never fully recovered. He later went on to give a full account of the experience in his semi-autobiographical novelette, Aaahh!!! Real Globsters (1994). Figgs attended Oxbridge University, where he studied theory.
Works[edit | edit source]
One of Figgs' most profound works, The Pauli Exclusion Principle (1977), states that no more than two electrons can occupy an orbital and they must have opposite spins. That has to be a metaphor for something. The Pauli Exclusion Principle is not about a goofy goober who never fit in. When this subject matter was suggested to Figgs, he famously replied, "I'm not writing about a gooby!"
Figgs also wrote more light-hearted comedic work, including 1984's 1001 Jean-Paul Sartre Jokes. This is one of the earliest known examples of Sartire.
Figgs' later works include a semi-autobiographical novelette, Aaahh!!! Real Globsters, a book which describes the childhood a fictional protagonist, P.G. Tips.
A collection of his private letters was published posthumously in K.P. Figgs: Genius or Mad Genius? The Complete Letters. This volume consists almost exclusively of love poems addressed to Cilla Black.
Famous Quotes[edit | edit source]
“So yeah, art...”
“I know how they get the figs into the fig rolls.”
“Yes, we have no bananas.”
“All your peanuts are belong to us.”
“Yes, please.”
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- It is not commonly known that K.P. Figgs was also a passionate amateur musician, writing both the melody and lyrics of the famous George Dawes song, "Peanuts".
- Figgs was known as 'Kippers' to close friends.
- One of Figgs' favourite pastimes was to wear savoury snacks as accessories. Among his favourites were Hula Hoop rings, Frisp monacles, and Ranchero eyebrows. He did, however, once become very distraught when one of his party guests told him to "do one with peanuts!" He later stated in an interview that he found the comment disrespectful.
- He once got into a fistfight with Bill Murray.
- K.P. Figgs cares about Europe, although his opinion of supranational law is uncertain. In a 1993 essay he spoke of how he often confuses it with supernatural law, which governs ghosts and mummies as opposed to EU member states.
- George Bush does not care about black people.
- The initials K.P. stand for Kaptain Planet
- The initials of the character P.G. Tips stand for Professor Globe
- Figgs was once extremely embarrassed, when a misunderstanding caused him to bring a sack full of books to the Reading Festival.
- K.P. Figgs never met a Toby that he didn't like.
- K.P. Figgs never met a Tory that he liked.
- Figgs' favourite food, after peanuts, was Dawkin' Donuts