User:Jesusatemyhamster/HowTo:Shove Large Quantities Of Dynamite Down Your Trousers

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Gorillatrans.gif HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Preamble[edit]

OK, so for some reason it's come to this. Maybe your cat died, maybe you've just killed a guy. Frankly, I don't care - tell it to your therapist. You've decided that the time has come to shove large quantities of dynamite down your trousers (DO NOT attempt to substitute the word "trousers" for "underwear" at any point in this article).

Step 1-Buy Dynamite[edit]

Let's start with the basics. The very, absolute bare minimum of basics. You need DYNAMITE. Large quantities of it (well, duh...). Thankfully, your local Iranian, Arms Dealer, Quarry or Communist Party will have a healthy surplus they will be willing to sell you at a knock-down price. No Explosives Licence needed. Make sure you have plenty of the greens though.

Step 2-Select Appropriate Trousers[edit]

Wear a pair of trousers you don't mind getting too mucky. Dynamite is dirty stuff, and causes a real mess if handled incorrectly. Ever tried getting blood stains out of soft furnishings? Thought not. Bet your mum always did it for you, didn't she?

Step 2.5-Banish Misgivings[edit]

This is just a quick intermediate stage. if you are having ANY, and I mean ANY misgivings, read this: GET ON WITH IT, LOSER. YOUR PARENTS HATE YOU AND THE WORLD IS CONSPIRING AGAINST YOU. Hope that clears up some issues there.

Step 3-The Execution Phase (Don't Worry, It's Only A Name. No, Really. Straight Up.)[edit]

  1. Check that the dynamite is SECURE. Don't want bits dropping off and ruining the plan now, do we?
  2. Ensure detonator is set
  3. Write your Last Will and Testament (Nothing's going to happen. Just to be safe).
  4. Check the dynamite again. Writing can easily dislodge things.
  5. Detonate yourself. If you are too much of a coward to do this, ask a casual acquaintance to do so for you. I would recommend a Japanese tourist, as you get a souvenir photo.
  6. Watch your reproductive organs as they are blown to smithereens and scatter over a wide area.
  7. Watch me as I laugh at your immense stupidity, cash in the large life insurance policy I took out against you and sleep with your wife/attractive relative.