User:IT'S A LION!

IT'S A LION!

IT'S A LION! is a part-time denizen of the internet, known for skullduggery and tomfoolery. He hasn't made any significant contributions, but he wrote 90% of the Narnia article. He's also working on an article about One Piece, the historically inspired tale of how Buddha defeated the pirates.

The following is my attempt at an article on One Piece.

One Piece

The cast of One Piece

“My treasure? It's yours, if you can find it. Good luck! I forgot where I left it years ago!”

~ the pirate king's final words on his treasure

One Piece is a manga series written by Akira Toriyama and first published in 1974, loosely based on the exploits of real-life pirate Edward Teach. It is renowned in Japan and the continental United States for its themes of friendship, adventure, genocide, eating disorders, and Satan worship.

The series takes place on a world much like ours, in that the common people are forced to hand over exorbitant amounts of money to a bunch of assholes on a mountain top castle who already have all the money they could ever need, and in return are permitted to go about their daily lives on whatever scraps are left. Most of the planet is ruled by a ruthless world government, called the "World Government", and supported by the Catholic Church. Dissenters are labeled pirates and forced to sail the seven four seas, encountering bizarre characters with preposterous superpowers and depressing backstories.

At his execution, self-proclaimed "King of the Pirate King Pirates" Ol' D. Codger declared that the pirate life was the life for him, right before he was decapitated. Thousands of youngsters took to the seas, hoping that they, too, would one day be decapitated. Standing tall among them are the Gum Gum Pirates, a crew of ruthless murderers who have blazed a trail of death and destruction across the world.

Characters

"Gum Gum" Luffy

Chunkey D. Roofie is the captain of the Gum Gum Pirates and the "hero" of One Piece. His entire body can stretch like Gum Gum due to his incredible Gum Gum powers, which he gained at a young age via devil worship. He is obsessed with becoming the second pirate king, even though there never was a pirate king and the last guy who claimed to be one was executed. This entails sailing an imaginary sea to an island that doesn't exist, and anyone who questions Luffy's delusion receives a severe beating.

Luffy was abandoned by his parents, Reed Richards and Helen Parr, who left him in the care of a kindly priest named Father Garp. The severe developmental disorders brought on by Luffy's brain matter essentially turning into a rubber band led to all sorts of mishaps, like nearly being eaten by sea monsters at age 7. Eventually he met a Satanic cultist named Shanks, who dedicated the boy to the Legions of Hell. Shanks sealed the pact with a hideous old straw hat his grandma gave him, and made a hasty exit. It is Luffy's lifelong quest to make Shanks take the smelly, ugly hat back, thus freeing himself from the evil spirits that torment him constantly.

"Copyright Infringement" Zorro

Roronoa Zoronoa (not to be confused with his cousin Zolo) is Luffy's first mate and an alcoholic vampire hunter. He wields approximately two dozen swords, clenched in his hands, feet, teeth, armpits and buttocks. His special techniques allow him to cut anything, including the fabric of space/time, and gain extra limbs when he merges with the demon spider goddess Lolth.

Zorlo grew up in the tiny village of Sparta, where he was trained in the arts of War alongside a girl named Kuina. When Kuina lamented that the process of growing up would interfere with her swordfighting skill, Zoronoa misunderstood and threw her down the stairs. He was exiled and became a vampire hunter for some quick cash. His ultimate goal is to slay the vampire messiah, Dracula Mohawk. Unlike most swordsmen, who desire to have the biggest sword in the world, Soro wants to wield more swords than anyone else.

"Pussy Thief" Nami

"Nami" is the pseudonym of Tangerine Jones, an exotic dancer and contract killer hired by Roofie to handle his finances and crew morale. Her lifelong dream is to create a world map at a 1:100 scale. Her primary line of defence is the 700 or so communicable diseases she somehow carries, owing to her adoptive mother's firm belief in tangerine juice as an acceptable substitute for vaccines. Failing that, she resorts to the Climatoris, an elaborately designed sex toy that somehow controls the weather.

Tangerine was an orphan raised by a tangerine farmer named Belle who basically found her in a parking lot one day. She ran away from home and was raised by sharks who taught her how to count cards at their shark casino. Tangerine travelled the East Sea, rooking casinos for all they had, until one day her boss found out she had been embezzling from his casino. He locked her in a room and made her start writing "I will not embezzle from my employers" 3,000 times but fortunately Luffy came along and burned the place down so she would work for him.

"Dick Nose" Usopp

Usopp is a paintball enthusiast, amateur entomologist, blogger and rabid fan of the Gum Gum Pirates. He was never formally inducted into the crew, but follows them from place to place writing about their exploits in his blog. He is armed with various slingshot contraptions, none of which work, and would probably get better results by simply throwing the projectiles at his enemies. And his nose is a dick.

Tragically, Usopp was born with his penis attached to the center of his face. Unable to be around his hideously deformed child, Usopp's father (renowned pirate "That Guy Whose Kid Has A Dick For A Nose" Yasopp) fled when the boy was only an infant. Usopp became a social outcast, stalking young heiresses and LARPing with children half his age. He also had a dick for a nose. Because of this, Usopp's mother sent him to sea in hopes he would find himself, or at least get laid. He quickly latched onto the Gum Gum Pirates, and remains with them despite numerous restraining orders and much violence. He still has a dick on his face, though.