Justine "Never gonna get any" Beaver (pronounced /'geɪ 'fæg/) born March 1, 2004, is an R&B singer of variable age and gender. Bieber has been described as a boy, a girl, something else, 10 years old according to his voice, 16 years old according to his parents, and around 30 years old according to his lyrics. He/she became internationally famous when she posted a video of her singing her own song, Chocolate Rain, on YouTube. Shortly after this, she set up a record label with Usher, which gave her some success. In her later years, Bieber became addicted to several drugs, including heroin, cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, aspirin, paracetamol, and cough syrup. Bieber also got caught up in the East Coast-West Coast hip hop rivalry, which ultimately claimed her life, as she was stabbed to death in Birmingham, after a previous assassination attempt failed, despite Bieber receiving 42 gunshot wounds to the groin.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Justin Hermaphroditus Gaga Bieber was born to anonymous and your mom (which technically makes him your sister) after a passionate one night stand. Bieber was initially to be sold to Brangelina, but since he wasn't Vietnamese, he was instead sold to a hillbilly 'couple' called Cletus and Spunk, and their son Jed (who was also their grandfather). Cletus taught Bieber to play the banjo, which he turned out to be incredibly skilled at.
— Spunk on Justin Bieber
— Cletus on Spunk
— Spunk on Cletus
Bieber was forced onto the streets of Hollywood after his foster parents were arrested for incest, where his banjo playing earned him a decent living, where his genitalia was stolen by Lady Gaga. It also earned him a scholarship to a Tibetan monastery in the local Chinatown. Here, he learned the ways of the Dark Side, and became the chosen one. This was not to be, however, as he lost a duel with a green midget, and was castrated by Yoda's 12 inch lightsaber. Bieber then fled to Canada, where he would develop his puberty.
Breakthrough[edit | edit source]
— Lady Gaga has a Darth Vader moment, with elements of transgenderism
Bieber was reunited with his
father mother sexually ambiguous parent Anonymous, and moved in with her him it. Here, he began to write songs about his experiences; however, Hillbilly Incest wasn't much of a success. After being told by Anon that "the key to writing a good song is getting totally pissed and writing down everything you say", Bieber wrote the hit single "Chocolate Rain". Usher, meanwhile, was looking for porn on YouTube, but accidentally clicked on Bieber's link. After receiving the following message:
“No I was not! I also was not masturbating over those people who were not girls and were not naked, and were not having a meal from that porcelain cup!”
Usher then commented, under the username HornyEunuch:
— Usher on Justin Bieber
Bieber soon signed onto a record label with Usher, and his career began there and then. However, Usher had to fight Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson and a Hobo for who would be the one to sign Justin. This resulted in an epic rap battle between the six,(that was on FAT hobo), which Usher won because he's black and because you need a low voice to do mean gangsta rapping (sorry Timberlake). Timberlake then had an operation to make himself black, turning himself into Timbaland. Michael Jackson did the opposite because he spontaniously combusted
Decline[edit | edit source]
It wasn't long before it all ended quite abruptly, though. Bieber became very close to Usher, and even began to question his feelings. This prompted our favourite gay prepubescent singer (yes, we like him even more than Chris Martin. Sorry Chris) to have a sex change operation. This went horribly wrong, and left Bieber incredibly deformed (despite already being deformed). Depressed, Bieber turned to hard drugs; after photos of her were taken, depicting her downing several bottles of Calpol, Bieber was dropped by her label. Her career was as good as over.
Death[edit | edit source]
Justin Bieber was reportedly stabbed to death in the streets of Birmingham. Anyone who can come forward with information confirming this will be rewarded with a $50,000 sum; there is also a $5 million reward for anyone who confesses to having killed Bieber.
Discography[edit | edit source]
- Hillbilly Incest
- Chocolate Rain
- A Time (When I Had Balls)
- One More Lonely Girl (She Is Better Off)
- Love Me (Because Nobody Does)
- Favorite Gigolo (Not Me)
- Baby (Even Though I Can't Get One (Even Tho I Tried))
- Pussy = The Devil
- I Love Mainstream (But Only Fat Bastards Do)
- My Little Shotas
- Put Your Spare Change In The Same Bucket That I'm Trying To Collect Talent In (please help, It's Empty)
- The Pedo Puppets (with The Jonas Brothers)
- Eenie Meenie Teenie Weenie (That's My Dick, Don't Be a Meanie)
- It's Not That Long
- Shawty Cock
- Rude Boy Can You Get It Up? (Get What Up?)
- Transexual Babysitters'
- If I was a guy
- Why the frack did I get a boner while taking a crap?
- Does Size Matter? (Cos I Don't Got It)