User:Hyperbole/Adorable minorities
Adorable minorities are a sub-species of human being who carry genetic markers that make them exceptionally lovable. While these creatures are rare, they can be kept as pets, and even more frequently, find full-time employment on reality shows such as Friends and Grey's Anatomy.
Adorable minorities are almost always male. The genes that cause adorability in male minorities tend to cause women to become improbably attractive, intelligent, and level-headed. Thus, if you are fortunate enough to encounter an adorable minority, you should befriend him, if only to try to hook up with his sister.
White people consider adorable minorities excellent candidates to show off to all their friends to prove how open-minded they are, or to bring home to mom and dad to really fuck with their narrow conservative worldview.
Types of adorable minorities[edit | edit source]
The adorable black guy[edit | edit source]
The adorable black guy is easy to distinguish from a regular black guy. While a regular black guy is incredibly terrifying, an adorable black guy is almost ridiculously non-threatening. He is chubby, clean-cut, and has a relentlessly cheerful demeanor.
To determine whether a black guy is adorable, consider presenting him with a moral choice. An adorable black guy will always make the correct moral choice, but he will always make it reluctantly. For example, if you leave a $20 bill on a table, an adorable black guy will eye it, and walk up to it in a comic fashion, appear to have trouble restraining himself from stealing it, and then walk away exclaiming "Aw, man, I wanted dat money!"
Adorable black guys speak in an unusual dialect: although their accent resembles (and may even be an exaggerated version of) ebonics, their vocabulary consists exclusively of words familiar to white people. Also, adorable black guys will never use profanity; they prefer instead to substitute obscenities with catch phrases. For example, when cut off in traffic, a white person might say "What the fuck, asshole?" but an adorable black guy will exclaim "A brotha just can't catch a break!" It is also important to note that an adorable black guy will put an exclamation mark at the end of every single sentence.
An adorable black guy will almost always consider himself a "player" and will hit on any woman within his line of sight. However, he is rejected nearly 100% of the time, and takes those rejections with a cheerful good nature, never becoming persistent.
The adorable Jew[edit | edit source]
The adorable Jew is similar to a regular Jew, except that he is shorter, thinner, less self-confident, and is not a Zionist. Further, his sense of humor consists almost entirely of self-deprecating comments. The adorable Jew considers himself almost hilariously inadequate at everything.
It's very easy to distinguish an adorable Jew from a regular Jew. Simply ask him if you can borrow $20. If the Jew uses this opportunity to make fun of himself in a vaguely whiny way, he is adorable. If he tells you you're being an anti-semite, files a complaint with the Anti-Semitism league, and sues you for defamation of character, he is not.
Another identifiable feature of adorable Jews is their ridiculously curly hair. If you keep one of these creatures as a pet, it is very, very important that you do not leave any Velcro lying around the house.
In contrast to the adorable black guy, who hits on thousands of women and never gets a date, the adorable Jew tends to pine after one woman, and always ends up with her after a period of time. This is because, while women find nervous insecurity to be an unattractive trait in normal men, they find it absolutely irresistible in adorable Jews.
The adorable gay guy[edit | edit source]
The adorable gay guy is perhaps the most adorable of any adorable minority. His mannerisms are almost comically exaggerated, and he is far more feminine than any female ever born. He is an unending font of wisdom about style, fashion, accessories, and interior design, and he is perpetually delighted by absolutely everything around him.
Distinguishing an adorable gay guy from a regular gay guy can be tricky. The easiest way is to put him alone in the room with another gay man - one who is sexy, single, and kind of a slut. The regular gay man will probably have sex with that man. In contrast, the adorable gay guy will not, because adorable gay guys are not actually gay. When you return, he will merely be delighted at having been locked in a room for an hour because it gave him the opportunity to dance.
It's theoretically possible that a female version of the adorable black guy or the adorable Jew could exist. However, there has never been an adorable lesbian. There is nothing adorable about lesbians.
The adorable dwarf[edit | edit source]
The adorable dwarf is an unusual adorable minority, in that, while the others are more benign and non-threatening versions of regular minorities, the adorable dwarf is actually more of a badass than his normal counterparts. He is a heavy drinker, is prone to violence, and is a relentless womanizer.
It's easy to tell whether a dwarf is adorable; simply insult him. A regular dwarf will cry, but an adorable dwarf will attack. Yes, when insulted even in the most subtle way, the adorable dwarf will immediately fly into a rage and charge the offending party.
It will be incredibly cute.
Adorable dwarves are extremely successful with women, but never monogamous. Instead, they walk around with a tall blonde model on their arm - but never the same one twice.