User:Hleath2/University of Illinois at Chicago
"If we allowed our students to graduate within four years, our student body would be non-existent." - David Hasselhoff, Dean of Undergraduate Admission, College of Liberal Arts and Sciences
"Who doesn't love corruption paired with an education?"- Joseph Stalin, Visiting Lecturer in Latin American Studies
“I think most of us came here because either we have an IQ of a cucumber, or because we are closeted homosexuals.”
The University of Illinois at Chicago, or the more aptly named University of Indians and Chinese (UIC), is the retarded and most corrupt middle-child in the every-failing UI system of education. The other two schools are located in the middle of nowhere (Springfield and Urbana-Champaign).The campus was created back in the 1960s when Mayor Richard Daley decided to blow more of Illinois' money on pointless dribble. Thinking that it would be a great idea to build a disgustingly large bomb-shelter in Chicago in case World War III was to reoccur, Daley asked the Italians to get the fuck out and demolished what was once "Little Italy" and the home of the famous philanthropist, Al Capone.
While in the midst of building the proposed bomb-shelter, Daley decided that he needed to give the dumber and/or poorer younger folk of Illinois an opportunity for an education. Thus, UIC was created, and to this day, it resembles a glorified bomb-shelter. There is a general lack of windows in all of the buildings, and thus, UIC is currently trying to make up for this deficiency by composing entire buildings of glass, calling it, "Your Student Money at Work". The general lack of aesthetic beauty on the campus causes massive rioting biannually.
UIC's mascot is Sparky D. Dragon, and sports teams are referred to as "the Flames", as UIC students are either: Indian, Chinese, poor white-children with assholes for a father, or fans of Boystown. Although the equivalent to earning a 4.0 at UIC is the same as earning a 2.47 at the University of Michigan, many students still manage to flunk out. UIC is most known for its notable faculty, such as 1960s terrorist Bill Ayers, the man who's smoky bedroom launched the political career of President-Elect Barack Obama.
If you intend on attending UIC, please keep in mind that when you tell people that you go here, they will always misinterpret you as attending UofC (University of Chicago)and consquently find you very bright, or will not misinterpret you at all, and dismiss you as the offspring of Lindsay Lohan and Tony Blair.
Alumni from UIC include Nostradamus, Harry Potter, Jon Bon Jovi, and Mao Zedong. The university is also well known for graduating Roger Shiffman, inventor of Furby, the first robot to exhibit multiple personalities. They are all perfect examples of the kind of people this university produces.
wtf dont dis my skool
Claim to Fame[edit | edit source]
UIC is said to be the site of the coming Apocalypse.
Gettin' Around[edit | edit source]
Although each student at UIC is charged each semester for a "U-Pass" that grants them free rides within the city, utilizing the pass is impossible to do. Much like how UIC's pseudo-bureaucracy tries to make graduating or anything else very important difficult, UIC and the city of Chicago have managed to ensure that buses and the blue line never run on time. By preventing students from getting to class on time, it helps them attain their goal of keeping students here longer, delaying their graduation, and therefore, keeping the dough rollin' in.
Facts[edit | edit source]
- UIC has the nation's largest medical school.
- UIC is the 4th most diverse campus in the nation.
- UIC attracts the most Asians.
- UIC attracts the most voyeuristic people.
- UIC is ranked number one in the nation for the amount of student-professor sexual escapades.
- UIC resembles a glorified bomb-shelter.
- UIC's behavioral sciences building (BSB) has a layout that looks like a Rorschach inkblot. Once again, giving insight into the type of people this university attracts and produces.
- UIC beat the geeks at the University of Chicago in terms of research funding expenditure. [1] The author does not know where that money goes.
- UIC was one of the filming locations for the movie "Stranger Than Fiction", starring Will Ferrell and Dustin Hoffman.
- UIC floods every other week. Or as often as it rains. Or whenever they forget to turn off the sprinklers.
- UIC smells like sewage.
Crime[edit | edit source]
Some of the most innovative crimes take place weekly at UIC. Usually the crimes involve either an innocent student of philosophy being bludgeoned to death outside a lecture hall, or robbings at the TCF Bank stationed in the Student Center. Most of the robbings have been attributed not to actual criminals, but to unsatisfied students, desperate to get hold of their money.
Students are commonly dragged away by the Chicago police from SSB (Student Services Building) for "shady" behavior. Their behavior, which appears to be a simple lurking about outside of the Financial Aid Office and Student Accounts Receivable, is seen as loitering. In the long run, many cases turn out to be that the students were simply trying to gain access to their funds, report unemployment, or find out why they were being charged for the HDTV that Rod Blagojevich purchased.