User:GodShapedBullet/Total cardiac eclipse
| It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality. | |||
A total cardiac eclipse is an astroanatomical phenomenon in which the heart is completely blocked by the body so that the sun cannot shine on it. Unlike lunar and solar eclipses, which happen infrequently and are therefore treated as greatly significant events, a cardiac eclipse, even a total cardiac eclipse, is not a significant event. To find out when the next total cardiac eclipse is, check your calendar for the next time you are not having open heart surgery in a room with a sunroof. Having open heart surgery in a room with a sunroof, in fact, is the only time a total cardiac eclipse cannot be seen. Also sometimes there might not be one when administering a fatality as a result of kombat.
Discovery[edit | edit source]
Total cardiac eclipses were discovered by Bonnie Tyler in 1983. Though Tyler was well respected in the astronomy community before this point, many were a little bit nervous that the best of her years had already gone by. However, her discovery of a new kind of eclipse rekindled popular interest in astronomy and greatly increased her professional esteem. In fact, soon after Tyler’s discovery, she was elevated to number one on Billboard Hot 100 Astronomers list, which she held until rogue astronomers used a shrink ray to shrink Pluto, thus winning a greater share of public attention.
Papal Reaction[edit | edit source]
Because the initial public response to the discovery of total cardiac eclipses was positive, the Catholic Church felt obligated to disagree with it. Pope Jean Paul Redux, in clear opposition to Tyler’s findings, stated “The Bible tells us that this is ridiculous. Hearts aren’t astronomical bodies. They aren’t even bodies. If Ms. Tyler does not recant her heretical position, we will be forced to excommunicate her.”
The Pope’s threat was ineffective, mainly because it was in Latin, a language that Tyler, as well as everyone else, did not speak. Enraged, the Pope raised an army of zombie choir boys to attack Tyler and get her to recant. The attack was unsuccessful, however, thanks to the intervention of several ninjas and creepily aged male ballerinas. Though the Catholic Church denies this attack, clear evidence has surfaced in video format and was widely circulated by MTV.
Health Risks[edit | edit source]
Total cardiac eclipses causes heart blockage, and can therefore cause heart attacks. This makes cardiac eclipses much more badass than solar eclipses, because being blind doesn’t seem that bad compared to your freaking heart attacking you dead. On the other hand, there are blind people that wish they were dead, but there aren’t a lot of dead people wishing they were blind. Anyway, no one should look at a total cardiac eclipse. No one should read about them either.
Treatment[edit | edit source]
There is nothing you can do, it's a total eclipse of the heart.