UnScripts:Star Wars: A New Hope X is part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions
To combat Star Trek and it's lack of full out sexuality, George Lucas' original Star Wars movie was written to be darker, more sexual and violent, known as Star Wars: A New Hope X. When Lucas discovered the sexual antics of James T. Kirk in the Star Trek series, he canned the idea and went with more of a family tone.
In 2008, the original script for Star Wars: A New Hope X was leaked to the public, and we are here to show you it today.
A considerably lengthy time period ago, in a galaxy far, far, far, far away...
It is a menstruation period of civil war. S.P.E.R.M. spaceships, striking from a hidden base, known as 'The Head', have won their seven-hundredth victory against the evil Goa Tse Empire. During the battle, S.P.E.R.M. spies managed to steal unconfidential plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Cosmic Apocalypse Clitoris, an armored space station with enough power to fucking swallow a planet whole for energy. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leimee races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore anarchy to the galaxy
The awesome school bus yellow planet of Titooine emerges from a total eclipse, her sixty-nine moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a S.P.E.R.M. Condom Runner firing white lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. It is pursed by a giant Goa Tse Starfucker. Hundreds of deadly laserbolts cream from the Goa Tse Starfucker, causing a ball sack of the S.P.E.R.M. craft to disintegrate.
INTERIOR: S.P.E.R.M. CONDOM RUNNER -- VAS DEFERINS.
An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Lee-Eseven (L3-E7) and See-Fourko (C-4KO) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing, trembling passageway, rubbing against the bulkheads. Both robots are old, battered, retarded and horny. Eseven is a short, dildo-armed tripod. His face is a mess of pornographic imagery lights surrounding a gaydar eye. Fourkayo, on the other hand, is a tall, slender robot of human proportions. He has a gleaming bronze-like metallic protrusion of an Art Deco design. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way.
FOURKO: Did you hear that? Those fuckers shut down the main reactor. We'll be buttraped for sure. This is madness!
SPERM troopers rush past the robots and take up 7 different positions in the main passageway. They aim their weapons toward the door.
FOURKO: We're fucked!
The little L3 unit makes a series of orgasmic sounds that only another robot could understand.
FOURKO: There'll be no lubrication for the Princess this time.
Lee continues making orgasm sounds. Penile tension mounts as loud metallic latches moan and the scream of heavy equipment are heard moving around the outside hull of the ship.
FOURKO: I think I just creamed my armor, Eseven!
EXTERIOR: SPACECRAFT IN SPACE WITH IMAGES OF EWOK PORN.
The Goa Tse craft has easily overtaken the SPERM Condom Runner. The smaller SPERM ship is being drawn into the underside crack of the giant Goa Tse starship. The crack of the opening stretches to sizes of unimaginable porportions revealing the great inards of the vast ship.
INTERIOR: SPERM CONDOM RUNNER.
The nervous SPERM troopers aim their weapons. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of erectly-armored spacesuited spunktroopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor. In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with shock image grenades. The deadly image grenades fly in wild random patterns creating huge explosions. Spunktroopers scatter and duck behind tissue storage bins. Shock images hit several SPERM soldiers who scream and stagger through the smoke, holding shattered arms and faces. A shock image grenade hits near the robots.
FOURKO: I should have known better than to trust the logic of a fucknut autostimulatory phallus assister...
Lee counters with an angry moan as the battle rages around the two understimulated robots.
EXTERIOR: TITOOINE -- DESERT WASTELAND -- DAY.
A cum-white wasteland stretches from horizon to horizon. The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settle on a lone figure, Luke Skywanker, a pimp with heroic aspirations who looks much younger than his eighteen years. His shaggy hair and baggy tunic give him the air of a simple but lovable sex doll with a prize-winning cock. A light wind whips at him, causing an erection, as he adjusts several valves on a large battered autostimulatory vaginal assister which sticks out of the desert floor much like an dildo with valves. He is aided by another beatup vaginal assister with six claw arms. The little robot appears to be barely functioning and moves with jerky motions as it helps pleasure Luke. A bright sparkle in the morning sky catches Luke's eye and he instinctively grabs a pair of electrobinoculars from his condom belt. He stands transfixed for a few moments studying the heavens. He looks desperately at the robot.
LUKE: Hurry up! Make me come! What are you waiting for?! Get in gear! UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! I'm coming!
Quickly then, after ejaculating, Luke disconnects the automstimulatory vaginal assister and then dashes toward his dented, crudely repaired Landjaculator (an auto-like transport that travels a 3 cm above the ground on a magnetic-field). The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of every hole. Luke throws his arms up in disgust as the robot expells liters upon liters of Luke's cum. Exasperated, the young pimp jumps into his Landjaculator leaving the smoldering robot to hum orgasmically.
INTERIOR: SPERM CONDOM RUNNER -- VAS DEFERINS.
Darth Laider arrives in the Vas Deferins. Numerous camera shots were used to show off the pure evilness that is of the Dark Lord of the Shit.
The awesome, seven-foot-tall, 10 inch long Dark Lord of the Shit makes his way into the dimmer-than-regulation light of the main passageway. This is Darth Laider, right ball of the Emperor. His face is obscured by his flowing black vagina-shaped and grotesque breath mask, which stands out next to the racist white armored suits of the Goa Tse spunktroopers. Everyone instinctively backs away from the erect and confident warrior and a deathly quiet sweeps through the SPERM troops. Several of the SPERM troops break and run in a frenzied panic.
INTERIOR: SPERM CONDOM RUNNER.
A woman's hand puts a dildo into an opening in Lee's dome. Lee makes orgasm sounds.
Fourko stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered and moronic. Lee is nowhere in sight. The pitiful moans of the doomed SPERM soldiers can be heard in the distance.
FOURKO: Eseven! Lee-Eseven, where the fuck are you?!
A familiar moaning sound attacks Fourko's attention and he spots little lee's penis at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled crack. A beautiful young girl (about eighteen years old, she has to be legal) stands in front of Lee. Surreal and out of place, dreamlike and half hidden in the smoke, she finishes masturbating on Lee's computer face, then watches as the little robot ends the session and joins his companion.
FOURKO: At fucking last! Where the hell have you been?
Spunktroopers can be heard battling and moaning in the distance.
FOURKO: FUCK! They're heading in this direction. What the hell are we going to do? We'll be sent to the crap mines of Vaggel or smashed and molded into sub-grade dildos!
Lee scoots past his bronze friend and races down the subhallway in a fucking frantic pace. Fourko chases after him.
FOURKO: Wait a minute, where the fuck are you going?
Lee responds with electronic orgasms.
INTERIOR: SPERM CONDOM RUNNER -- VAS DEFERINS.
Darth Laider stands erect amongst the broken and limp bodies and dildos of his foes. He grabs a wounded SPERM Officer's penis as a Goa Tse Officer rushes up to the Dark Shit.
GOA TSE OFFICER: The Cosmic Apocalypse Clitoris plans are not in the main computer, secondary computer, auxiliary computer, or sex simulator, all 25 of them.
Laider squeezes the penis of the SPERM Officer, who struggles in vain.
LAIDER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted, you mother-fucking piece of SPERM shit!?
Laider lifts the SPERM off his feet by his penis.
LAIDER: What have you fucking done with those plans, you jackass!?
SPERM OFFICER: We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah....This is a pleasure ship. Were on mission of distributing free orgasms.
LAIDER: If this is a pleasure ship...where is the Ambassador of Prostitution?
The SPERM refuses to speak but eventually cries out as the Dark Shit begins to squeeze the officer's penis, creating a gruesome snapping and scream, until the soldier's penis goes limp. Laider tosses the dead soldier against the wall and turns to his troops.
LAIDER: Master Debater, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans and bring me the Ambassador of Prostitution. I want her alive...and horny! Fail me, and I will truly FUCK YOU UP!
The spunktroopers scurry into the vas deferins.
