User:DeletedUser0001/Necrophilobia
“Think I'm getting a stiffy”
“Hey baby, you gonna eat that? And before you say anything, yes that was a line. Oooh, you're a quiet one!”
“The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where one ends, and the other begins?”
“Seriously, Poe. It's time to move on. Besides, she was your COUSIN. And she was what, thirteen?”
“Maybe you should be more open-minded, you necrophilobiac.”
“Whatever. You want to huff some kittens?”
“I'll stick with the opium, thank you.”
Necrophilobia is the irrational fear of having sex with a dead person. Whereas the majority of the world population (52%) is disgusted with the prospect of having sex with a dead person, only a small percentage of people [1] constantly fear having sex with dead people to the point where it interferes with their lives. Patients who suffer from Necrophilobia usually cite the same three possibilities where they might accidentally have sex with a dead person.
1. The drunken bender -- People have always feared getting drunk and having sex with an ugly person. In this case, the patient fears getting drunk and actually sleeping with a dead person. Some patients fear digging up a dead person, and others fear the person will die in the actual act of sex. Often for Necrophilobia sufferers, this means that they will not approach any bar within 200 miles of a cemetery, morgue, or Alanis Morriset concert.
“Talk about skeletons in the closet!”
2. The Dead body falls out of the sky during naked time" –- This fear is especially cited among Necrophilobia sufferers who live in large rural areas and/or chronic masturbators. It is the fear that, while wandering nude in one’s own back yard, a naked body will fall out of the sky and land on their genitals.
3. Getting raped by a zombie –- New evidence shows that this form of the fear may start early in childhood if a child watches the movie Shivers at too young of an age, or the music video "Thriller."
Diagnosis[edit | edit source]
If someone you know seems to show signs of this Necrophilobia, do not try to diagnose or treat them yourself. You may make the fear more ingrained. Instead, take the person to the nearest mental health professional and have them checked out immediately.
1. Subject avoids cemeteries at all costs, even on funerals and special occasions.
2. Subject refuses to take off his or her clothes at any time. (Note, other symptoms must be present or else the subject may be a never-nude)
3. Subject never drinks or attends Alanis Morriset concerts.
4. Subject refuses to watch horror films, especially related to zombies. If the subject does, he or she constantly covers the genitalia area with his or her hands or another object.
5. Subject persistently checks the pulse of people he or she is having sex with, and occasionally listens for breathing.
6. Subject states that he is afraid of having sex with dead people.
7. Subject had a past negative event involving accidental sex with a dead person.
If subject experiences 5 or more of these symptoms, he or she may be a Necrophilobiac.
1. Does the wanker avoid cemeteries and all that rot?
2. Does the cheeky bastard never strip? (Note: the bloody fool’s got to do more than that to be a Necrophilobiac. He could just be a never-nude)
3. Has the queer fellow never downed a pint of ale or attended a Chumbawamba concert?
4. Does the gentleman or lass refuse to watch horror flicks outright? Being they do watch the flicks, do they cover their privates like they’ve had one too many ales?
5. Do they check the pulse of others while shagging, or listen for breathing a lil’ bit?
6. Do they outright say that are afraid of shagging dead people?
7. Has the sicko shagged a dead body before?
If wanker experiences 5 or more of these symptoms and such, he or she may be a Necrophilobiac, and should be knighted by the Queen immediately. Oh look, tea time.
Treatment[edit | edit source]
Like most phobias, Necrophilobia can be treated through exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is a safe and controlled way for subjects to learn how to fight their fear gradually, until their anxiety is completely reduced. First the subject is told to imagine themselves naked next to a dead body. Then, they are shown a picture of a person having sex with a dead body. Then they are told to strip completely nude next to the picture. Next, they are shown an actual dead body. Finally, the subject is forced to have sex with the dead body. [2]
Drugs can also be used to treat the patient, although they are more of a band-aid solution, since they treat the anxiety and not the source of anxiety itself. [3] Hypnotherapy is also a possible solution, but only if you’re a pussy.
Complications[edit | edit source]
Occasionally, Necrophilobia can lead to other types of mental illness. These include further irrational fears, as well as obsessive-compulsive disorders and other related illnesses. Here are some of the more noteworthy illnesses related to or caused by Necrophilobia:
Necropregnophilobia[edit | edit source]
The irrational fear of getting a dead body pregnant. Dead bodies begin to bloat after death as the body digests itself and gives off methane gas. People often misinterpret this bloating as “knocking up” the bodies and fear creating a demonic, zombie baby love child.
Second-Hand Necrophilobia[edit | edit source]
For some patients, the fear of screwing a dead body [4] becomes so strong, that they won’t even go to public places for fear of being around other people who “may have fucked a corpse,” This is called Second-Hand Necrophilobia, and is pervasive in groups such as politicians, altar boys, Wikipedians, and the Stop Trying to Fuck Undead club, or STFU.
Necrobestialphilobia[edit | edit source]
The irrational fear of having sex with dead animals. This is most common in owners who like submissive animals, such as that lady who always puts sweaters on her Poodle.
Necronymphomaniophobia[edit | edit source]
The irrational fear of having sex with a dead body…and liking it…and wanting more. This is always fun.
Prognosis[edit | edit source]
Sufferers of necrophilobia can sometimes have the fear all their lives until they die (and sometimes after), but are usually able to overcome their fear with the proper therapy. If you know somebody who is terrified of having sex with a corpse, just tell the person to give it a try just once. They may like it. That should help to ease the fear.