User:Aleister/news

Here's what it looks like if you're doing it right. I don't know what's holding the cardboard up.

Topeka, KANSAS - So I'm laying around on my mattress, see, bouncing it around every now and then but for the most part just laying there, maybe with the tv running listening to it talk about things, when I get a call from the UnNews front office, guy named Leverage. He says, does he, that "Johnny, how are you old chap." I thought he was a credit collector or some other kind of salesperson, and was about to hang up when I overhears him saying "Back in March you said your next news report would be about stuff in your room, can you get around to it now, before the first of the year?". I chew on something as I answer 'Sure' and throw the phone down on its back, like a hooker I know named Lucy who doesn't do that for the cheap.

Stuff in my room. Is that what you guys want to read about? I'd think you'd be more interested in ghosts on Mars, or green onions, or what the Queen eats for midnight snack (worms. it's true!). But I'll just educate you on some of the stuff here, what I can see of it.

Tbere's one of those slinky walking things, guy must have made some big bucks who figured out the exact torque on that contraption to make it move down a flight of stairs like a noisy rodent. This slinky has little spikes on it, tiny razors which are embedded in the metal with just enough size to not interfere with the walking movement but actually cuts the wooden stairs or the stairway carpet as it passes, leaving a message on each platform it momentarily rests on that, when read around the circle (have to crane your head a little to see the whole thing), says "Give me pizza, please". I made it myself.

The only other thing in my room that worth a damn is a pair of dead hawks, birds I found mating one day and threw a stone at them. They've kind of dried out, so I've glued them to the wall and put a frame around them. Still in the mating position, which I'd like to try someday. Then theres like a bed, a dresser, a tv on top the dresser, and something else, I forget exactly what it is, hanging on the other wall, in a frame, kind of glued up there I think. Well, this is Johnny, your UnNews reporter, from Topeka, Kansas, giving you the low down on my room, what's worth talking about anyway. Next time I'll tells ya about Nostradamus, and about five percent of the population reads that as Nostrildamus, which must be a hoot to live like that.

I could never figure out how that back part hooks on.

Topeka, KANSAS - Don't ever tell me nuttin about ants, because I don't wanna hear about it. You, on the other hand, need to be schooled in ants.

When the home office said "Johnny, what about the ants" I near shit my pants that someone remembered. So if ants aren't your thing, sit way in the back row, near the exits, and let the people who want to know about these things get down here a bit closer to the screen.

Ants can lift 100 times or maybe 600 times their own body weight. I know this because I used to lean stuff on them. I'd catch one of them crossing the sidewalk and lean a toothpick across its back, to see if it could carry it. More times than not the ant would grab the toothpick and run to the grass. Never failed to amaze me. They drew the line at staplers though, I learned that the hard way.

When ants dance, they shake the ground. That's an old African myth which is mostly true because if all the ants in the world jumped up and down at the exact same moment, they'd cause earthquakes on six of the seven named continents. You could win a bet down at the park knowing that one, because most people forget, counter-intuitively, about Antarctica.

So do you want to know the main reason I know so much about ants? It's I keep ants as captives. They call these green and clear soulless concentration camps 'Ant Farms', a name that makes you think the ants are just clapping it up in there, staring up at the airholes to see when the next food drop is taking place. What they do is force the ants to sublimate their innter-natural instinct and DNA-run central building-skills, which dictate that their tunnels "Shall lead out of everywhere in all directions". In an ant farm the three dozen of so ants who can fit into this prison at one time are forced to dig tunnels between two massive walls of plastic. These smooth unantily walls are spaced so close together that the ants bump into them each time they pass each other. It's a living hell. Much of the time the ants, who usually live underground in the dark and have exceptional sensory skills, fry in the sun even as they either bundle together in the middle of their short-little tunnel system to franticly shade themselves or the smart ones go aboveground and hide behind the green barn.

Give you a penny for each ant you can pick up without breaking one of its legs.

So now you know more about ants than is good for you. This is Johnny, your UnNews reporter in Topeka, Kansas, and maybe next time I'll report to you about the stuff in my room.

The Doctor's companion visits a seldom shown room in the TARDIS

Dallas, TEXAS - CNN's Anderson Cooper, proud as a peacock and beaming like the morning star, announced in an exclusive report that U.S. President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was Doctor Who.

"It was staring everybody in the face for 50 years," Cooper excitedly blurted at the beginning of his report, "but it was only when I thought 'JFK was "killed" the day before Doctor Who's debut, and since Dr. Who rejuvenates from the last body he occupied, JFK must have been The Doctor!"

Cooper checked his theory by calling JFK's daughter, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, to put it to her directly. "Caroline, was your dad Doctor Who?". Caroline confirmed Cooper's suspicion by saying "What? Yes, yeah, okay, he was Doctor Who. For Christ's sake, Anderson, can you get more delus...." at which point Cooper hung up and ran to break the story.

"What made me a believer was that the world thinks Kennedy was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald when he was actually transcended by Clara Oswald," said a giddy Cooper. "Their last names are virtually identical, and they each have first names with two vowels and an L!"

Clara Oswin Oswald, arguably The Doctor's most important companion and the one who has been with him forever, bears a striking resemblance to Lee Harvey Oswald, according to Cooper. "Both are small of stature, both have innocent looking faces and arms, and where Lee was an American defector to the Soviet Union, Clara is a member of the Actor's Union!"

While President Kennedy's body was thought to have been tested, prodded, and poked after death, Cooper has ascertained from studying the seldom-seen Zapruder film that the body in the limo in Dallas was not the same body taken into Parkland Hospital, but was actually a homeless man named Steve or "Buddy" who accidently swept up into the motorcade as it sped to Parkland.

"Jackie Kennedy knew of her husband's identify from the start," Cooper has learned somewhere, "and she was fine with the fact that Marilyn Monroe was The Doctor's companion during the 1950s and early '60s."

The Doctor and Marilyn averted nuclear war during the Cuban Missile Crisis, returned Camelot to Earth, put the world on track to go to the moon and do the other things, inspired 50-mile hikes, judged a book by its cover, and gave voice to the accented people of Boston.

"I am going to petition Arlington National Cemetery to exhume the homeless man's body," Cooper said, "and to leave Jackie's body alone there, maybe out in the open, for the crows."

BBC Television executives were either unavailable, astounded beyond words, or too lazy to comment.

Source

• BBC News

Paradise

The saying "Next Halloween in Jerusalem" has began appearing on billboards, graffiti, and on internet pop-up ads to such an extent that anyone who's anyone is planning to go.

United Nations EARTH - An alien visitor has finally landed on Earth. The United Nations Plaza was the site

Gravity proven to be time, and vica versa

London, England - The Theory of Everything (TAO) was finally solved today when it was announced that gravity is time, and vica versa. "As simple as an infinately flat rock," said Sir Aleister of Hempstead on Thames, "the search for the elusive gravitron can now end, for there is no such animal. A unified field either contains no time, no gravity, and no space, or all time, all gravity, and all space. In both instances, gravity and time are melded together like a baby and/or fly with two heads."

During a press conference at the London Institute of Artistic Research (LIAR), Sir Aleister, feet up on a desk and chugging from a bottle of aged Scotch, blew out smoke from his last toke and preceded to shatter all previous theories of everything into shards of misshapen graphene.

strings, bosons, or quarks.

UnNews: The Guy Who Invented Belts Reincarnated as Hacker

Phoenix, Arizona -

A history lesson wikipedia

Have you heard of James Bevel? Can you summarize his career? If you answered "no" or "wasn't he an advisor to Dr. King?", then a cone of silence has engulfed you and you are now about to be amazed. This initial post is about James Bevel's deeds in the 1960s, and not about his 2008 imprisonment and death.

First, James Bevel can be uttered in the same breath as James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., George Washington, James Bevel. There, you can see it at the end there, last but not least.

James Bevel, called the Father of Voting Rights and the strategist and architect of the 1960s Civil Rights Movement, seems to have initiated, organized, and usually ran the main events of the Civil Rights Movement from 1962 to 1967. That includes this list from

Bevel was the top student initiating and organizing the student movement from 1960 to 1962 when Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - who was not a strategist of movements nor capable of teaching people how to do them, and never claimed to be either - asked James Bevel to meet with him. In that meeting they made an agreement that they'd work together, although neither would have veto power over the other, each would continue to do what they'd been doing, and that they'd work on each movement without compromising until the goal of the particular movement was obtained. Bevel thus became Director of Direct Action and Director of Nonviolent Education of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC), the two main operational positions within the group.

Moses delivering the Ten Tagging Commandments.

1. Thou shalt be helpful to authors!

If a page has any potential, be nice to the author. Perhaps you can suggest an improvement, perhaps you can add something explaining that this giant pink tag isn't personal. Just remember that we are hoping to motivate people, not subject them to public humiliation. For this purpose, we recommend using {{ICU}} with a comment instead of {{NRV}} for most NRV-able pages.

2. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag an article that is still being written!

It sickens me to see articles where there is a long line of edits close in time with one another, all by the original author except for one edit by someone adding NRV. When I first came here I wrote articles in many edits; had I been interrupted in that by an NRV tag I would have been furious. In practical terms, new articles should not be tagged until they have gone unedited for at least one hour.

3. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag an article that is marked as being under construction!

If a page is marked with a {{Construction}} or {{WIP}} tag, hands off! If the text of the article says that it is under construction, delete that text and add one of these tags. NRV and the maintenance tags are meant to make sure that an unfinished article gets finished. Authors who list their pages as under construction already know they have work to do and they already have the seven day time limit.

4. Thou shalt not ICU or NRV any page that is more than a week old!

(unless you are an admin AND have a good reason) It is long standing policy that NRV is only to be used as a filter for the inflow of new crap. Older stuff should be given a tag with a longer expiration period. If the page needs work but has hope, use {{fix}} on old pages instead of NRV. If you really want it gone, use VFD.

5. Thou shalt attempt to save those Condemned to Eternal Suffering!

Whenever you patrol for pages to ICU, NRV or maintenance tag, please devote a bit of time to foraging through one of these categories to find a page worth saving, then spend some time making that article better. If you actually do this, it will help you learn to use the tags in a way that is more useful for people trying to improve the site's quality.

6. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag a page without reading it!

Yes, the page may look like crap, but maybe the text is actually funny when you read it. If an article is really long and bad, you don't have to sit there reading it for 20 minutes, but still read the first two paragraphs.

7. Thou shalt not tag a page as Ugly because you were too lazy to read it!

This is the converse of the last rule. Sometimes it may look like an article would be fine if it were formatted correctly, but then when you try to do so, you realize that the text is utter crap too. These sorts of pages aren't worth trying to save by formatting alone. If the text of an article is beyond saving, NRV, VFD or Fix tag it.

8. Thou shalt not tag a page if you could fix up the page yourself in under five minutes!

If you see the problem and could correct it easily yourself, then don't pass it along to someone else. Give it your best shot, and then if you can't fix the problem, you are allowed to tag it.

9. Thou shalt use Vanity templates for dealing with vanity!

If your mum hasn't heard of the page's subject, it doesn't have a wikipedia article, or the page just doesn't pass the sniff test, follow one of our vanity tag procedures, rather than NRVing it. {{vanity2}} works like NRV, {{vanity3}} works like VFD, and {{vanity}} is for permissible vanity.

10. Thou shalt ignore the fact that this last commandment exists only to bring the number of commandments up to 10!

Just because the Admins are too lazy to produce 10 commandments does not mean you may mock them for it! If you do not value your life highly, you could put a {{fix}} tag on this page to make the point...