User:AldirTheKnight/The MALIK
| MALIK In stores now! 
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AHA! You wanted it! You've been waiting for it! We have just released the new MALIK unit! *thunderous applause*
The MALIK[edit | edit source]
Congratulations! You have just purchased the ultimate in fan merchandise ever created! The MALIK! The following is an informative and easy-to-use guide to get the most out of your new unit!
Unpacking[edit | edit source]
Your MALIK should arrive in mint condition. If not, then Kaxen has obviously been getting ideas. As this unit is an Assassin, the box is very secure. Removing him is difficult, so here are a few strategies; 1. Find a handy ALTAIR unit in Arrogant mode. The enraged MALIK will tear from the box and probably pop ALTAIR one. Be ready with some ice. 2. Find an ALTAIR in The Hero mode. Sic a MASAYAF ASSASSIN PLAYSET on him. If the fight is in the general vicinity, MALIK will race out and knife the lot of them. However, this is a messy and expensive method of removal. It is not advised. 3. Find a ROBERT DE SABLE. The Frenchman will taunt the MALIK, and he will escape in a manner similar to the ALTAIR 4. And finally, a KADAR unit will easily remove a MALIK. As an added bonus, your new MALIK will be completely mellow in the presence of his brother, especially without an ALTAIR around.
Once MALIK is out, check for these accessories;
1 Assassin robe of awesomeness (only on some models) 1 bureau leader's coat (left sleeve pinned for obvious reasons) 1 longsword ? throwing knives (no one has accurately counted them)
The First Week[edit | edit source]
Once MALIK has been unpacked, your unit may be having regular emo fits, and constantly saying 'Kadar'. He is simply angsting over his brother's death. Don't worry, he'll stop eventually. If he is NOT angsting, he is either stuck in SUPER MALIK mode (more on modes later), or the v0.9 Both-Arms MALIK. If the latter, he probably just wants to have a chat with a KADAR, or perhaps knock out an ALTAIR.
Modes[edit | edit source]
Your unit should become adjusted to his new home about now. This is not to be confused with 'Versions' mentioned later. The following is a list of "Modes" your MALIK may display:
Incredibly Annoyed: This is the very first mode a MALIK may experience, and it is exclusive to the 0.9 Both-Arms MALIK. MALIK will be easily annoyed, and will be protective of any KADAR units it sees. Has been known to play childish pranks on ALTAIR units.
Relentless Emo: MALIK's favourite mode. Characterized by angsting, crying in the corner, relentless hate of ALTAIR units and having only one arm. MALIKs, no matter what version, will be forced into this mode after meeting a ROBERT DE SABLE and his TEMPLAR PLAYSET. If you begin to tire of this mode, then there is a way to advance him. It may sound counter-intuitive, but he has to spend more time with ALTAIR. If this method is successful, then the duel progression will catapult both the ALTAIR and the MALIK forward in their emotional journeys.
The Warrior: MALIK's final canon form, achieved after a long relationship with an ALTAIR, or after the MALIK finds the ROBERT DE SABLE journal accessory. He has evolved like ALTAIR, to finally stop blaming ALTAIR and himself for KADAR's death, and begin to work for the greater good. This mode is characterized by an improved outlook, desire to fight, excellent relations with ALTAIR units, hatred of AL MUALIM units, and overall increase in awesomeness.
Fangirl's Slave (LOCKED): Quite similar to ALTAIR's mode of the same name, except for a curious discovery. The 0.9 Both-Arms MALIK is completely free of this mode. Rabid yaoi fangirls suggest this is because of a Malik/Kadar relationship, but I have kindly told them to go f-
Bright and Bubbly (LOCKED): For some reason, MALIK shares this mode with ALTAIR too. In this mode, MALIK will completely turn around from his usual emo self and be annoyingly happy. Known to be knocked out by passing ALTAIR units.
Robert De Sable (LOCKED): We have no idea why, but MALIK will sometimes get it into his head to shave his head and dress like his nemesis. You may either ship him back to us, or simply pretend that it's a more expensive ROBERT DE SABLE unit.
SUPER MALIK ROFL! (LOCKED): This mode is MALIK's true power. In this mode, he runs on rage and awesome. He will be friend with ALTAR units no matter how they act, and will steamroll over any rival units. This is a MALIK dream. First discovered by Kaxen, when she saw her MALIK fly around her house, proclaiming, 'You all suck compared to me!'
Special note[edit | edit source]
Like all of our units (minus the DESMOND), this unit is programmed for 1191 AD technology.
Care[edit | edit source]
Your unit will care for his own needs, meeting up with local ALTAIR units once a week to help mix up some Assassin Bleach. Much like all of our units, the MALIK can go for long periods without food or sleep. However, when he does get tired, a carpet with six pillows is fine. Better yet, get the MALIK to order ALTAIR over there. Ordering an ALTAIR around always perks a MALIK up. For food, the MALIK enjoys traditional Middle Eastern dishes. But please, no food that needs a knife and fork. That's just mean, the guy only has one arm.
Alcohol is a volatile subject concerning MALIK units. If the unit in question is Pissed Off, then please, God no. If the unit is still Relentless Emo, then yes. Alcohol will help him with the pain. However, we take no responsibility for Alcoholics Anonymous meetings that your MALIK will have to attend.
Uses[edit | edit source]
Like all our units, the MALIK has multiple uses around the house. But there are uses that are just not cool;
1. Do NOT dress MALIK like a hobo and send him out to collect change. He may have one arm, but he has dignity. Believe me, people have done it. 2. No illegal usage. MALIK looks enough like a Mafia hitman anyway. 3. No 'pimping'. no matter how many crazy fangirls want MALIK to 'grow a second arm', MALIK has not yet found a proper girl. Until he does, leave him be!
Versions: Your MALIK is prepackaged with multiple versions for instant usage in special cases.
The Drama Queen: Need help with your school play? Is the play a tragedy? Then send in your MALIK on opening night, and watch as he emo-fies every cast member with his angsting.
The Super Chef: Apparently, this one-armed legend won't let his limb loss stop him. The MALIK is a fantastic chef, capable of mixing up incredible Arabian dishes in an instant. And, of course, a dessert of Assassin Cake.
The Informant: Need help? Want to find some odd jobs? Think your pet has run off? Consult your MALIK, and he'll instantly point you in the right direction!
Interaction with other units[edit | edit source]
Although MALIK is the most popular unit in stock, there are others that may interest you. Here is a list of others and how they react to your MALIK.
ALTAIR/MALIK: ALTAIR and MALIK have a rocky relationship, including and perhaps especially v0.9 Both-Arms MALIK. However, if their relationship is less than satisfactory, give it time. Soon, MALIK will warm up to ALTAIR, and in time they'll be bestest buddies.
MALIK/KADAR: MALIK is very protective of KADAR, and as a bonus, is very mellow and happy with a KADAR around. On the downside, MALIK will go into a long emo-fit if the KADAR in question is harmed.
MALIK/AL MUALIM: Relationship is minimal. They only say about two words to each other in the entire game, for crying out loud! However, their relationship is slightly similar to the ALTAIR/AL MUALIM relationship, what with AL MUALIM giving the MALIK missions.
MALIK/ROBERT DE SABLE: They will fight if they see each other. And unfortunately, MALIK will always lose and run away. This will also revert him to his Emo stage, especially if a KADAR tried to help. And of course, he will lose his left arm if he had one at the time, leaving owners of the 0.9 Both-Arms MALIK a little sore. Best steer clear, unless MALIK gets some fighting lessons from ALTAIR.
MALIK/MARIA: Oddly enough, these two units have tried to hook up whenever we have placed them together. Apparently MARIA sympathizes with the our emo lad. We have no idea why. The MARIA seems to have a love for the male characters fixed in her programming. Try to be careful with the couple, or you may find your MALIK back in Relentless Emo mode.
Troubleshooting/Q&A[edit | edit source]
Hey, my MALIK is with an ALTAIR. In BED.
... You people sicken me. Stuff this, I'm leaving. See you when the AL MUALIM comes out! *leaves*