Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/hippos
hippos[edit source]
Doing my bit as I've also submitted for a Pee Review.
All in all I think it's a very good article.
Taking the first section bit by bit and pulling it apart like a B'stard:
"Hippos are big and fat. " Well yes, stating the obvious, but could be funnier I think by saying "Contrary to common belief, Hippo's are in fact big and fat" or something like that (set conception...then surprise).
"They live in the water and lie around all the time. ", perhaps add something like "basically they're shit", or do the obvious thing and compare them to an unsuccessful national sports team, or so something like: "They live in the water and lie around all the time, like a mermaid with spinal injuries"
"They don't really do anything except eat and sleep. " again....see above, oh and isn't the Silentnight bed (or matress) company that uses a hippo and a duck in their adverts? missed a trick there.
"Hippos are incredilby dangerous. " - check spelling of incredibly, but also that's a fact! make it funny..."Hippos are incredibly dangerous, and most of them carry knives and you can tell by the look in their eyes that they just want to cut you".
"If you go near them, they probably won't do anything. " - and? good set-up, follow through.
"People dieing from hippo attacks is the #683 cause of deaths. " - you could compare with other causes of deaths like "statistically you're more likely to be killed by ...." (something bizarre).
"That means 1 out of 500 people get killed by hippos." - "or at least very, very fat women who look like Hippos"...I dunno, almost every sentence here is a perfect set-up for a joke but the jokes not there! follow through dude!
"Hippos are closely realted to cows, and are often called cows of the pond, or whatever type of body of water they live in. " - [spelling related] - it's a spoof joke item, can't you make them closely related to something less likely? like John Prescott, Thora Hyrd or my favourite Vanessa Feltz?
"They are not as cool as manatees though, the cows of the sea. That is why there are no big hippo exhibits at Seaworld. " - arrr I get the Cows now and that's a good sentence, that's more like it!....the Manatee vs Hippo thing though could be further developed in the age old "if a manatee and a hippo had a fight" style.
Captainpops 23:11, 14 October 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 2 | There is some real scope here for humour if you stick with the idea that hippos are useless, but this idea never really develops in the article, which serves as a collection of random (and only infrequently amusing) observations. You hae obviously worked hard on getting the formatting etc together, but to make this work as comedy, you need to create a consistent view of hippos being lazy and a drain on society - consider an article of poor-white trailer trash, with hippos, and see what ideas that throws into your head. If hippos are a dangerous to society, what effect do they have on us all? Do they serve any useful purpose, and how might we encounter them? |
| Concept: | 5 | Hippos really deserve a good Uncyclopedia article, but whilst yours is an improvement on the listy Hippopotamus, it doesn't really provide a consistent, humo[u]rus angle on them. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | There are a few spelling mistakes in the article, but they are easily fixed. |
| Images: | 3 | You have 2 images, one of which is stock and not funny and the 2nd poorly drawn and not funny. Work on the article then find/adapt good images. A great comment on an image can work wonders. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4 | Nothing remarkable here - you just need a really good article. Congrats on writing something that at least looks like a starting point. |
| Final Score: | 19 | For a first article, you have made a reasonable effort. Keep writing and learning from the greats on here. |
| Reviewer: | Asahatter (annoy) 23:52, 16 October 2008 (UTC) | |