Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Willy Wonka

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Willy Wonka

Ilovecheeseandsausage 23:19, November 17, 2011 (UTC)

I'll take it. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   03:47, November 19, 2011 (UTC)

Sorry, will be done by tomorrow. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   01:11, November 22, 2011 (UTC)

Alright, I hate to do this, but I'm incredibly overwhelmed with work right now. If you're willing to wait another 48 hours, I promise to get it done within that time frame. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   03:44, November 23, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	3.5	Ok, so the first thing I have to say is your quotes. Typically, I'm not a fan of them and most people here aren't either. I would only suggest keeping quotes if they are top notch and extremely funny. Thus, I suggest you delete all of yours except maybe the last one...not too sure about that one. It's funny, but I don't know if should still be there. I'll let you decide. Ok, so your article seems to have mainly general issues. For one, It feels unfinished, simply put. Reads more like a first draft and definitely looks like it needs more time and effort put into it. The Second issue, which I feel is the most important, is your lack of good prose. You have very cut up sentences that don't flow together and are very bland, un-detailed and very...uhhhhh, how can I describe it...it's pretty much a collection of simple sentences, without any flow into each other. Sort of like the "See Spot Run" book or whatever the hell that thing was. I would suggest you work on expanding sections and sentences and put a little more flow into the work. For example, right now you have "Willy Wonka was born at the New York City hospital, which evidently was the only ordinary thing about him. Willy Wonka's father Dr. Wilbur Wonka was a dentist as well as a widower (that is currently believed to have murdered his own wife), that forced Willy Wonka not to have candy simply because he did not want him to have cavities. He beat him every night to sleep and fed him nothing but fluoride toothpaste." How about, "Willy Wonka was born at the New York City hospital, which evidently was the only ordinary thing about him. His mother died when Willy was young in suspicious circumstances related to his father, Dr. Wilbur Wonka, a dentist and part-time suspected criminal. Dr. Wonka was a ruthless father who refused to let his son have sweets simply so he wouldn't get cavities (even Willy's birthday cakes were made of tofu base and spinach frosting). His father would beat him every night to sleep and fed him nothing but fluoride toothpaste, an experience that would scar Willy for his entire life by forcing him to maintain good dental hygiene despite the fact he would later own a candy factory and only eat sweets." It's not my best work, but you get the idea. My third suggestion is that you should remember to keep the article on point and not make it too random. Read HTBFANJS for further information. The reason I say this is because It felt like your article just went of course towards the end, talking about space and the presidency and all. If you write your article a little better and work on the flow so that the ending is more relevant, sure, but as it is now, it looks a little too random and I would suggest deleting the ending, or at least re-write it so it's not too random.
Concept:	5	It's not the most unique concept I have seen out there and frankly, I'm a little surprised no one has written an article on Mr. Wonka yet. However, I mainly tied in your concept score with your humour and execution score, so if you fix up the article's humour and prose, this score will go up too.
Prose and formatting:	3.5	One thing that really disappointed me was both prose and formatting. For one, I saw a lot of grammatical errors and mis-use of tenses. I'd re-read the article once you get it finished and work those little kinks out, or maybe ask for some help from the grammar guys. Another thing is your formatting of the sentences. Right now, I feel like you have basic sentences that don't flow together, something like, "See dog. Dog runs. Dog play fetch. I pet dog. Dog happy. etc. etc." You get the idea. For example, your Early Years section is just statements churned out about Willy Wonka this and Willy Wonka that. Heck, 3 of the 4 sentences start with Willy Wonka. Work out the flow a bit so that the article doesn't read like a telegraph letter or something and so the paragraphs flow into each other and makes the article more enjoyable to read.
Images:	5.5	So let's see, you have three pictures. O.K. amount for right now since your article is fairly short. I don't really have a problem with your pictures, it's the captions that kind of get me. I don't quite understand the first one, since I've seen plenty of 50-year-olds with canes and such, but maybe that's just because they're pimps or something, dunno. Second picture is ok, third picture, not too sure about. It seems more insulting rather than funny to say they are idiots. The best thing I can suggest is to come up with a caption that's not so insulting and more ironic than mean. Sorry, nothing coming to my head about a substitute option or anything. For right now, you have an ok number of pictures. If you expand the article, make sure to put in some more pictures though, which of course I'm sure you know already. I'll leave you with that, I don't think you need any ideas for other pictures from me, you seem to have a good hand at picking pictures. Just work on the captions and you're set.
Miscellaneous:	6	Have an extra 2 point bonus so I don't completely discourage you from this.
Final Score:	23.5	So that's about it, don't worry too much about the numbers. Those are just there really, it's the colors that are important. Right now, you're in yellow territory, which either means your article needs a lot more work, or your terrorist threat level has been downgraded. I dunno, I never bothered to read the manual for this thing... Anyways, any questions or comments can be put on my talkpage and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Cheers!
Reviewer:	--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   05:36, November 28, 2011 (UTC)