Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/What was that noise?
What was that noise?[edit source]
This is a little fixer upper I made in about an hour. It's pretty short, which I admit is a problem. Tell me any ideas you have to make it longer ...and whether it made you giggle. -- • <-> 14:01, 17 October 2007 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5 | To be honest, after the initial set-up, I was expecting to enjoy this more than I did. Instead, it was kinda 'meh'. Have a look at the usual comments below. |
| Concept: | 6.5 | Well, these near monologue style articles do seem to be your thing, and I liked the idea of this one, I think it woud benefit from some pacing and flow though. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | Big block 'o' text in the middle, short (as you rightly say) and low on links. Nothing that can't be fixed by a nice bit of expansion. Also doesn't quite feel right as an article - perhaps make it an UnBook or UnScript? |
| Images: | 6 | Mmm, that second one fits well with what's beside it, the first needs a caption at least. Not too bad, although maybe there are more relevant ones out there? |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | For three sixes in a row. Yes, that's right, I just don't care! |
| Final Score: | 29.5 | Possibly I'm being a trifle harsh here Cajek, but that's because I've seen what you're capable of, and this doesn't match it. See the comments below. |
| Reviewer: | --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 11:35, 3 November 2007 (UTC) | |
Here we go:
You're right, it needs expansion. However, it also needs pacing, and a touch more subtlety. My feeling is that the narrator shouldn't be so quick to anger here. Start with her gently asking Larry to check things out, and apologising for disturbing his sleep, then progress through the gears as you continue. Your articles tend to jump quickly into flipped out mode - Red light probably went through the gears best, and it still started off with a bit of a jump - and sometimes a gentle build-up can help.
Start with asking nicely, move on to asking politely but kinda worried now, then up to attempted bribery through fear, then build up the anger as all please fall on deaf ears. Little bits of observation work well here - start with a fond name for Larry, progress to his full name as she gets angry, then jump to insults at the end, that kind of thing.
The descriptions of the noise are interesting, but she builds them up herself without prompting - so again, have them get more ludicrous and scary as you progress, bringing everything up to the same crescendo.
And, if you do build up to a crescendo, you'll need some kind of a payoff - plenty to choose from here: she goes to check in the end and doesn't come back (and he's glad of the peace?); she goes to check, there's a tremendous noise, he sits bolt upright, afraid to move, paralysed with fear, she comes back in and says there was nothing there and settles down to sleep, leaving him wide awake and panicky; he goes to check, finds nothing, comes back and she's switched sides on the bed so he can lie in the wet patch; [[1]]; whatever.
I honestly think in this case a more careful build-up will serve the concept better. Give me a shout if you'd like any further suggestions. Hope this helps, this is only my opinion, blah blah you've seen the rest before, and good luck! --Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 11:35, 3 November 2007 (UTC)