Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Zheliel/Why?:Become a butcher
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Why?:Become a Butcher[edit source]
Fail'd at PLS. 13:26 October 26
| Humour: | 7 | I find this to be average. It's not bad, and certainly obeys all the rules of HTBFNJS (or whatever they call it), however there are not that many genuinely funny parts, because, mainly, the elaborations were not clever enough. I don't know if you're trying to do some kind of reverse thing (being real coherent I am, but I meant, satirizing an advertisement that's trying too hard to be funny), but even if you are, jokes fall a bit flat. It's not bad but probably not VFH. For improvement first of all I recommend scrutinizing every line and explain to yourself why it needs to be there, and ask yourself if there's any way to make it funnier. If you want some real advice (from an unqualified person btw>.<), the jokes seem to be too...I can't find the word...err..obvious...expected...ungrounded...ahh?? Like the reasons provided for being a butcher is no bills, your job sucks etc. but these are natural human conditions, and its not like a butcher doesn't have to comply with workplace restrictions or pay bills or enjoys killing or makes lots of money, so what I'm trying to say is, the reasons you provided are not specific or fitting to your condition, or are not well thought through. Why is that reason funny? Who/What are you actually making fun of? Butchers? Dodgy Ads? Also there are not much instances of cleverness or wittiness, most of it is just written in a tone that could possibly be funny. There are many properties to humour and you cant quantify it, but some basic principles like "that was unexpected" or "it's funny because it's true" or "that's a clever way to put it (usually an analogy)" can be helpful. |
| Concept: | 6.5 | Why butcher? However, many articles have average concepts but are still funny. What I recommend is, instead of putting your punchline "this is a crazy ad" all the way at the end, insert some hints into various regions of your article. Also make jokes within reason, such as instead of saying "$4396 is not expensive at all" maybe you can say, "call now and receive this offer, pay 59.99 with no deposits, no interests, for up to 24 months, limitless job freedom and security are just one call away" etc, you could probably do better than me. Maybe you could satirize the style of an infomercial, like insert consumer's testimonies or research data. |
| Prose and formatting: | 8.5 | I don't see any problem, but then again I read fast and I'm the worst proofreader. To nitpick, I think you could do something about your tone, it's not very consistent, sometimes you sound like an infomercial, sometimes you sound like a slightly enthusiastic uncyclopedian. Also, are you sure hyphens are supposed to be used that way? It might be correct but too many of them is annoying. |
| Images: | 7.5 | That gif is funny. You could do better though, because the main body of the article lacks corresponding images. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | This is an overall score that I gave without any calculating. It is average, in response to your comment on the first page you should read the PLS winners and VFH articles and think very hard about why this article is not amongst them (you wrote for the wrong section lol). This article needs more funny ideas. I cant think of any, I hope I'm not expected to come up with some. *crosses fingers* Because of the PLS template I might have judged you according to higher standards. |
| Final Score: | 36.5 | Am I too harsh? Too unqualified? Too noob? Somebody has to be my first victim. Hehheh. |
| Reviewer: | --Hiatus Hernia 19:02, October 26, 2009 (UTC) | |