Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Staircase/Running a Red Light
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User:Staircase/Running a Red Light[edit source]
Well, I'm an image short, but I decided to throw this up for review anyway. After all, this might be the start to my big comeback (I know you'll ask yourself "Wait, you left?"). Staircase CUNt 04:01, December 3, 2009 (UTC)
- You left?? Well, in that case it is good to see you back. I'll get this one for you. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 14:19, December 3, 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7 | OK, your humour isn't too bad the jokes that there are are well constructed and amusing enough. However, there are some problems that I would encourage you to work at. The first of these is that while your jokes are good none really have much of an impact, your article doesn't really build up to anything and I think that it would be in your best interest to improve this. I don't mean write like you would if you were telling a story but rather introduce a much more overt running joke. Since at the moment your only running joke is essentially that this sport kills people and is pretty stupid. My recommendation is that you go back through your article and try and introduce a running joke as currently the article is vaguely amusing but never raises itself above that point. The second thing I noticed was that you give differing degrees of focus to differing parts of the article, the development takes up a very large amount of the article and the actual activity seems to take up much less. I found this differing emphasis quite disappointing as I really enjoyed the part with the rules. My recommendation is that you make some cuts of some of the more superfluous information from the early parts if the article, mainly so these parts do not outstay their welcome, if you read back some of the early parts they do tend to drag on a bit. The jokes aren't ruined by this but some of the points are belaboured by it. Once you have done that I think you would be best served trying to expand the Professional Red Light Running League section or by trying to add another section that focuses on people "playing" the sport.
Beyond the above I would suggest trying to increase the number of throwaway jokes in the article as, in places, it can feel like quite an effort to get through the prose from one joke to another. Try to take another look at your text, and attempt to identify aspects of it you could make jokes about, or, decide on a particular way to do it. Consider things like having the article continually, but obviously, ignore a certain aspect of the sport. For example you could always refer to being killed with a euphemism like "Sitting out" you could obviously link these to the relevant articles, but if you used a differing euphemism each time you could make a joke that way. I'm not saying you have to do that, but something similar would aid readers getting through some of the longer parts of your article. |
| Concept: | 8 | Your concept is good but there are some issues with your tone that I would recommend you take a look at. I think your use of the encyclopaedic tone is good and mostly consistent, but the tone is so serious at times that your jokes sometimes get lost in the prose. My recommendation is to try to present the characters in a certain way, there is no harm in describing certain aspects of the article in a more light-hearted fashion. Try techniques like being obvious or the opposite just try to make the tone a bit more accommodating. The score for this section should indicate that this is a very minor issue and if I were you I wouldn't worry about it too much. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | Right, your prose isn't bad, your spelling and grammar is of a reasonably high standard though I would recommend that you proofread it carefully to make sure you catch any lingering errors as I recall noticing a couple of very minor errors which it would be in your best interest to catch. Your formatting is OK, but as you seem to be aware you need another image in here as the article is not very enjoyable to look at, especially in the middle, at this point. You may also wish to consider making some of the existing images bigger, however it would be best to wait until you have put the extra one in before you make any further progress here. |
| Images: | 9 | Your images are good at the moment and you only lose the mark because of the formatting issues mentioned above. It is, however worth mentioning that you should make sure you are completely satisfied with your captions and make sure you choose your new one carefully as I cannot overstate their importance. Otherwise I can't really make much more comment here. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 37 | You have an enjoyable article here, all you need to do now is deal with the minor issues that are causing you difficulties. I personally enjoyed the article, it was somewhat sparse on the humour front in some places but otherwise amusing and enjoyable, some cosmetic changes are all that is needed now to make this a very solid article indeed. If you have any questions or comments please leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeDS 22:14, December 3, 2009 (UTC) | |