Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Skinfan13/Virginia
User:Skinfan13/Virginia[edit source]
OK, so this is my re-write of the article for Virginia (that link is the current version). Let me know if my version is better and what I can do to improve it. In-depth please -- 02:11 EST 14 Feb, 2010
- I'm in here now, expect it tonight or tomorrow. --ChiefjusticeDS 13:20, February 15, 2010 (UTC)
- Thanks chief -- 08:28 EST 15 Feb, 2010
| Humour: | 7 | Right, the article is by no means bad and I thought that you made some superb jokes in there, unfortunately the article seems to either be excellent or in need of a second look, I'll do my best to highlight some of the problems for you here. The very first thing I noticed was that you do sometimes succumb to the temptation to start doing what is usually done in articles about locations, that is to start going on about what a horrible place it is. If you look up the majority of articles on this sort of subject you will notice that the majority of them are along these lines. Now I'm not suggesting that you go back to your article and remove anything that doesn't suggest that Virginia is some kind of paradise, as I am aware that it is not, what I would recommend you consider is trying for a more original way to make your point. Permit me to expand, my suggestion is that in order to avoid having more regular users get bored of your article work on new ways to present the idea that it is not a very nice place. The encyclopaedic style of presenting humour can help you out here, you can employ it by mentioning features of the state and then leaving the reader to make up their mind, this on its own can prove to be a good way of encouraging further reading, for example instead of saying "Virginia Beach is the most populous city but doesn't have much in the way of good places to eat. The beach is kind of nasty too" you can try saying something like "Virginia Beach is the most populous city and as such boasts shops, crime and excessive advertising" now while what I have written there may not bring the house down I hope it gets the relevant point across. My feeling was that you understood that originality was a problem with this one as you do a similar thing to the above frequently, my recommendation here is that you try to continue doing such things, but keep looking for new ways to present your humour, remember that the entire article doesn't need to be one long explanation of why it is a horrible place, but can also present humorous looks at the state's history. The other thing I would suggest that you try is something which is rarely seen in article's about places, a running joke. A running joke would work well with this concept and you have already moved towards it, my recommendation is that you read through carefully and look for the jokes you have that recur, the one about Virginia's greatest export being the adult industry for example, and try to come up with a way to link them all together. There is no real necessity for such a move my feeling is that there is a fair amount of humour to be gained from the correct execution of such a device.
The jokes I found that you did well were when you say things like "Modern colleges in Virginia include Virginia Tech and the Virginia Military Institute among others. VMI was founded in 1839 as the first publicly funded military college in the country. To this day they still produce some of the gayest straight men the nation has ever seen." this is good because you draw in an aspect of the state and make a humorous observation about it, you should endeavour to create more jokes in a similar vein in other places. One thing that struck me as I read through the "History" section was that you tend to be quite scatter-gun in structuring it, I realise history can be random but I would encourage you to deal with one thing at a time, if you are talking about the development of slavery in Virginia try to talk about that until you fully develop it, if I can draw your attention to the section headed "The Royal Colony of Virginia (1619-1775)" you will notice that you are talking about one aspect of the history for a while and then you move on to talk about something else that is completely different, then go back to what you were talking about originally. This makes it very difficult for a reader to appreciate a joke that builds on what has already been said. You don't need to cut anything out to remedy this but simply rearrange things so that explanation on one topic is completed before another begins, no matter how small, this helps readability more than anything else. My only other suggestion would be with regard to choosing your jokes carefully, you will recall that I raised a similar issue in the last article of yours I reviewed, the same problem happens a bit here, remember that just because a joke can be put in, it doesn't have to be, the mark of a good writer is to know when to make a joke. I'm not going to signpost the jokes that I think are causing this problem as I want you to see what you think, this is after all your article, use your judgement to determine whether you think there is a problem in this regard, if there is then make cuts, if you feel that there aren't any issues then don't take any action, it is totally up to you. |
| Concept: | 6 | Not much to say about your concept in itself, as it is one of the common ones, but such repetition is unavoidable in this case. The problem here is your tone, you generally use the third person tone, but at times you are verging off into the informal third person. The best thing to do in such cases is to take a look at an article like this one and also Wikipedia's article on Virginia, they should give you a general idea of how to do the tone, if you are running into problems with it then feel free to ask someone for help as getting the subtlety right can be quite challenging, happily, you seem to be doing a pretty good job of it at the moment where you are using it, just make sure the whole tone is pulled into line. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | Not too bad, I noticed some minor spelling and grammar errors as I read through which I recommend you have a second look at. I'm not going to bore you with my proofreading speech except to remind you of the importance of doing it. As far as formatting goes you have done pretty well though you may wish to spread the images around the middle of the article out a bit more as there is a fair amount of space to do so and there is a reasonable amount of text without an image next to it. You may also wish to consider breaking up the text a bit on a couple of occasions, again use your judgement to identify these sections, also feel free to ask other uncyclopedians what they think of the way the article looks. |
| Images: | 8 | Some very good image choices, the first couple in the main body of the article could be a little better, but they are doing absolutely fine as they are at the moment. You should also consider your captions; remember that they are just as important as the image itself and that you should not forget to alter them if you do decide to change the humour massively. My feeling on your captions at the moment is that they are generally pretty good, but in a couple of places they could be linked more closely to the article. Beyond that you have done pretty well here. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 35 | A good solid piece of work from you here, that stands out a mile from the majority of articles on states and places on Uncyclopedia. A couple of difficulties are preventing this from becoming something truly special and with a bit more work I feel confident that you can sort these issues out. Remember that there are other opinions available and you shouldn't be too concerned about asking people what they think about you article. If you have any questions or comments for me then feel free to leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeDS 12:06, February 16, 2010 (UTC) | |