Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:DeeJaay Batoushai/Shampoo (quick)
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User:DeeJaay Batoushai/Shampoo [edit source]
Proof read and Add bits. Suggest improvements.DeeJaay Batoushai (talk) 15:46, December 24, 2012 (UTC)
- Marked it as quick, so I'll get it as soon as I can. --
Murder Frog (Argue loudly) Ride the snake...to the lake... 19:02, 7 January 2013 (UTC)
| Humour: | 2.5 | The main problem I have with a lot of the humor is that it is pretty scatological and based around the idea that shampoo is and has been made largely out of poop since it was invented. You start out the article rather well, and I like some of the things you said to introduce the topic, but you sort of launched into the whole poop theme after that. I really suggest trying a different way of talking about shampoo rather than being this crude and scatological. While I did like a number of things in the article later on, such as the "Common Ingredients" section, you still seem to return to the theme you introduced in the first section, and a lot of things you add have to do with the "secret ingredients" of shampoo. While this is amusing, and I found it to be funny a number of times, adding too many random things like that can just weigh it down. Bottom line: look at HTBFANJS for ideas on improving your humor, especially when working on articles like this that concern real everyday items. You really need to work on making this less feces-oriented and less random to get it to be funny. |
| Concept: | 6 | Since it is an article about an everyday item, it could make it harder to put comedic twists on things without getting too crazy, but it is always better to stick closer to the truth for humor while not making it dull as dishwater. Again, look to HTBFANJS for good ideas on this topic. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5.5 | A number of small mistakes and grammar problems catch my eye, which should be addressed after you work on the humor stuff. If you'd like someone to proofread or tidy it up a bit, I'd be happy to, but again, work on the humor aspect of it first and get the basic ideas down before tackling that. |
| Images: | 5 | Three images, which is probably adequate, but I just didn't find them to be that funny. Calling the yellow blob shampoo was another one of those random things you should work on, and the cartoon image was, again, more weird and confusing than funny. I'd work on this as well. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4.8 | Scores averaged. |
| Final Score: | 23.8 | This will need some work, especially with humor and prose later on. But I think it could be a very good article with some work. If you ever need any suggestions or help with proof reading stuff, then feel free to ask me or another more experienced writer, since I really haven't been here too long. Still, I'd be happy to help! Thanks for joining Uncyclopedia, DeeJaay, and congratulations on starting your first articles! |
| Reviewer: | -- Murder Frog (Argue loudly) Ride the snake...to the lake... 23:02, 7 January 2013 (UTC)
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