Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:Unromantic Comedy

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Hi! Not sure if this is any good or just another pile of rubbish. Thanks in advance, Nameable ((talk?)) 20:47, 29 May 2009 (UTC)

UnScripts:Unromantic Comedy

Nameable ((talk?)) 20:47, 29 May 2009 (UTC)

This article is under review by none other than..... Stairs. Let down your hopes, eh?

Humour:	8.5	We'll break it down into section by section review. Scene 1: You start us right off the bat at a nursery. You do a good job with the very first line, having jane mutter thanks god. This drew a luagh out of me, and than the following lines did as well, with the child asking why should would thank god. Her response was god, followed with getting the paint brush out of the kid's mouth. Right. Let's move on. Now when Sam comes in, you do a good job, with an abrupt "wanna fuck?". This section was good, entertaining and generally interesting to read. However, my one complaint is when the fat friend walks up and asks if she likes the guy. This part was sort of random, and in my opinion, unecessary. My recommendation is probably the removal of those lines. Scene 2: This section was good as well. Same idea with the kid asking why thank god, etc. etc. I liked whe the man said he was a doctor, and this instantly attracted the lady. However, the next part kind of confused me. He asked her to dinner, she said she couldn't, so he says I'll pick you up at eight? I know you're trying to be funny with that, but that was more of "what?" as opposed to a "haha good one!". If you could actually have her say yes, that would be swell. Once again, the thing with the friend down at the bottom was kind of repulsive. So, I thnk you sould just delete it. Other than that, good job. Scene 3:This scene was excellent. Right off the bat, you start us at a chinese restaurant, which is exactly what Jane specified not to go to. That was quite funny, as well as Sam's reasoning and opposing arguement. (it was the cheapest, it's better than KFC). Then, you move right into something good, like how he lied about being a doctor to try and get her to sleep with him. Thumbs up. But, once again, the fat friend ruined the scene. Scene 4: This section, I don't have any real complaints. All of it was quite funny, especially the part about Simon Cowell. Also, the part with him reading it off his hand was a nice little touch. So, good job with this section, and without the friend uit seems a lot better and less random. Section 5: See section seven. Section 6: This section was good as well. A very good concept, with the man having Sam pretend he was the child's dad. Very clever, and I definitely didn't see it coming. Then, the part with Sam coming back again is a good idea that leads to your ending. However, Like I've said in all of the other sections, get rid of the fat friend, She is unecessary and unfunny. Other than that, good job! Section 7: Since section 5 and section are pretty much the same thing, I'll cram them both into one. You had a very good idea, as well as good execution. It was funny how he had the bet, and it was even better when he did it the second time. There were no real complaints with these two, except maybe you should add a bit more content. Both were kind of short, but it's not very important that you add content. You can if you want, but you don't need to. So, overall, excellent job. Very funny, very few things for me to point out.
Concept:	8	You had a very good idea here. THe title is fantastic. And you fdid a good job of executing that idea. I have little complaints. The one big, as I tried to emphasize a lot in the huour section, is get rid of the fat friend. She was unfunny, unecessary, and overall she subtrated from the script's quality as opposed to adding to it. That said, however, let's go to the bright points. The idea behind it all, where they made a bet to see if the guy could sleep with ehr is excellent. Also, smaller concepts found within the story are good as well, especially the part where they go to the cinese restaurant despite the lady hating chinese. That was awesome. Also, having the kid be payed "sweeties" to pretend Sam was his dad was great as well. The best, though, would e the guy coming back for round 2. Excellence! Like I said before, I have very little to criticize concept-wise.
Prose and formatting:	9	I have no complaints. You did a good job with the labeling of who is talking. Also, you did a good job describing the actions people were doing before and after talking, and it was well organized with the Italics as opposed to standard font. Also, it was a nice touch how you did the actions within the actual quotes. The sections were decent length, except for five and seven, but they didn't really need it. I noticed one, maybe two (I can't seem to remember) spealing nitakes. However, I changed my mind, I do have one complaint. This is that you don't have enough links, there is two in the whole script. If you go through and add some more links, it will make it look better. Also, add THE END, or some sort of closing to the end.
Images:	6.5	The images were probably the worst part of the article. On the first one, you did an absolute excellent job on the image... except for the part with the uncyclopedia logo down at the bottom. Also, the red lines connecting it to the heart look totally MS painted and it ruins the image. If you delete that, or ake the red lines look as good as the rest of the image, you're in for a winner of an image there. Also, the second image I don't think deserves to be in the article. You mentioned KFC once, and it was n;t that important, so I don't think it deserves an image. You should replace that one with, mabe a chinese restaurant. Also, perhaps you should add another image towards the end, because it starts to get dull down there. If you do that, it'll be great.
Miscellaneous:	8	See Below.
Final Score:	40	As I always do, I'll give you the condensed version of my pee. Good job, and here is the list of things you have to do: Remove the fat friend - Competely unecessary, unfunny, and was too random. She kinda killed some of the funny parts of the story. Fix up the current images and get a new one - Doing this will make your article look better all around. SO, you got lucky, you only have two things you need to fix up, and both of them are really small. Great job with the article, and good luck! I'm done now! (mutters) Thank god
Reviewer:	Staircase CUNt 18:14, 30 May 2009 (UTC)