Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:The First Draft of "Song of Myself"
UnPoetia:The First Draft of "Song of Myself"[edit source]
Guildensternenstein 06:04, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
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PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS of giving you his opinion and pretending you care. |
| Humour: | 7.2 | Hey, Guildensternenstein! I see no one's bitten on this one yet. I'll take a stab at it.
Intro: Honestly, Guild, I'd completely rewrite this. Basically, it says "I wrote a feature that made fun of Thoreau, and I'm going to try to replicate my success by taking a poke at Whitman." And that's just not the right way to start the reader off. First, it makes us wonder if we're supposed to read the Thoreau article before starting, which, honestly, is just a lot of work to ask of a reader. Second, it makes it seem like you have motives for writing the article other than to be funny (like, say, to move up on the UN:HS ladder). And third, it breaks the fourth wall in exactly the wrong way: saying "it has not been completely fabricated" but obviously meaning the opposite fucks up the frame of the article. We all know it's completely fabricated, but we've got to be able to suspend disbelief, and this makes it impossible. Poem, stanza one: Pretty good stuff here! I like the "loud, boisterous falsetto." I like the blatant dig at Whitman's poetic style. The narcissism of the work is presented well. I don't exactly understand whether the Negro and the Squaw are in there for a reason. Stanzas 2-3: This really is pretty funny, the idea of Whitman as a lazy layabout who does nothing useful but celebrate himself for some reason. After "Walt Whitman! Walt Whitman! Walt Whitman! sing I to my neighbor," I really wanted to see something about the reaction of the neighbor. Stanza 4: A little weaker, because it's riding the "Whitman is pathetic" joke a little longer than it was meant for, I think. But I laughed pretty hard at "And what I assume they shall assume, in all matters that don’t involve my penis." Stanza 5: This is fucking awesome, Guild. Maybe take out the sizeable dump, because next to the utterly hilarious bit about the crayfish, it looks a little pointlessly scatological. Other than that, this is a fantastic bit. Stanza 6: Now this is getting odd. The lyrics to Subterranean Homesick Blues? From a man who died almost 70 years before the song was written? Why? I don't get the joke, and if I hadn't recognized that it was Dylan, I would *really* not have any fucking idea what was going on. Stanza 7: See, and at this point, I'm not quite familiar enough with Whitman and Dylan to know which one you're riffing on. So I had to go and Google the first line to see if we were continuing with Dylan, or back to Whitman, or if we'd moved into Led Zeppelin or something. Which totally breaks up the rhythm of my reading the piece. So... maybe getting rid of Dylan would be wise. Anyway: this is a reasonably funny way to poke fun at Whitman's likely homosexuality, but, I don't know, it feels like a joke I've heard before. Especially after years of seeing jokes about Oscar Wilde's homosexuality. It's hard to really make a "Whitman was gay" joke stand out from a "Wilde was gay" joke. Stanza 8: Beatles? Really? Why? Stanza 9: As far as I can see, this stanza's humor is almost entirely contained in the last two lines, about the reader getting annoyed and the poet being an insensitive prick. There are a few other smiles: the coffee drinker drinking tea, and the utterly pointless "doing typical, manly things" lines. But the first four lines really have no smiles at all: they're boring stuff that's only there to establish the joke. What I'm saying, I think, is that this section needs trimming. Because I was getting bored, and if I were reading the article, my instinct would be to skip down a bit. Stanzas 10-11: Had to Google this. The Doors. I don't know what you're doing with these. Stanza 12: At least we're back to Whitman now. I guess this is a servicable way to wrap up the poem, but it's not hilarious. |
| Concept: | 6 | The concept of mocking "Song of Myself" is excellent. But, like I said, the "Read my featured article" frame put me off, and the weird references to classic rock put me off further. Maybe you should just get back to the heart of what this article should be: mocking "Song of Myself." |
| Prose and formatting: | 10 | Yeah, you write very well. |
| Images: | 6 | Whitman: expected. Negro: hilarious. Dylan: weird and not very funny. The End: Inoffensive, but I didn't get the joke. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | No reason |
| Final Score: | 36.2 | A good article, but one that needs work. You know, most Pee Reviews say "add more," but my real advice on this one is to trim. Lose the frame entirely, and cut the poem down to stanzas 1-3, part of 4, 5 (definitely 5), maybe 7, a partial 9, and a new version of 12.
If it looks thin then, you could beef it back up, but honestly, I think that's enough for a very good article. You've written a good article here: it could just use a little weeding. Good luck! |
| Reviewer: |  pillow talk 18:08, 7 March 2009 (UTC)
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I honestly thought all the classic rock stuff was hilarious when I wrote it. If you aren't familar with the songs, you've got more random imagery, if you are, you go "hey, I know that!" and yeah.
I was trying more for a "I'm going to self-depricate myself by pretending to be something of a prick like Whitman" with referencing my other article. If you don't think it works, I'll lose it.
Thanks for the review. It's been up there quite some time, and I'm glad I got some good (damn good, actually) feedback from someone familar with the topic. Thanks, dude. --Guildensternenstein 18:53, 7 March 2009 (UTC)