Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Shaving the Highlight of Area Man’s Day
UnNews:Shaving the Highlight of Area Man’s Day[edit source]
I haven't been on here in a couple years, and decided to write a quick article because I was bored. Meh.You know what the music means... Our time is up. 19:40, May 25, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | Ok, so first of all welcome back to the site. Now let's look at this article of yours.
The biggest problem with the article in my view is it's dullness, which though obviously intentional, kind of works too well if you know what I mean. Most of the jokes are basically just references to how slovenly the subject is. There's nothing wrong with the way you tell them; the jokes are all well constructed, but the content just isn't that hilarious. So he hasn't shaved in a while huh? I'm not really getting why that's supposed to be so funny. And he also likes to watch TV - it's not exactly the pinaccle of comedy. I apologise if that sounds harsh, but I know you can do much better than this. What I would suggest, for lack of other ideas, is that you exagerrate the slovenliness, because right now it's a bit banal. This might help make it a bit more interesting. What kind of disgustingly lazy and unhygienic acts can you inject into this? For example, what did he do with the beard? Leave it in the sink? Or are the shavings still stuck to his neck and t-shirt? Or maybe he let his dog lick it right off - depends how far you want to go. I definitely feel you could go further all round really. When you have him say "look how professional it looks" for instance, you could expand on this and say "the guys in work will be so impressed... when I get a job". Re-read the article and have a think about where you could expand and get more jokes in. I don't know, this is probably a rubbish suggestion. But I stick by my assertion that the jokes aren't surprising enough. |
| Concept: | 5 | It's not a hugely original concept, which certainly doesn't help the subject matter. Essentially you're treating an un-newsworthy story as real news - reporting on the minutiae of everyday life. It's probably been done many times before, but the most notable one since I've been here is this one. That article works a little better in my opinion, because it overplays the drama of what is actually quite a mundane event, and has quite a funny picture too. Perhaps this is something you could consider trying? Again, I feel you need to give the dullness an interesting spin. Maybe you could even try the opposite approach; make it out to be exactly as dull as it is? |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | Your spelling/grammar/etc is fine, but I feel the neutral tone doesn't help the humour much. It might be worth "spicing it up" to make it a little more interesting. An incredibly dry approach might be a good idea, like this news article - which is one of the driest motherfuckers I've ever read. Or possibly the dramatic approach I suggested above. Have a think about it in any case. |
| Images: | 6 | Well, there's only one and it's not particularly exciting. An image of the half-bearded man would be good though... |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | My overall impression. |
| Final Score: | 31 | Overall, the problems inherent in the concept mean there probably isn't a whole lot you can do with this other than just move on to a new article (maybe I'm a pessimist). But if you genuinely want to spend some time reworking this I urge you to consider my suggestions. I apologise that the pee isn't particularly long or helpful, but UnNews, especially short ones, are a bastard to review. Sorry you had to wait so long as well. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 13:40, June 12, 2011 (UTC) | |