Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Tiger Gun
Tiger Gun[edit source]
Twinsoul 23:13, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
 |
This article is under review by <font-weight:bold>Gerry Cheevers. Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!! |
| Humour: | 4.3 | average of scores.
alright, you establish where you're going, and it draw sme in a little, but it wavers slightly. the line 'ran away pissing themselves in fear' doesn't match up with the rest of the introduction, perhaps you could word that differently. you say 'just before' those other two guns, but wouldn't it be 'just after' if it's third? i suggest saying 'barely less evil than'. perhaps a more specific and less generic example of 'made jesus cry in fear' would serve better to round out your conclusion.
well, you don't have much funny here, but you do have potential. i love the idea that tigers could be launched from catapults becasue they always land on their feet and i strongly suggest making that that origin of the first tiger gun. the bit about cavemen wasn't bad either, you can mention that first as a failed attempt. you kind of lose focus going into different editions and tiger cubs...perhaps explain why tiger cubs would be fired instead of tigers?
you have a good underlying idea waaay down in this paragraph, but its covered with a surprising amount of memes and tired jokes (considering you've mostly stayed away from the so far). advice: anything about chuck norris, your mom, etc won't do very well. also, the first sentence seems a bit immature, i'd come up with a better example of effectiveness. i did like the part about the tiger being angry becasue its been coope dup, though.
again, a solid idea, but it gets lost. things like cutting a tiger's legs off, vomiting & pissing oneself, and 'jacking it to meatspin' are all things that take away from the comedic value of your article due to their immaturity of irrelevance. for a section titled why tigers, focus on just that: the advantages a tiger has over a bullet. going around corners? anything like that belongs. |
| Concept: | 4.5 | 2.5/5 for a made-up concept that is just ok. this might only be suitable for an entry in List of weapons that don't exist, but should since we have dozens and dozens of these already.
2/5 points for execution. i liked a lot of your ideas, and your tone was spot-on at times, but for the most part it's rather immature and off-topic. try to maintain that serious encyclopedic tone, and come up with things about tigers and guns that would make them perfect for each other, like the 'cats always land on their feet' thing. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | the image placement left something to be desired. the prose was okay, not great. the history section takes up over half of the article, i would split that into sub-sections. |
| Images: | 4 | the images aren't really well done and don't controbute overall to the article. the animation one in particular is too small and the reader can barely tell what it is. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4.7 | a wizard averaged it |
| Final Score: | 23.5 | my preview button tells me that your score is 23.5. this article needs some work to get it up to 'adequate' status. i recommend reading it a few times, and cutting out anything that seems immature, irrelevant, or anything like that. focus on re-writing the history, i think that's where the greatest potential lies. you know, tiger-catapults, tiger guns in WWI and WWII, stuff like that. read HTBFANJS, and if you have already, read it again; it's always helpful. good luck, and feel free to bring any questions to my talk page. |
| Reviewer: | 20:39, 21 April 2009 (UTC) | |