Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Thomas Jefferson (quick)

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I need a quick review of the direction the humor is taking. I'm trying to get many Presidents articles up to par, so my focus is a bit spread out right now.

Thomas Jefferson

BlueSock 01:56, November 3, 2009 (UTC)

I'll review this as requested by the president of blue socks. Look for it within 24 hours. King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  05:11, November 3, 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	2	Your Presidential Reviewer I have a habit of introducing myself so you'll know how unqualified I am, but then you may remember I did this before. I'm currently nommed for RotM and won NotM for September, so some people think I don't totally suck. I don't claim to be an expert on Thomas Jefferson, but he is one of my favorite people in all of American history. And I did vote for him. OK so not really on that last part. Also I tend to put Prose and Formatting comments in Humour so I don't repeat myself, but do score them separately. I think you have a definite talent for writing, and can see that in what you have here. But unfortunately, I think you've fallen into the classic Uncyclopedia trap, which I'll explain below. But don't worry; there's still time to crawl out and show people what you're capable of doing here. The introduction Right away I as the reader am wondering, "is this going to all fit together or be random?" Becoming president of the U.S. because of hazing and narcotics, and then contacting extraterrestrials? Is this article going to explain this, and show how this fits in with the real-life Thomas Jefferson? Life "Thomas Jefferson's early life....: I don't get the drug experimentation as a kid, and as for Lincoln log, Abe Lincoln was born just a few days before Jefferson left office as president. And the drunken orgy part seems random--is this connected to Jefferson's early life? Humour usually works much better when there's a basis of truth to it. Think of those comedians and comedies you really like, and you'll see that almost always they're very close to the truth, or sometimes a reversal of the truth. To be funny, most of the humour about Jefferson should be things that specifically fit Jefferson. Also in this section it says Jeffersion was the second president. And as for Washington's plot to become emperor, this article is about Jefferson not Washington. Unless you develop Washington's plot as a fundamental part of Jefferson's story, I think this could be cut. Presidential Campaign Jefferson was known for planting, but was there a connection with marijuana? If so, I'd like to see some actual facts mixed it for humour. And him going naked to get weed, and everyone else getting high but him--this also seems random. Jefferson's Bible I've read part of the Jeffersonian Bible, and yes he did stick to secular material. I find "Jesus wept" being the entire Bible amusing, but it stretches it a bit too much. Maybe if this was all he wrote about Jesus; that might work. But now Jefferson passes out--from what, drugs? It seemed in the previous section he was the only one who wasn't doing drugs. Jefferson's House Again, I'd think about how does the humour relate to Jefferson? Was there something in history or in an old legend about him that connected him to Bigfoot? And "orbiting the earth in a teacup"--was Jefferson an early UFO fan? Again, I don't see how this relates to the subject of the article. I don't usually look at the history of an article I review because I'm reviewing what's there not what used to be there. But I noticed you're doing this as part of Conservation Week. I compared the most recent version before you began editing to your most recent version. I saw a lot of randomness in both, writing that had nothing to do with Jefferson. Have you read HTBFANJS? I found it very helpful, and went back and looked at it again after someone suggested I look it over. I'd also recommend looking at the Wikipedia article on Jefferson, or some other real source. He is one of the most well-versed, well-rounded people in all of American history. There is so much great material about him, non-fiction and fiction, and some parts in between. See also I'd recommend looking these over and see which one you believe fit as links and which ones don't.
Concept:	2	I'm sorry for such a low score, but I don't know how to rate the concept for this article because I'm not sure what it is. Jefferson was a drug-dealing who talked to Big Foot and space aliens? Not having a clear concept may be the problem that you can fix. I'd suggest getting a clear concept of where you want to go with this--an encyclopedia takeoff; a personal account of Jefferson's life; a mystery of him as the man who worked in shadows and talked to history's first recorded "Man in Black"; the father of several of his slaves' children; or whatever you come up with. Personally, I'd recommend starting from scratch with a good concept. You may change it along the way, but that's fine--that's part of what rewriting's for.
Prose and formatting:	5	I believe your writing is decent in spite of the fact I think this could be better started completely from scratch. And I suspect your talent for writing is much higher. You may have fallen into the same trap so many people who edit here have, which is to read several uncyclopedia articles and figure that's the way people write here. Unfortunately, most of the admins and featured writers think most of the stuff on this site sucks. I'd recommend looking over featured articles and seeing the various ways they're written. If you find some that are written in a style that you think will work for you for this article, then I'd use that for inspiration. Again, I suspect if you started with a clear concept, your score here would be quite a bit higher.
Images:	5	I think your article could use more images. Also I think the one you used was popular with some people (I personally find the mustache too phony looking), but if you tie Jefferson having a huge mustache in with your article it could work.
Miscellaneous:	3.5	Average of above
Final Score:	17.5	Again I think you show a talent for writing. I'd suggest you read HTBFANJS which is helpful not insulting in spite of its title, develop a concept of what you want to do with this article, do a little research even if it's only reading the Wikipedia article, then start over from the beginning. Good luck!
Reviewer:	King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  02:37, November 4, 2009 (UTC)