Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Altair v1.2

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The Altair v1.2

AldirTheKnight 23:13, 10 July 2008 (UTC)

PRIP EXPIRED Though Hyperbole reserved this Pee Review, he/she/it/Abominable Snowman has not yet completed it. You may claim the review by replacing his/her/its/Abominable Snowman's name with yours.

On behalf of PEE, I'd like to apologize for the seven-day lag in this review. pillow talk 17:08, 17 July 2008 (UTC)

Humour:	3	The main problem with this article is that I have absolutely no idea what it's about, and I think most people who browse to it will have that problem. I spent five minute Googling "Altair", and I kept coming up with stuff about stars and computer systems. Eventually I figured out that the article is about Assassin's Creed, but most people just aren't going to put in that degree of homework. I recommend cluing them in in the intro, or at least sticking a {{Wikipedia}} template that directs them to the page on Assassin's Creed. Okay. Section-by-section: Intro: 3'. Nothing funny about this, but then, there's not supposed to be. But to the extent that it exists to introduce the subject of the article, well, it fails. "Fan merchandise"? Doesn't really give me an understanding of the subject of the article. Unpacking: 4. The joke about the secretary who does questionable things with Altair is kind of funny, but not told the best way possible - it's one of those things where I *think* I get the joke, but I can't be positive. And then we get into very specific Assassin's Creed in-jokes. Now, that's dangerous water. I don't know that very many people are going to have any idea what's going on at this point. I mean, I have a PS3, but I've pretty much only played GTA4 and MGS4, and I suspect that a lot of Uncyclopedia readers are more-or-less in the same boat. Robert De Salle? Al Mualiam? Ninja Templar? Nope, I don't know what's going on here. The list of accessories isn't very funny - probably not even to Assassin's Creed players. Listing stuff is rarely funny. The First Week: 2. Even if Altair is a character who begins as an ass and develops into a more decent guy, this really isn't a funny joke: it's just an observation. This section is short and kind of a waste - I'd suggest chopping it out. Modes: 5. The joke that Altair spends most of his time in "morally confused" mode is a pretty good one. Other than that, though, the section is mostly just pointing out that the character undergoes some development throughout the story. Which isn't really, you know, satirical. The Fangirl's slave mode continues the weird running joke about the secretary: apparently, her name is Kaxen, who I assume is a character in the game. It's... not hilarious. The "Bright and Bubbly" section is pretty funny, just by virtue of its total improbability. "Hoodless" is a little weak - I'd combine this with "Fangirl", since it ventures into the same territory. "Santa Assassin" seems too random and should go. The "special note" doesn't seem like very strong satire. Care: 4. The bathing joke seemed amusing. The reference to "six pillows in the corner" may have been a serviceable in-joke - I don't know. But everything else here seemed really, really flat. Uses: 3. The jokes here are getting repetitive. Altair shanks people, and there are "fangirls" who want to have sex with him. Well, okay. We've heard this before. What on earth is "parkouring"? Versions: 3. The jokes here are getting repetitive. This section is very similar to "Modes" and should probably just be folded into that section. Yes, Altair can kill people, and he's Arabian. This isn't new territory. Interaction with other units: 2. While this technically isn't a separate section, it seems like one. The thing is, what I see is just a description of the way Altair interacts with the other Assassin's Creed characters. That's totally worthless to anyone who isn't familiar with the game, and even to those who are familiar with the game, I suspect the response would be "Yep. That is indeed how those two characters interact." Troubleshooting/Q&A: 2. The article has just run out of material at this point and is repeating itself. First, we talk some more about the character development, from arrogant to morally confused to heroic. We've been there before. Then, we talk some more about Altair and sex with various other characters. Not only have we been there before, but the tried-and-untrue technique of taking a work of fiction and making all the characters have sex with each other just never works well. An article, for example, about what it would be like if Peter Griffin had sex with Joe, Cleveland, Cleveland's wife, Adam West... well, you can already see how badly that would work, right?
Concept:	5	This concept is on shaky ground. The idea of taking a character from a game that only a small minority of people have played, packaging him as a "consumer product," and putting him into real-life people's homes, has some promise. The main problem with the article is that it doesn't *actually* make any jokes about how he'd act in real-life people's homes. Rather, it just talks about how he acts in the video game. Why, for example, is the secretary a character from the game? Why is all the troubleshooting taken from absurd situations in the game? It could be a lot funnier to troubleshoot something like "My Altair won't fix the sink!" Combining the absurdities of fiction with the mundane nature of real life can be hilarious. Don't close that door for the article by making real life exactly as absurd as the fiction; when you do that, you lose out on a lot of opportunities.
Prose and formatting:	4	The formatting is pretty iffy, too. Starting the article by plopping three pictures onto the right margin, with no apparent relation to the text that appears near them (and, indeed, since different people read at different resolutions, they'll appear in different places for different people), is not ideal formatting. There's a lot of unnecessary whitespace, and many of the sections are either too long or too short. The article just drops off at the end with no real conclusion or sense of finality, and there are no categories. There are red links near the beginning, and no links at all near the end.
Images:	4	The pictures really don't improve the article. They're all pretty small and smashed up against the right margin. The first one doesn't seem relevant to anything; the third one is confusing (wait, is Kaxen a character from the video game, or a real life secretary - and if the answer is either one, why is she a cartoon, now?) The others are just pictures of Altair, which is boring. And the captions really don't contain any comedy at all.
Miscellaneous:	4	Averaged via the average being obvious
Final Score:	20	Well, now you've seen a review from someone who hasn't played Assassin's Creed. Maybe a player would have a different take on it; I don't know. You could put up another review request and ask for an AC player, but I suspect it would sit up here for a month. Overall, though, whether someone is familiar with the topic or not, it's pretty clear that this article needs a good deal more work. Good luck!
Reviewer:	pillow talk 17:56, 17 July 2008 (UTC)