Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Serial Experiments Lain
Serial Experiments Lain[edit source]
I love this show... In depth, please. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 19:21, October 2, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7 | Ok, you have some really decent stuff in here, and I was actually quite surprised at how funny some of it was, especially considering it's a show I've never even heard of. Interestingly, the first time I read it I wasn't really keen on it, but once I'd given it another read through I started to appreciate some of its humour, and chuckled at a couple of the jokes. I think this was because the article's subject matter - and style of humour - is fairly esoteric. You have to have actually seen the show to know what you're talking about, at least for the first few sections. Also, I think because I've never seen the show and because I'm generally not a fan of anime, I dismissed it. To stop this from happening again, you're really going to have to work on the esoteric nature of the article. Most readers probably won't bother reading it more than once, you see, the only reason I did was because I was reviewing it. Fortunately I think I have a few ideas on how you can make this more accessible.
Your intro is ok, and now I have more of an idea about the show it seems adequate. However, I recall that the first time around I didn't really care for it. Perhaps you could try harder to really get to grips with your main joke here, which I guess is how weird the show is. Try to make some broader jokes so that people who've never seen the show can appreciate it - stuff that's common to a lot of animes, perhaps (like the jokes about how weird it is). The bit about telephone wires is weak and also seems to be the only joke in there. Someone who hasn't seen the show is unlikely to even understand this, never mind laugh at it. To be honest though, your intro isn't bad at all. It's the next couple of sections that I feel are the most problematic. Description is one such section. I think I see what you're trying to do here, but in my opinion it doesn't really work. You're trying to describe the plot in snippets while also giving flashes of the show's surrealism, correct? It wasn't actually until about the second or third reading that I got this section, so that should demonstrate that it hasn't quite worked. I figured you were alluding to the opening credits or something. It's a great idea by the way, I just don't think the "line of plot, line of weirdness" format is the best way to go about it. At this point I would recommend you read this article, which does a similar thing. Note how it uses images and brief explanations to give a flavour of what is largely a visual film. Note how it uses images and brief explanations to give a flavour of what is a very surreal and visual story. I think you could do something similar to this, not copy it exactly, but just try to branch out into other modes of formatting, particularly visual formatting. Try playing with different font styles, sizes and colours, maybe get some images in. Just experiment and see what you can achieve. Give the reader a proper flavour of this unique and bizarre show - something that probably isn't possible with just words. The Character section is probably the most esoteric part, and this really ruins it for me. It kind of boils down to just saying "remember when this character did this? That was funny wasn't it?" instead of making any real jokes. You have to have seen the show to get most of this. To be honest, I didn't really care enough to read about any of these guys, the only one that was really necessary was the main character, because we have to know a little bit about her in order to establish the premise of the show. I would recommend not having a bit on characters, and just establish who she is in the Description section instead. The Writing and concepts part was a lot better. I liked the analysis and hearing about the show in the context of the real world really helped to better establish what it's like. It's not without it's problems though. The only really funny bit in this section is probably the bit where even the writer doesn't know what it's about, that was really well played. Apart from the Bleach joke (another show I haven't seen, although I know enough to get the joke) this whole section was a bit serious. The first two paragraphs, for example, don't really even have any jokes in them, it just sounds like you're actually analysing the show rather than writing comedy. Perhaps the intellectual readings of the show are meant to be funny, I'm not sure, as I've never seen it; they could be true for all I know. I would advise just trying to be a little sillier here, which is strange because in reviews I normally tell writers to stop being so silly. The bit about bleeding shadows was good, because you really get an idea of how odd and possibly pretentious the show is, so more stuff like this might be good. Just a quick tip about bumping up the joke ratio too - don't be afraid to put your jokes in the main body of the text rather than hiding them in the footnotes. The one where you say "kids today" for instance was quite funny, but is likely to be missed and isn't really worth the extra effort of interrupting the flow to check the footnotes. Footnotes, if used at all, should be used consistently, like if you're having the narrator comment on the article or something, and they're doing it a lot. Otherwise it's probably best to just put the joke in the article, or leave it out altogether. In this case I reckon the former. Finally, the Wait, WHAT!? section, although kind of funny, is a bit of a weak ending to the article. It deviates way too much from the style of the preceding sections, none of which are first-person or as rambling in tone as this is. If there's a way to make it more consistent then that would be great, but if not I would probably get rid of it. I like the image of a guy watching it seven times with a bottle of Dr Pepper, so see what else you can do with it. |
| Concept: | 6 | The idea of it being so deliberately confusing is good, and if you could expand on anything I would make it that. One of the strongest jokes, as I've said, is the one about how even the writer didn't know what it was about. It's not necessarily the idea that's funny, it's the way you say it. It comes totally out of the blue, in a discussion about whether or not it's Scientology propaganda, which serves as a great diversion. Maybe try to get more info on what the fan's reactions were throughout the article, stuff like that. Another bit I thought had potential was the joke about the bleeding shadows. This really gave a flavour of the show, which obviously helped for me. Try to do more like this too. My ideas for the Description section will help here, but think about what other ways you can illustrate the show's weirdness. The key thing to remember is not to rely on esoteric jokes that require you to have seen the show. |
| Prose and formatting: | 9 | Your spelling and grammar are pretty good, although I did notice a few errors that I corrected myself. I'd still just give a quick proofread though, especially if you make edits. Apart from that I think you did a nice job here. |
| Images: | 4 | You need a lot more. The idea I discussed above about using images to give an idea of what the show is like would definitely help in my opinion. But you could also do with some in the sections that deal with development and reception. Some of the ones you already have aren't really up to scratch. The opening one for instance, this really doesn't get to grips with the weirdness you go on to describe, in fact you barely talk about telephone wires after the intro. Something more general would be better here, even if it's just a promotional poster or DVD cover or something. Also, the one of the guy with no head, while it's good for illustrating an identity crisis, I don't think it's a good idea to have an image of the narrator, especially in an article that isn't in first person. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6.5 | My feeling on the article as a whole. |
| Final Score: | 32.5 | I really do think this has great potential. Hopefully my comments will help you get it into much better shape, it really shouldn't be to difficult to do so. The main things to think about are sorting out the intro, which is a bit esoteric, and perhaps getting a few more jokes in there about it being incomprehensible. Also, get some more pictures in there. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 11:35, November 21, 2010 (UTC) | |