Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Macintosh (rewrite)

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Macintosh

I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I have got rid of the old, messy article on Macintosh. The bad news, though, is that if you like the old one, it's gone.

Note also that a new subsection will be added soon. --The Colonel (talk) 15:59, 11 March 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	7	I too have got some good and bad news. The good news is that I haven't read the old article and will therefore remain non bias. The bad news is this that I dont like Mac's and will therefore go back to a more bias position. The following comments and thoughts will probably be a bit too kind and nice so have that in my mind when reading this. What I enjoyed more than anything else were the continous descriptions, metafors and witty exagerations you used from beginning to end. That gives your article a serious tone where to humour lies in those aberations. The risk though is that you mostly base your jokes on real things by overstating real facts. Even though I find that funny people actually enjoying mac computers won't (or not as much as I did at least). It sure works but I've noticed how the active and experienced writers here, righteously, opt for more imaginative ways of humour by making up stories or facts instead of relying as much on real ones as you did. On the other hand im a bit picky but I still think you should have those thoughts in my mind while conceiving concepts to articles - the more you make up while managing to somehow connect it to true facts the funnier the article will be. Byt staying too close to the truth the risk that it just ends up as plain sarcasm grows. Basically, your article is indeed funny but dangerously close to true so beware of that trap that sarcasm is.
Concept:	7	In its whole I rather enjoyed your article. In fact it was in many ways quite good but it has a major flaw. It was boring to read somehow. I'll try to explain why I felt so but bear in mind its still a good article. This might be a bit connected with my previous comment on your articles humour but there is something else to it. Even though I enjoyed the article there are times while reading it when I felt like stopping. I think its a mix of multiple small silly things but by adding up they create a negativ effect. One of those may be the lack of one-liners. By that I mean original and unexpected jokes. You come close to such jokes when writing about hte marketshares or even more precisely when you write about the Macbook Air but I'm sure you could squeeze in a few even more silly jokes. Also (as I'll say in the next paragraf), While your prose in itself is impressive; the use of so many long sentences (even though they are well written ones) makes for a very heavy text. I wouldnt go as far as to say its a pain to read but it is requiring a bit of focus and readers on this site are often quite whimpsy so a hint would be for you too lighten up your text.
Prose and formatting:	7	So as I was saying. Impressive english indeed. It takes a lot of knowledge to write so long sentences and keep them tidy and understandable which you do. But it takes a bit more skill to do so and keep them light. Even if it my sound harsh, try dumbing down your prose a bit. Shorten some sentences where possible. Another thing that may help with the artciles lightness is its formatting. At first I really enjoyed it. Its really neat looking but after thinking for a while it too might contribute to this "boring" effect. Its a bit to neat. Almost square looking block of text rightly accompanied by fitting pictures. As I said, neat but too constrictive. Try adding more space and creating paragrafs within your blocks of text. Maybe spcie things up a bit with a funny quotation from Steve Jobs somewhere in the middle of ther article?
Images:	9	The pictures where just great. The Bush and Bono picture with its comments sis defintely the best. It is a great example of what I'd expect a bit more from the article. An unexpected funny picture with a great and short comment that says it all. Simple, great, bordering on awesome =)
Miscellaneous:	+1	+1 point because even though mac computers aren't maybe that bad (though I'll never say that officially) they suck! =D
Final Score:	31	I see great potential. Its even now already a good article but if it found itself a bit more "light", wild and witty it might be even better. Do what you want with my opinions, in any way I'm grateful for a fun read =) Cheers
Reviewer:	--Kit talk 11:49 14 March