Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Host an emo pity party (2)
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HowTo:Host an emo pity party [edit source]
Chief! You there? If you are not chief you can go ahead either way, but I am still hoping you are chief. Anyway have a good piss!
Sir ACROLO KUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 13:24, 24 July 2009 (UTC)
Yup I'm here, give me a little while for this one, expect feedback within 12 hours of me placing this comment. --ChiefjusticeDS 21:20, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 8 | OK, the first thing that hits me as I look over your article again is the revamped intro. This is a huge improvement on your last version and it all feels necessary and far less confused. This is true for the entire article which has recently become the first article to make me laugh out loud that wasn't written by Orian or Guildy. The only point of improvement that I can see now is to avoid losing track of your point and getting lost in a tangent. Look at the preamble, while the point if funny it takes up a couple of lines, you can probably scale this back a little bit, and just make it more of a throwaway joke. Also watch for overuse of the 'Are you still here' joke. While it was amusing the first time, it isn't required continuously. To justify continuation of the article, why not imply that the reader is a kindred spirit because they have stayed so long, you could then start relating back to them. These changes are hardly essential in an otherwise very amusing article. Though they might prevent people tiring of jokes. These are cosmetic changes only. Well improved, I'm impressed. |
| Concept: | 8 | Good work on improving the tone, the score is not higher because of a number of minor difficulties. Your tone takes a hit when you keep seeming unsure of yourself, saying something like "well, that's what I do at any rate" makes it you seem unsure, the article is titled HowTo not Howyoucouldconsiderdoingthings. So sound sure of yourself, is the article's narrator supposed to be an emo or not? Remember that if you choose to take on a persona for an article like this then that persona at least needs to be an authority on your chosen subject. This crops up a fair amount thus the score of 8, go through and sound a bit more certain that this is how to do it. |
| Prose and formatting: | 9 | Again well done, some of my qualms have been removed by rewrites and some evidence of checking is visible. You keep pretty tight on this one, and I am close to awarding you 10 for it, but I think some of the formatting at the top is a bit squashed, just be careful with the HowTo template and your image. Text to image ratio is still fine and the text is broken nicely. |
| Images: | 10 | Finally, I was concerned you wouldn't grab one of these, but your new images work far better than the old ones, the caption on the last one had me laughing and I was even more pleased to see the caption jokes repeated in the text. Very impressive changes leaving me nothing to complain about. |
| Miscellaneous: | 9 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 44 | A superlative demonstration of how it should be done, your article is, in my view, exactly the sort of thing VFH entries are made of. I would encourage you to at least throw it in there and see how it does. It's very good to see someone making changes successfully, very well done. In fact I'm nomming it myself. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeDS 22:00, 27 July 2009 (UTC) | |