Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Buy a One Way Ticket to Hell and Back
HowTo:Buy a One Way Ticket to Hell and Back[edit source]
Crazyhair911 19:11, February 6, 2011 (UTC)
- I'll try to get to this today. If not, I'll have it done before midnight tomorrow. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)
20:59, February 6, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6.5 | So your humour is pretty good here. This is one of the few articles where I think the quotes are kind of funny, good job in doing that for me. Now then, to get serious...
Let's begin with your first paragraph. I have some suggestions in the prose and format section, and for humour, I think you could add a little bit more to this section. First off, the sentence, "Just be sure to bring a couple of chilled beers with you, as you're probably gonna get thirsty," would probably fit better in the 'tips' section, considering it's unlikely that you would be able to bring a couple of beers if you have to kill yourself...Second, try adding some jokes to this. Maybe talk about how Uncle Belthazor's guide has been used for centuries and has helped some famous people like Hitler and friends. Something like that. Now then, with your 'how to get there,' you can probably add a couple more methods on which to get there. Maybe talk about about using a noose and then the person saying they don't know how to tie a knot, or to set the house on fire and then the person says they don't have matches, something like that. Also, after the pop rocks and coca, I think you said just have the narrator say something like, "That only gave you bad gas? Well damn then, how about standing in front a bus? Good? Alright, good, here comes one. We're almost done with step on-SPLAT" and then go into the next section. That way, you have a flow going from the first to the second. For the checking in section, why would you apply sunscreen if the thermostat is up? That is all. I think I talk about these two things later on, but try adding more sections, specifically a section about the food, and about other tourist options. These sub-sections are too short and need to expanded in whatever way you can think of. The sections you have already are short, and most of them can be combined with other sections. However, this may be difficult as your sections appear to be a short of short listing of things, so the best thing to do is to add more sub-sections. Talk about meeting hitler, torture, the big guy, plans for the rapture, satan's private home, hollywood, etc. I like the ending, so that's pretty much taken care of. I can't really see any way for improvement there, but maybe just take another glance over it? Maybe. |
| Concept: | 6.5 | I like the general concept of wanting to travel to hell as a tourist, and your advisements on what to see and do, are a nice touch. Other than that, I can't really see any improvement that I haven't already mentioned in the humour and format sections. Just look over those because your concept is generally pretty good already. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4 | Meh. If there's one thing I don't like about this article, it's your prose and formatting. Let's start with formatting.
First off, simply going on to this article makes it look like a jumbled mess. The pictures kind of cut into the article and your sections appear too small to be sections on their own. For example, on the section "how to get there," your last option is left off the list, if you get what I'm saying. Might want to fix that. My main advisement to fixing the formatting, is to find a way to expand the sections, or simply add new ones and combine old ones with it. For example, you could create a section talking about the food in hell and combine this with "At the hell motel," that way you'd have a bigger section and you'd create relevance to the Gordan Ramsey picture. Two birds with one stone. Or maybe you could expand the tourist section by talking about the tours available and viewing plans for the 'rapture,' or something like that. These should expand your sections and help prevent the pictures from overlapping your articles and making it all look so jumbled. One formatting suggestion that I see pretty clearly, is in this paragraph, "Do you want to have a great vacation in the tropical climate of Hell? Do you wish to see the big guy in red tights, and come back alive? Well now you can, by following Uncle Belthazor's guide to touring hell and coming back in one piece! Hell is the perfect place to unwind, with it's numerous tourist resorts and beaches along the burning lake of sulfer!" You should combine the fourth and and first sentence, because otherwise it is random to go from one topic to another, and then back again. Maybe to something like, "Do you want to have a great vacations in the tropical climate of hell, with its numerous tourist resorts and beaches along the burning lake of sulfer? Well now you can...blah blah blah." Just an idea. Now then, I did notice some spelling errors and if it wasn't 2:00 A.M, I would fix them, but there's too many for me at the moment. I'll try and get back to that task. In the meantime, look to re-reading the article and fixing it up yourself. It's pretty much the best advice I can give you in regards to spelling and grammar, becuase you have quite the number of errors here. |
| Images: | 6 | Pretty good images there. The first one is in a good place and is a perfect introductory picture for an article on hell. The caption, however, is a little random as marshmellows are typically associated with campfires and you mainly talked about beaches. Perhaps instead of saying, "Ahhh. What a wonderful way to roast marshmallows!" you could say, "Ahhh. What a great place to get a tan/sunburn!" because that would be more appropriate considering the setting and the 'tourist' topic.
Not much to say about the second image. It's connected with a joke you made so it has relevance to the story, aside from the fact I didn't know who Mickey was until I went to Google. I wouldn't worry about that, if someone doesn't know, I'm sure they'll look it up and go, "Ohhhhh...hahahahahha," afterwards. Aside from that, not much to be said about this one. The third image is pretty good, the connection with Gordon Ramsey and Hell's kitchen is appropriate. The caption however, feels like it could made better. Maybe something about how all the chefs in hell are trained by satan's right hand-man, Gordon 'Hell' Ramsey, or something like that. You might also want to insert a section regarding the food in hell too, so that this picture isn't as oddly placed as it is now. The last picture I'm a little confused about. I get you used it because you were talking about how you can take a picture with Hitler, but why would hell use photo-edit when you took the picture with Hitler. I'm guessing you were trying to joke at how the picture is obviously photo-shopped, but the problem with that is, you're contradicting yourself with actually having taken a picture with Hitler, with photo-shopping yourself with Hitler. I would advise using a different picture also, as this one has a weird perspective (it looks like the guy is coming out of hitler's legs or something). Maybe you could put a spin on the obviousness of the photo-shop by saying something like, "Me and Hitler chilling. Unfortunately, the picture is a little morphed because Hitler tried to take it from me yelling "Nien! Nien! You have taken my soul!" so I had to tape it back together a bit." That's just an idea. It's all up to you of course. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | My gut feeling. Plus, I'm trying to be nice so I don't go to hell. From what I've read in your article, it's not a nice place... |
| Final Score: | 29 | So look to reviewing what I've outlined. This article definitely has potential for VFH, but you need to work on everything I've outlined for you. If you have any questions or comments, just leave a message on my talk page and I'll be glad to get back to you on it. Good luck on the article. Peace |
| Reviewer: | --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  04:36, February 7, 2011 (UTC)
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