Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Gwonam (revised)

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Gwonam

Ilovecheeseandsausage 16:51, September 18, 2011 (UTC)

I'll do this Pee review, Mr. Junk food. It may take 4 days as it may take 6 hours, I'll send you a message on your greasy talkpage when done! Mattsnow 21:38, October 7, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	6	Hi Mr. Sausages, I'll do the Pee review by adding some suggestions when I see that one could fit, this is generally to help you to spark some ideas. I also like to whine and bitch and whine some more by pointing out the sections of the article that could be improved. First of all, I must say that I don't know anything about Gwonam, or if this cartoon character exists, but I sure know about Zelda. My guess is that all those names (King Harkinian, Koridai, etc.) are all issued from your imagination. Update: I googled the lad and he exists, though I don't know crap about him, therefore keep in mind that the review will be made by someone who knows Zelda but nothing about Gwonam, which I suspect will be the case for the majority of the readers. I think the crossover between Zelda and this bloke works well. You also have good grammar and prose. However, I think the article lacks humor material a bit, as it is an entertaining read, but lacks strong LOL moments. I'll try my best to help you with that, and the way I do it is to break the article down section by section and bitching. Intro Sorry, but that template just rapes my eyes. Also, there is not a single reference to Youtube in the article, I think this template could definitely be deleted. The quotes are not too funny also. But I like the text and it flows well, but you could add jokes, as it is just fun to read, but there are no laughs there. For exemple, you could add what exactly is the weapon Link used to easily defeat Ganon, say a Coca-Cola squirt gun. You could also say rapidly how Ganon plans to conquer the world, maybe thanks to a funny product he'd sell via infomercial. Just a suggestion. Early Life You could say he was born from 2 mating lamps. You should also emphasize how that pharaoh is scary and a sissy at the same time: "evil immortal pharoah...that ran away like a sissy whenever a small mouse approached..." "However, due to the fact his house is located in Koridai, it is likely that it is his hometown." Not too funny, maybe say it like this: "However, since he is often seen squatting in his semi-girlfriend's crib in Koridai, one could argue that it is his hometown." Invasion of Koridai You could say how Ganon invaded Koridai (in a funny way of course). I like the enumeration of the ridiculous monsters, that is pretty funny. "He also gave what Link needed to enter Ganon's Lair..." What is it? A magical McNugget? You could come up with something good here, don't be afraid to let go of "facts" and come up with something illogical and ridiculous once in a while. "who judging from her future appearances in the Zelda franchise was well-liked by fans." Maybe this is true, I don't know, but you could come up with a funny reason as to why she came back and was liked by the fans. She made good peanut butter? You can find something :). Friends and Family The paragraph's start is pretty funny, although I personally think the Justin Bieber joke is a little too easy (You could come up with a far more ridiculous way of him having meet his demise) This sentence is ordinary too as it's not funny or doesn't set up a joke: "However, during the Invasion of Koridai he was Link's travelling companion, suggesting that he is good friends with the boy." Work on that one or replace it with something else. Powers and Abilities The first sentence is pretty good, but you could replace the "among other things" with actual things, like shining his shoes with his beard or causing him to be actually more beautiful than a frog. Also, don't forget that Chuck Norris's jokes, just as Justin Bieber's, are a bit too easy. You could come up with another name and I think it would be funnier, like say the Incredible Hulk or something. The magic carpet thing is hilarious, and I fing myself thinking you should have exploited that topic a little more throughout the article as there is a good potential for jokes with it. Recent Events The last sentence is a bit confusing, you may want to clarify it and finish the article on a big fat joke.
Concept:	7	The concept is very good, a nice crossover, because from what I know at least Gwonam and Zelda never had anything in common, so it is a great idea and it shows you have imagination.
Prose and formatting:	7	You have a good prose, I'll point out passages in particullar that sound a little weird and could be improved. Intro "mainly the hero Link in particular": get rid of "mainly" or "in particular", as they both mean the same thing. Also, a little later on, the text included in the round brackets is awfully long and confuses the reader I think. Consider making 2 sentences with this really long one, it should be easy then to trash the round brackets. Invasion of Koridai There is once again an awfully long sentence here that is pretty confusing and that you could cut in 2. The one starting with: "He took Link to Koridai ..." The formatting could be better if the pics were larger in my view.
Images:	5.5	1. The first pic is ordinary, but it is the captions in this particular article that can make them funny. On this particular one, if the reader doesn't know Squadula, there is not much of a chance he'll find it funny. How about a small introduction of who Gwonam is, like "Here is Gwonam in all his magnificient glory. Notice the harmonious choice in colors of his genie fatigues." Also, this picture could be enlarged since it introduces the article. 2. This one is pretty OK. You could enlarge it though. 3. I feel you should go with a better caption, one that will be telling us what is currently happening with Gwonam, maybe he could have been kicked from his girlfriend's place and you could come up with a funny reason why.
Miscellaneous:	6	How I would rate the article out of 10 now, but it can be improved, I know you can do it soldier!
Final Score:	31.5	Keep in mind that I made suggestions on the fly in the Pee Review, and that the key to a great article is to take your time while writing. I like the article as it is an entertaining read, but some jokes could be easily added thanks to the pointers I laid. Think, think, think some more and then write. Great ideas will spawn this way. I hope that helped and feel free to come visit me on my talkpage for specific advice and such since I now know the article a lot. You can also come for cookies and tea. Adios!
Reviewer:	Mattsnow 21:22, October 8, 2011 (UTC)