Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Eyewitness
Eyewitness[edit source]
Hi there! I know this article is not very good (sad face) but how can I improve it. Thank you in advance. Nameable • mumble? 11:52, June 18, 2011 (UTC) Hey, ill do this! --ShabiDOO 12:51, July 14, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6.9 | Here is a rundown on the humour:
I like the first line, the second line gives me a chuckle and the third line, with Wikipedia falls just a little flat. Its good in principle but I don't think its executed super well. I would suggest either expanding the wikipedia part a tiny bit, or writing a new line. Suggestions: The complex level is so complex it is not space permitting in this article, for an example of a botched attempt at explaining it, check out wikipedia. Or something like that. The last sentence...Im sorry, I dont really get it, maybe its an obvious pop reference, but consider replacing him with something more generic. Example of Uses of an Eyewitness: Shocked to see the man run away is very funny. I would suggest replacing Lebowsky with a more common name, it makes me think of the movie and distracts from the article. Think of putting something else in place of "not even a please or thank you". For instance, If Im going to be robbed, I should at least have a cool scar to show my friends. Or something like that. The next line is cute, though it would still be funny(ier) without the superman or NYPD. The rest of the paragraph is cute, made me smile, replace "important" with something a Little clearer like "related to the robbery" or something funny. I dont find that particular word play that funny with the crossed out line. Its a great idea, but consider finding somewhere else in the article to do it (as it ruins the flow and theres probably funnier places to do it). Narrow down the suspects, very funny. Over three months later doesnt make sense, it should be either Over the next three months, or, three months later. Even knew where she lived...funny. Next whole paragraph...well written and funny. The last paragraph of the section is cute though replace luckily with fortunately. Eyewitness protection: Except for the last numbered line (4) this whole thing is not a bad idea but poorly executed. Each idea is cute and can be rewritten but as it sounds now, its a little corny and needs a little more development (it seems silly for the sake of being silly and lacks a serious tone that is necessary for it to be ironic-funny). Also...the coloured formatting is a little strange, it looks like its from the 80s. I dont know if thats on Purpose. The following paragraph is cute. Consider extending the paragraph with the inverse: It is even more surprising that more promising candidates for such a career do not endeavour to become relocated eyewitnesses. How do I become a: Toaster is funny. Next sentence is funny. Directions to the library is okay. I thought it was going to go the line of, especially when they walk around the court bumping into things. Singular should be single. The three eyed quip could be funny though I suggest replacing Dianna with something much further in the past. I dont really get the "d" joke. USA or China...very funny. The rest of the paragraph is well written and funny. Myths: really wanted to...should be removed. Otherwise the whole paragraph is well written and funny. I like the last paragraph, some people might not. For me its an absurd way to end the article (which is a hard article to end) others may seem it as a cheap way to finish an article. Depends on the reader. The footnote isn't that funny. Consider adding a totally unrelated absurd event instead of the pick axe. |
| Concept: | 7.1 | There are various concepts in the article, in fact a different concept for each paragraph. Some how they seem to merge well with each other and unless you feel like spending a LOT of time coming up with a brilliant way to link them all together and rewrite a lot of the article with a single concept, to me, its fine the way it is. The article wouldn't hurt from one extra section, as long as its as funny as your best moments. In any case, I dont have much more to say about the concept. Good job and super creative work! |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | Ive already commented on prose in the humour section with lots of examples. Consider rehauling the whole eyewitness protection guidelines. |
| Images: | 2 | This is where your article is hurting the most, with images. The two that you placed are not particularily funny and I think that you should spend a fair bit of time looking for other images. Even with the captions you have now, they seem a little out of place and don't gel well with the article. Consider even an image with a boy in a hoody. Or an old woman on trial. In any case, taking even abstract images and finding funny ways to relate them to the article through a clever caption can make an already absurd article like yours even better. |
| Miscellaneous: | 10 | Ten points cause its a groovy article |
| Final Score: | 32 | I like this article a lot, and I find it ranging from cute to funny. I think you have to clean up the images and the guidelines section, tidy up a few sentences and tighten the flow and humour a little. If you spend a nice amount of time on that, theres no doubt this will be featured. Let me know if theres anything here you didnt understand or if you want me to elaborate or give any more suggestions (I was a little weak on suggestions, sorry). Good luck and Ive just sent a big shipment of crack cocaine to your parents...cause it will be funny to see how they react when they see your name on the box!!! |
| Reviewer: | --ShabiDOO 16:30, July 18, 2011 (UTC) | |