Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Crash test dummy (semi-mid rewrite)

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Crash test dummy

< Umm... so I think I could use some opinion on how the article looks like right now. Constructive commentary means more to me than the score. Meaning if you give number scores and comments are just "okay, haha", don't bother. -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 17:20, 3 Jun

-- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 17:20, 3 Jun 17:20, 3 June 2009 (UTC)

This article is under review by none other than..... Stairs. Let down your hopes, eh?

This may take a while, I'm going off somewhere. But I'll finish it. Staircase CUN^t 21:27, 6 June 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	4.5	Gah gah gah. Oops, were you talking to me? Oh, bloody hell, a review? Damn. History - The beginning was interesting, you supplied us with some interesting concepts. However, you might have brought too many ideas. The First paragraph was two sentences long, and one of those sentences was one line long. I suggest that you split up the sentences, and then probably change them around. It was kind of confusing to read, mainly because you crammed so many ideas in there. The point is: break it up and change it up. Less "Huh?" and more "haha!". The second paragraph was better, and you had a good idea going there. However, you have to say that the dummies have to retards inside them. You failed to mention that, and the picture caption did say that, making me slightly confused. THe paragraph is good, but add the little sentence explaining that there are retards in the cases of the dummies, ok? Right. Also, the first paragraph was lacking humour, so I also suggest to crack some jokes in there. Aternatives to using retards - The first paragraph, like you said at the end, we did not need to know much of it. I thought it was about alternatives, not uses of the dummies' corpses! Get that paragraph into focus, and give us a little introduction about maybe "Many people felt sympathetic towards the retards being used, and decided to replace them with something more usless: deer." or something. Still, get rid of the pointless rambling about transplants and replace with something towards the subject. THe animal section was good, I don't have any real complaints there. The second paragrpah was good, but the first was just a little... meh. Make it about actual animal testing in cars, not testing in the hair/face products. The humanoids section has a good idea, but is a little lacking in the execution. You have to crack some more jokes in there, and please get rid of that video. It screws up the appearnce of the whole article. This was a good section concept-wise, but like the beginning was really lacking the funny parts. Life as a Retard - This section really lost it for me, and sort of killed the whole article. THe China bit is ok, but I thought these dummies were used for beng crashed into walls, other cars, etc, not to live normal lives. I think you should go in and change the whole idea around this section, and make it about going day after day of crashing into things and ideas of the similar sort. Once you do that, the quality will improve greatly, and so would your lacking score if you throw this up for review again. Replacement with Plastic - This section was a bit confusing, too. I think what you should do, instead of having these retards opposed to being released, have them enjoy it and then you could have a section about them living normal lives. Then you couldtalk about the plastic dummies, which I would find better, and probably more entertaining. However, this was a sort of abrupt way to end the article, I must add. Make it more fluent, and you'll be doing fine.
Concept:	5.5	The overall idea here is decent, but I think I would prefer it if it wasn't mostly about retards. Actually, I would like this article to be more about the plastic dummies as opposed to the retards. You could restructure the whole article towards a more plastic dummy approach, and then mention a brief section about retards in a section about alternatives. This would be a lot harder to write, and would take a big rewrite. However, if you want to keep it as is, which would be a lot easier, and keep the "Crash test retards" thing going, you'll have to work on some of the smaller concepts inside. Like I mentioned above, the part where you start to lose us is the part about the retards' lives. Switch the concept around there. Also the ending, where these retards really want to be in crashes. I think that was kind of lame and unrealistic, so I think you should make the changes I suggested above in the humour section.
Prose and formatting:	6	The prose and formatting was in fact very good, except for a couple areas of concern. You did a good job linking articles and with length, spelling, etc. However, that video screwed up the entire view of the page. I suggest, even though that video did make sense, to remove for the sake of prose and formating. Doing that would make the article better looking. Also, the end sort of just... stops. It looks odd, so maybe you could add a see also section to make it look more like a real ending.
Images:	6	The images were decent. However, they reall lacked the pizzazz people want in the image area. They weren't all that funny, and neither were the captions. I highly recommend you give an image person a call, probably User:Sonje a call, cause she seems to be the best image maker on the site. Also, when/if you get these new pictures, get some good captions going with them. Part of what makes an article good all around are good images with funny captions.
Miscellaneous:	5.5	See Below.
Final Score:	27.5	SO let's see what you have to do here: Gain focus - Your article seemed to lack focus in areas, and the ideas were abundant and sort of scrambled. Get the fgood ideas, and expand. Get rid of the rambling, like a I said. Consider another concept - You have a decent one already, but I recommend that you take a plastic dummy approach from the beginning. But that is just me. Get some images - This isn't that dire, but it would help a bit. And for the love of god, get rid of that video These are my four steps to success. You don't have to do the second one, but at least give it some thought, oK? Good luck!
Reviewer:	Staircase CUNt