Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Conjugate (Beta Stage)

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Conjugate

Dorsalfrog Prime 23:16, 8 June 2009 (UTC)

This article is in its Beta stage at present. It's my first article, and I'm looking for lots of feedback and Ideas, not too much actual changing, because I'm just looking to refine my article before opening it up to the world. It's still sort of mine right now.

Humour:	4	It's a good first article, but it definetly needs some work. For one thing, the title dosn't match the article. Change the title to something that talks more about the event that occured and not the action. Try to expand the introduction as well. Remember it dosn't matter how long an article or section is as long as it's cleverly written. So tell more about the havoc that wrecked loose and chaos that ensued. Over exaggeration can grab a few laughs. I smirked a few times during the article but it definetly needs work through the main body of the article. It's not very good to generalize all wives and blue collar workers in the world. Just isn't very funny. How could every single woman go grocery shopping and have the same conversation with their cashier? Change it to a first hand witness interview or something like that. Expand the next bit of the article. Make panic and getting over it two seperate paragraphs. The panic could be accounts of all the chaos and getting over it could be how people handled the problem. As well, the conclusion left me feeling empty, confused and beffudled. You should go on about the CIA investigation and how people responded to unconjugated verbs meanwhile. Then tie the plot and sub plot together. Randomly found random Kenyans in a random underground lair dosn't cut it(the literary term is deus ex machina). Go on about a conspiracy plot or something of the such, and end with a rhetorical question or something to keep the reader thinking.
Concept:	8	The concept is original with great potential. Just do a bit of tweaking to the way it's presented and how well you go about writing it. Expand it and take your time. You might just want to get the first article out of the way, but when it comes to uncyclopedia, quality is better than quantity. Take your time on it and make sure there is nothing left you could possibly make better. Work on the angle you go about telling of the story of Unconjugation.
Prose and formatting:	6	I know the grammer is supposed to be part of the article, which kind of makes it difficult to mark, but there are a few problems here and there. I saw a few spelling mistakes and comma splices. One for example is the last sentance of the Panic & Getting over It section. Work on the comma placing. Most of the article is up to standards though. Try reading the article out loud though, and you'll see some of the parts are choppy or seem incomplete. Our ears can catch what our eyes sometimes miss.
Images:	0	I know you probably havn't gotten around to it yet, but there needs to be a couple of witty images. Images a good for clever one liners. Some images I could suggest getting would be of a riot or maybe a CIA agent, or investigation. The serious of the image would go well with the humour of the topic and concept. Dead pan lines and pictures compliment and bring out the humour or an otherwise silly topic.
Miscellaneous:	4.5	Used pee template.
Final Score:	22.5	Few good jokes, great concept and pretty good styl, this article definelty has potential. Work on the angle you go about it, tweak some things around and remember, expand expand expand. Try getting some good images for the article as well. If need help with formatting (since it is your first article) ask somone around here or check the help articles. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have myself.
Reviewer:	-- fuentfue My Talk : My Awards 22:10, 9 June 2009 (UTC)