Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/British Hedgehog
British Hedgehog[edit source]
My first full Uncyclopedia article! I would have just based it on Hedgehogs, but somebody beat me too it!...so it was "British Hedgehogs". The idea of them attacking Cars was born in 1985 (23 years ago!) just after I watched "Back to the Future" at a now defunct cinema, I saw a Hog run over following a very courageous charge....and the idea of his demise being deliberate was born there and then. Please help me....I can get better.
The Real Whippet 23:12, 16 October 2008 (UTC)
- I'll review this one for you (give me couple fo days):)--Sycamore (Talk) 10:10, 20 October 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5.8 | Reasonably good, some issues here and there. The idea of attacking cars did not come across as strong with the satirical aspect not as present as it should be. The first thing that strikes me is the use of subsections; the section should be dived like this:
SomethingIt reads alright, its a little British centric throughout, you might want to open it out for more readers to get it. Another thing which seemed a bit of a problem is the way it reads little like a short story - and not really a humour article - this is difficult to define, but in some way it would be better to maybe make fun of motorist who run them over, or a greater focus on people that random behaviour humour. Randomness is bad, focus is good, ideas like "Occasionally a hungry Hedgehog pack will attack a motorcyclist" sounds alright on its own, in an article is a little too random - cohesion and focus are important for article to work. I think having a little more focus on more specific areas rather than having lots of stuff rolling around. Overall - it’s alright, but some more time spent will improve it lot time = good stuff - I would bring in more human characters into it as it brings the reader in a little more. |
| Concept: | 5.8 | Reasonable, difficult to work well I think - it good to do topics nobody else would think of doing however its difficult to fill this one out (In my opinion) - it does not really have a present feel to it which is good to have in humour writing.
I think that’s it’s alright though, it needs some formatting help which I'll go through below. its very British through which has a charm to it but I would say that overall the article is a little closed for outsiders, I would also say that does not really parody anything - which is the point of the site - I would maybe try and take the piss out of something through the British hedgehogs. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | As I mentioned poor use of subsections as actions, this should change. I would also say that there are not enough links; I advocate the "Lightsabre look". I would say that the paragraphing is not as tight as it could be - an article should have a flow to it. You've also signed your work which is not the done thing. Lots of semi colon use, this could descend into being like how I write, as I say often, this is not a road to start on.
It lacks any pace and the content lead nowhere and sort of leaves you feeling unsatisfied, Encyclopaedias will tend to have recent events at the end of work which is good to have, maybe try and have a little more structure to the whole thing, it'll being out the ideas more and make it funnier. Comedy is a serious business:) You should also have the {{Wikipedia}} template, you could have look at the Wikipedia article on hedgehogs and see what they're doing, maybe get some ideas and structure tips |
| Images: | 6.5 | Just the one, but it looks good and the caption fits alright, maybe find another one or two and thing here should be alright, the "cute factor" is good here. No major gripes here |
| Miscellaneous: | 5.9 | Alright, needs a little more work, persevere though and you'll have something good the structure and formatting is an issue as well as being a little random. We have this HTBFANJS this goes through how to do humour writing well, we also have Uncyclopedia:Best of - have a read of these, you'll get some tip on formatting etc just by having look:) |
| Final Score: | 29 | Nice early effort, and keep the good work. Should you need anything do not hesitate to leave a note on my talkpage:) |
| Reviewer: | --Sycamore (Talk) 11:58, 26 October 2008 (UTC) | |