Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bland Gift Manual, Prison City
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Bland Gift Manual, Prison City[edit source]
IN DEPTH PLEASE! If you piss on my article aim properly! Thanks :) Sir ACROLO KUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 12:26, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
- Hey Saber! Thanks for this review... You gave me exactly what i needed here... Now i have a bit more perspective :) Only part i can argue with you about is the Release date... Mandela was released from prison 11 feb 1990 so my intention here was to create irony of course... I plan to follow your advice for sure and it helps me alot thanks again :)
Sir ACROLO KUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 10:29, 27 June 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5 | I can tell you worked hard on this, because you've got your style down right, for the most part. The main problem with the humor is a tad bit redundant. You could probably sum up the article with something along the lines of "this is a terrible, one-dimensional early 90s game". If you want your article to succeed, you're going to need to throw in a few changeups: instead of repeating that the game is terrible, try to add a developer's comment defending it, as to why or why not it sucks. You also you need tie up quite a few loose ends (more on that below). |
| Concept: | 4.5 | While this might be an interesting concept for an article, you need to tie up the lose ends to get it up and running. Try to make sure that your article doesn't go over the line with it's criticism of the game., and that you get the dates right. For example, you mentioned that the game was released in 1990, yet Nelson Mandella didn't become President of South Africa until 1994- changing the release date should fix that. You also might want to say what console it was released on- was it a Dreamcast game? Arcade? Atati 2600? You could expand on the concept of controls and such if you assigned a specific system. Writing wise, you need to make it seem realistic; i'm fairly confident no game company is stupid enough to make a game that deformed and pointless. I can point you to two possible sources of writing ideas for you. The first is Todd Lyons' recently featured article Failure University. Notice how the article, while clearly implying that the University sucks, gives a realistic idea of what a terrible University might be like. That's where you need to go- don't be too blunt in your point, just make sure you are implying that the game is back. Finally, take a look at the wikipedia article for the E.T. video game. Since it's pretty much the worst game ever made, take a look at how it was designed and such- write your article so that the game sounds needlessly frustrating and repetitive. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5.5 | You have a few spelling errors here and there, so i'd recommend you proofread this. The main problem here is the amount of text. When you a lot of text and only a few images, your article gets a tad repetitive to read. I'd recommend trimming off the bottom of your article a bit (maybe get rid of the character description) and get some larger, more plentiful images to compliment your text better. Usually, you don't want to have one huge section: you need to divide up your article so that it comes up in brief sections with a good image on the right side of it. |
| Images: | 5 | Your first image is pretty good- if you potatochopped that, nice work. Your other images, sorry to be so blunt, terrible. I think you should use some of your more standard images, such as a picture of a prison cell, or perhaps a snapshot from an old Atari aracade game. There are some interesting possibilites here, so make sure you keep an open mind. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 25 | Basically, you've got an article that could turn into a solid read, but right now, you've got the wrong execution and writing style. To recap, try not to sate your point so blatantly- make sure you stick your humor under a credible surface. Please don't stop working on this- while it isn't too funny right now, it can be if you keep working on it. This might be a bit of a long term project, but if you get it right, this might be on the front page some day.
Bottom Line: Keep your punchlines subtle; make sure your article is both credible and funny. Good luck!=) |
| Reviewer: | Saberwolf116 03:18, 27 June 2009 (UTC) | |