Uncyclopedia:How Not to Be Seen

“This is very original, and I sponsor it.”

~ Oscar Wilde on this article

“Being witty is nice, but it takes serious copying and pasting to be funny.”

~ Oscar Wilde

In this article you will learn in 17 easy steps how to be secretive, hidden, stealthy, sly, camouflaged, invisible, and not seen.

Note: Some of the ideas here are flat-out stolen from Where's Waldo.

This text was considered too serious, and therefore put into a box:
Uncyclopedia gets about 300 new articles a day. Out of those 300, about 290 of them are captured by Red Chinese before they turn 1 day old. Don't let this happen to you! Follow the advice below.

The Big Picture: Run and Hide

What makes hiding great is that it can solve any problem. Anyone that has been on the run from the cops knows that hiding provides time to think; to plan; to recuperate. If you just run out in the open, not only will you be seen and followed, but the only plan you have is to keep running. I mean, I'm hiding as I type this. My mind is clear and focused because I know this hiding spot will provide me with the time I need. Many people do not realize this, and sadly, it saddens me so hard, that I'm sad.

How does hiding work? Let's use a bush as an example. Bushes deliver the same cover as a low wall does, but bushes can appear in more areas. How often do you find a low wall in the forest when escaping Serbo-Croatian ultra-nationalists? This is smart cover: same basic cover with specific advantages. Cover is about being covered. And just as many people get their cover from a fence, so do many of our most skilled hiding people have a great deal of serious, bush-quality cover; the presence of this serious cover actually makes hiding at great lengths possible.

Consider Uncyclopedia a brilliant setup for your game of hide-and-go-seek, and the rest of this page will show you how to hide, like Keanu Reeves' acting potential after the first Matrix.

Be a Comedian: Push Your Friends Into The Open

This guy wanted to hide, but his friend was a prick.

• Large, dense bunches of flora usually work better than the basement of your friend's house. The best spots are those closest to the forest.

• Example: "Erik Estrada is an interstellar Cherzgon warrior who was aborted by his mother during the third week of pregnancy."

Stupid. Pointless drivel. You can't hide behind text. What were you thinking?

Perhaps two-thirds of the people who play hide-and-go-seek suck at it. Little to nothing distinguishes them. All right, yeah, you hid under the overturned canoe. I see you already. If someone types in "Frodo Baggins", they're probably using a laptop. Who uses a laptop during a tense game such as hide-and-go-seek?

A wall can be a bad choice if you just walk around to the other side. Dense forests are difficult to navigate, and people will give up before spotting you at your worst angle.

Keep this all in mind when you play, and things will be good.

• If all else fails, follow rule three, unless that also fails. Then you should stop hiding and just play Cops N' Robbers.

Some basic techniques of hiding

• Repetition. This one is stupid, but it works. Hide somewhere over and over, and then repeat it, and then hide there some more. Two or three times. Example: You hide under that stupid canoe I told you not to, but this time I'm not expecting you to go there again. Nobody is that stupid. Or... are they? Sometimes, hiding in the same spot throws people off. Even after the second time, they won't expect it. Three times, however, and people will expect you to hide there every time after. So choose the complete opposite area of the playing field, and hide near there.

• Misdirection. A little more sophisticated and "intelligent" than repetition. Appear to go one direction when being followed, but end up in a completely different place. For instance: Man A runs down a hall, being followed by Man B. Man A takes a left, but uses a secret passage into an underground railroad (if your house is outfitted with one), and ends up outside.

If your house isn't outfitted with an underground railroad, construction of one is advised for more serious hiders.

• Elevation: The higher you are, the better. That's all that needs saying.

• Underground Networks. As I've said, if your house was once used as an underground railroad checkpoint, you're in luck. This is similar to Elevation, in the way that the further you are from ground level, the better. Ancient Dwarves of Moria have boasted going years without being spotted. However, they (unknowingly) took the Balrog's hiding spot, and he killed them all before anyone could spot them. More on historic records, such as this one, later.

• Reversal. Example: My favorite spot was taken, so I got in my car, put it in reverse, and ran over the seeker.

• Circularity. Hiding behind a circle is an unorthodox method, but when mastered, it works better than most techniques.

• The Straight Man. Actually, avoid this. Why? Homosexuals are invisible to the human mind.

• Hide in a Consistent Style. It's like a calling card. You know how awesome calling cards are? Imagine how nervous the armed soldier is when he learns that an infamous secret agent has infiltrated the base, and is known for disguising himself as firearms. Then when he least expects it, you stab him in the throat.

• Avoid standing up and do not use obvious pieces of cover.

• Did I mention bushes?

Spend a Little Bit of Time

• If you spent ten seconds planning it, perhaps ten people will see through it. If you spent ten minutes, you might have zero. A good hiding spot must be planned carefully, no matter what situation it is. A game of hide-and-go-seek or the aforementioned infiltration of a base of some sort, both will test your skills. Applying the same quality of skill to every situation leads to a very deep, very well-rounded skill in stealth operations.

• Research. A good chunk of stealth requires this. If someone is color blind, coat yourself in paint and sit in front of a wall of the same color. Ignore their depth perception, as that's a myth.

• Revise, revise, revise. Maybe you were caught. Spend some time evaluating your spot, and yourself. Were you breathing too loud? Did you have a very noticeable erection?

The "@#$%^&*" Rule: Swearing Like a Sailor Makes You One of the Gang

A good technique is simply to become the enemy. Taking their uniforms, and mimicking them will throw everyone off guard. On a side note, swearing every other sentence makes you seem more like them. Nobody would dare question your shit when you drop the fuck-bomb.

Avoid Clichés (most of the time)

Hiding in the tool shed won't get you anywhere in life. A 100% original spot isn't necessary, though, because originality doesn't equal quality. However, we've all done the tool shed before. Everyone has. Move on with your life, onto bigger, and better buildings with the sole purpose of storing all of mommy's gardening tools or daddy's pornographic collection. A good cliche, however, is the top of a tree. See the Elevation rule.

Don't Steal Spots

You know that Balrog thing I mentioned? Being chased out of your spot by a ravenous fire-lizard-demon thing is serious business. Everyone will hate you - if you're lucky. It's like if Picasso painted one of his wacky paintings, only to find that some other artist walks over and starts painting on the same canvas. What the Hell, man? On a side note, this probably explains why Picasso's paintings are so weird.

Don't let that happen to you.

As a general rule, this is how not to hide.

Use Bushes Wisely

When you see a bush in a place you've never seen one before, you will automatically know some idiot is inside it, looking at you, wondering if you'll notice.

Bushes are not a replacement for an underground railroad

You're better off using the underground railroad, although if you don't have one, bushes are fine.

See also

Where's Waldo

Extreme Hide and Seek