Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/October 30

Since time immemorial, man has honored other men, and then some women too, by putting their name on a very heavy rock when they die. They then plant the rock on a piece of ground right above where the guest of honor has been dumped, and later visit the rock from time to time to make sure it hasn't wandered off.

Literally called a tomb stone, meaning a stone slab which adorns the "final resting place" of the "dearly departed" who has "passed away" (phrases strongly hinting that someone is "not having a very good day"), it usually weighs about two or three full-grown people. Tombstones are heavy like that to make sure they're difficult to move around or steal, just in case someone else needs one. The ones you can easily grab and run away with, on the other hand, are called headstones, and are made of such cheap materials and weather so badly that they normally go illegible within a few generations.

Surprisingly, few homeowners keep a tombstone in their homes or backyards, preferring to contract for them when the need arises. Even the more well-to-do, who could certainly afford to buy and store lots of tombstones usually forget to put one on their shopping list for decades at a time, thus badly neglecting their filial duties. Then, when they suddenly "just have to have one", it's all hurry hurry hurry, grab the first "ba-bye" stone they see, never mind the expense, or the color, or the texture. Just leaving everything to the last minute. (Full article...)