Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/November 7

The hairy ball theorem of Math|topology states that whenever one tries to comb a hairy ball flat one always misses a spot. Topologists, who can never say anything that simply, put it this way: "For every 2‑sphere, if f assigns a vector in R³ to every point p such that f(p) is always tangent at p, then it is a bit surprising that the girl blinded me with Science!"

That topologists use such gassy English is an indication why they are not able to comb a hairy ball either. They refer to the missing spot as either a cowlick or The Latest Rage, the latter as a way of claiming they missed the spot on purpose. Uh huh.

Some topologists are embarrassed that so many in the trade are so physically inept, and shave their balls instead. However, they also tend to cut themselves shaving, a fact that explains why the profession is in decline and new topologists have to be converted from other disciplines, after attending months of courses on character development and getting a priest's blessing.

The corollary that "one cannot comb the hair on my balls in a smooth manner" is analogous to the string theory (regarding stringing my balls together). It completely explains the universe, at least as it relates to hairy balls, by comparing it to a bowl, and hairy balls to celestial bodies. Gravity shakes the balls, causing the stress that sustains all life, at least in graduate school. Without this motion, celestial bodies could be starved of oxygen and become blue balls. (Full article...)