UnNews:Zuckerberg to cure all diseases except narcissism

Friday, September 23, 2016

Once a geek: Zuckerberg still has his old marriage photo as his profile photo, implying to visitors that his life is nothing but one of expensive dresses, emotional toasts, and the act of cramming a slice of cake onto an Asian beauty's face.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced he will cure all diseases by 2100 - except narcissism.

Making a presentation alongside his wife, Priscilla Chan (daughter of Priscilla Presley and Jackie Chan), the 32-year-old vowed to invest $3bn to cure, treat, or control the world's four major types of diseases, citing cancer, heart disease, infectious diseases and neurological diseases, while turning a blind eye to egocentrism, social anxiety, inferiority complexes, superiority complexes, bragging, boasting, humblebragging, braghumbling, poop-pics, cat-pics, and cat-poop pics.

"By 2100, we want to control these forces, paving a way forward for humanity in which 10 billion people can live healthily on our earth and take photos of literally everything they do and type every 'witty' line that occurs to them - preferably downloading the new app so they can do that thing where their font looks bigger than everyone else's."

Zuckerberg went on to point out that two of his acquisitions popular with younger people - Instagram and Snapchat - would arguably benefit the most, as a reduction in the world's infant mortality rate would mean more children would survive to become 13-30 year-olds who show off their 6-packs, muscles, tans, boobs, pretty faces, nice hair, popularity and spending power.

The news caused a huge stir and Zuckerberg immediately walked out into the crowd to take selfies with journalists and medical experts, winking as he told them to tag him in the photo, pin the location, and put an eye-catching hashtag on it.

However, not all were taken by Zuckerberg's initiative. Journalist Joanna Corey told us: "I posted a response, pointing out that President Obama's 2017 budget includes $34bn for HIV efforts alone, which I felt put Zuckerberg's donation - while generous - into a kind of global perspective.

"It must have gotten shared a bunch of places because I got like 1,617 likes! That's totally the most I ever got, I am kind of dancing inside!"

Sources

• Leverage, "Mark Zuckerberg Pledges $3 Billion to Cure All Diseases" Variety, September 23, 2016