UnNews:World Prepares for Bird Flu Pandemic

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 April 2006

Fortunately, blokes are immune to it.

Geneva, Switzerland - Earlier today, the World Health Organisation (WHO) announced that it had begun preparations for the eventuality of a Bird Flu pandemic, consulting with disease control officials, and, in an interesting twist; statisticians.

The WHO director-general announced that the organisation had recently gone through a 'significant restructure', and had closely examined different ways of improving the statistical figures generated yearly. The director-general said:

"Having looked in detail at our business at the operational level, we quickly realised that our level of success was somewhat lacking, and thus looked to improve our operational figures" - WHO Director-General

As a way of solving this issue, WHO has hired former statisticians of Enron to aid with operations, with the Que On guero DG quoting; "Thanks to our new employees, they were able to identify that we could vastly improve our figures of disease related deaths, simply by killing those affected before the disease does".

As a result, WHO has proposed to the World Governments that as a means of preventing Bird Flu from spreading, they are suggesting that the possibility of culling a large percentage of the population would be a simple and wise solution to the problem, also recommending that the team who was in charge of the British Foot & Mouth problem control should head the relevant task force in the event it is deemed necessary.

Also, WHO has announced that these new methods have given them increased popularity with the Chinese Government, who have noted that these revolutionary new ideas are suitable for aiding them in their current issue of overpopulation.

Resultantly, with this new scheme, it is believed that with the proper planning and execution, the death toll could possibly reduced to nil, although officials expect the actual number to be in the hundreds, since they anticipate some of the targets to actively resist.

Nonetheless, democrats have complained that these measures would still not solve the problem of requiring mass-graves, but WHO has currently brushed this off as a 'technicality'

The fear of Bird Flu has swept like a wild fire of fear to the UK where the discovery of one dead bird has caused a crisis. Newspapers have struggled to print headlines big enough to strike fear into every man woman and child. But the UK has dealt with these crises before such as scrape, foot and mouth and BSE. Controversial methods have been revealed to deal with an epidemic. Culled birds will be fed to sheep, if these sheep become infected they will be feed to pigs and the pigs, if infected will be feed to cows. Thus solving the problems of disposal and protecting the public.