UnNews:World Cup meaningless, say Germans
Monday, July 14, 2014
The victorious German World Cup team has surprised the world's press by declaring their victory 'meaningless'.
The nihilist tone was set by manager Joachim Löw, who incidentally once ate a bogey during a game. "I am very proud of my team, they have performed brilliantly in all seven matches," the manager said, "but all this means nothing when you consider it is just a game men agree to play with a ball, and that we are all going to die."
Löw reserved special praise for 22-year-old Mario Götze, who scored the winning goal: "Götze is a wonder boy who has these immense abilities, this outstanding skill. It's overwhelming to think that one day he will grow old, his cells will fail to reproduce correctly, and he will most likely suffer impotence or a Parkinson's-related condition."
Götze, who similarly to Löw has a name with an umlauted 'o' which looks like a surprised face, said after the match, "It's something you always dream about - scoring a beautiful winning goal in the World Cup Final. But as soon as I scored it, I started thinking about Cristiano Ronaldo's grandmother, who died during the tournament, and I suddenly became convinced my grandparents would die during the match.
"Now I just want to get home as soon as I can, hug them, and let them know I am aware of their mortality and that I will miss them when they die."
Veteran midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger spoke to UnNews in an exclusive interview at the urinal in the men's toilets, "I would like to say we fought like soldiers, but that would be an insult to every man who has literally fought and died for his country. All that we proved today was the enduring truth that the masses will engage more profoundly with a meaningless bout of running and jumping, than with anything of any existential meaning or worldly application."
He added, "I know it's normal to look at someone when you are speaking to them, but please stop turning around to face me. I've not even got my legs covered."
Germany's subdued reaction seemed to infect their opponents: Argentina manager Alejandro Sabella said, "I know people will be distraught that we didn't win. Our only consolation is that, considering that our country is faced with a crippling debt after billions of dollars of our national bonds were bought up by scheming hedge funders, that none of this matters."
Lionel Messi, the world's best player, blasted a free kick over the bar in the last minute, but was similarly stoic. "In 2013 I made almost $700,000 a week, every week. The mean wage in Argentina is $377 a week.
"I can't look a normal person in the face knowing that. Consequently I am unable to engage with a normal person's hopes and dreams. I find that the only way I can function philosophically is to focus on the few thousand humans who have more money on me. Looking down just makes me feel a dark never-to-be-filled emptiness inside.
"So my message to my fans is: please enjoy Lays crisps - the deliciousest, tastiest snack ever!"
Source[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Quotes of the Day from the 2014 World Cup Final Between Germany and Argentina" Bleacher Report, October 26 2023